Year 2008, you were a fantastic year in my life.

It is said, quite often, and I must agree, is totally true. Only two things can motivate a person to achieve what he is set out to do. Love and Vengeance. Sometimes, not quite often, both of these play equal role in achieving something that is vital.

Today, sitting at my desk, I look back at the year so far and how it has treated me. I look at all those 11.5 months and possibly over 1.5 thousand things that this year has taught me. I must say, LEARNING has been the essence of this year. A lot learnt..

Though 2007 ended on a very low note, roguh pathces in personal life, year 2008 really took off to a flyer. The vacation of ten days at the year end made me a different person. I re-analyzed my position, stability, ability, skills and everything I had then. That analysis made me make out some important points:

• Become emotionally independant
• Mature mentally
• Change thinking
• Love unceasingly and unconditionally
• Put more efforts both professionally and in personal life to better things
• Close all credit cards :o)

That is what were my resolutions for year 2008. though I have excluded many others, these were my most important ones. Each of these were taken because I had to let my love know, that, when a person in love determines to do something, he will do it. Also, I had vengeance on life, for it never gave me whatever I had wished. So I had to strive and get things that I wanted to get.

Lets rewind 16 months to the day when I wrote my first post ever which I wrote with tears in my eyes. I do agree that I was still a child in handling emotions for I let them out very easily. I do agree that I could not and did not have any control on my emotions and feelings. I wept all night and kept shedding tears for next few months. Today, after 16 months, I have resented all those emotions, and now, as a result of resentment, am able to control my emotions, feelings and tears. On that fateful day, it was not just me who wet the cheeks, even she did, which is why, I will never forget that day ever. Over these 16 months, I managed to learn, it was important to value and respect emotions of others than sell my own. It was important to help others to come out of their pain, for they need someone to share the burden, just as I felt once upon a time. Here I am, helping all, making them forget their pain, helping them make a new beginning, to change their ending, suppressing all that I ever want to say. Though it is painful not to tell what I want to, there is a joy in it, which makes me proud that I dont waste someone's time spreading sadness.

This change was gradual and it took almost a year for me to get back to normal. I had to change everything in me. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I am a hardcore atheist, but I do value my soul. Soul. That is a nice word. I never really felt it before. Never experienced its presence. It is said, when you meet the person whom you love whole heartedly and sincerely and moreover honestly, your soul resonates. And if you are lucky, the other soul also resonates and love takes its birth mutually. In my case, it was the day I realized that I am in love, when I found out that I have a soul too. The only way I could fulfill its desires was to keep it happy and only way I could keep it happy was by keeping her happy. I had to change. Today, looking past at his year, I can again, proudly say, I have done it.

I have seen this. If a guy proposes a gal, an she refuses, it hardly takes few months for the guy to get over it. Reason is very simple. Humans' thirst and hunger is for love. They get pulled towards a field where love is given to them. May be, that is why, guys find it easy to get over a breakup or a rejection. But not all. I have learnt that Love is not about loving. It is not even about asking. Its all about giving. How much you can give without asking is what determines how much you actually love. By asking, I mean about expectations we keep. By giving, I mean, loving unconditionally.

It is said, if you love someone because of external appearance, love disappears when the external beauty fades. If you love someone because of their money and materialistic status, love vanishes when the riches turn into ash. If you love someone just because they fulfilled a certain condition of yours. love disappears and has no value when that condition exists no more. But, if you love just because you know it is love and do not associate it with anything else, that love never fades. It can never be quantified, never measured, never put a price to, never weighed, never compared. Such a love, just grows exponentially. and it can happen only when we stop expecting. I am glad I pursued love as love and not as business worrying about return of investment. I am glad I Loved, and am continuing to love.

Well that was my personal life. Professionally, this year could not have got better. What a year this was. Everything that I wanted to achieve, I achieved. Every goal I set out to reach, I reached. I became more responsible, more alert, more professional, earned respect of my colleagues, worked on over 47 projects, completed them all, developed new skills, mastered art of hard work with honesty. Rewards reaped were great. First sppreciation that I ever recieved at IBM was from my clients, which by far, has been the most enriching experience. In the process, I did lose the laughter and fun times I used to have with my colleagues, which now make no sense to me as they are all baseless fun. I now look at things in a much realistic way and logical way than the emotional one. Excellent year work wise and not a single complaint on how it went.

Credit cards. Real pain, in every part of the body. 3 years back when I started to work, I was easily mesmerized and carried awy with the glitter of the luxury credit cards offered. Parties, purchases, trips, booze, smokes, what not.. Did them all. Spent more than what I could afford paying back. 25% was for me and remaining 75% was for my friends. I never let them feel that they ever earned less than me. Just as glitter of the luxury began to fade, I fell flat on my face and fractured all my facial bones. Disfigured, hurt, broken, I stepped into year 2008. I had managed to close 2 of 6 cards before stepping onto 2008. This year, I closed 2 more. Though it has been 2 years since I stopped ising the credit cards, I stil have to close 2 more. I will close them because I want to keep my hard earned money for me and not for the banks. My suggestion, never get acredit card.

Sacrificed all my weekends, spent them at home, worked on my skill sets, developed my self. Keeping this in my kitty, I not step onto the next year. I will again work on my resolutions which is why I have taken off from 24 Dec 2008 to 05 Jan 2009. I will come back strongly to live up and complete the challenges I give myself.

Year 2008. You were a fantastic year in my life. Till my last breath, you will never be forgotten. You taught me so many things. Made me learn things I always refused to learn. You made me realize that I am a soldier in the battle of life, who is required to fight boldy till last ounce of strenght is left in me. All the happiness, sadness, joy, pain, sorrow, love, everything that you gave me, I will always be having gratitude for it. Year 2008, you were a fantastic year in my life.

Mundhinam parthen lyrics : Vaaranam aayiram

Mun dhinam paarthaenae , Paarthathum thotraenae
Saladai kannaga Nenjamum punnaanathae….
Ithanai Naalaga unnai Naan paaramal
Enguthaan ponenu, Naatkalum veenanathae
Vaanathil nee vennilaa Ekkathil Naan theivathaa
Ippothae Ennodu vanthaal enna
Oor Paarka Ondraaga sendraal enna
Ippothae Ennodu vanthaal enna
Oor Paarka Ondraaga sendraal enna

Mun dhinam paarthaenae , Paarthathum thotraenae
Saladai kannaga Nenjamum punnaanathae
Ithanai Naalaga unnai Naan paaramal
Enguthaan ponenu, Naatkalum veenanathae….

Kaathalaee…….

Swasamae……

Thula thotil unnai vaithu, nigar seiya ponnai vaithaal
Thula Baaram thorkaatho PerAzhagae
Mugam paarthu pesum unnai, Muthal Kaathal sindhum kannai
Adikkaamal poveno Aaruyirae
ohh…Nizhal pola vidamal unnai thodarvenadi
Pugazhal pola padaamal pattu Nagarvenadi
Vinaa nooru kaanavum Nooru Vidai solladai

Mun dhinam paarthaenae , Paarthathum thotraenae
Saladai kannaga Ullamum punnaanathae
Ithanai Naalaga unnai Naan paaramal
Enguthaan ponenu, Naatkalum veenanathae……

Kadal Neelam mungum neram, Alai vanthu theendum thooram
Manam sendru moozhgathoo Eerathilae
Thalai saaika thollum thanthai, viral korthu pakkam vanthai,
ithazh matum innum En thoorathilae
paghal neram kanaakal kandaen urangaamalaye,
uyirendum urraiya kanden Nerungaamale
unnai andri ennaku ethu Ethirkaalamae

Mun dhinam paarthaenae , Paarthathum thotraenae
Saladai kannaga Nenjamum punnaanathae
Ithanai Naalaga unnai Naan paaramal
Enguthaan ponenu, Naatkalum veenanathae
Vaanathil nee vennilaa Ekkathil Naan theivathaa
Ippothae ennodu vanthaal enna
Oor Paarka ondraaga sendraal enna
Ippothae ennodu vanthaal enna
Oor Paarka ondraaga sendraal enna

Vennilaaa….

Vennilaaa….

Vennilaaa….

What I feel about you.. How can I tell you..

When
every time I think of you my body shakes
every time I see you my knees grow weak and
every time I’m with you I don’t want the time to end.

When
every time I look into your eyes, I wish I was there
every time I see you smile my heart melts and
every night before I go to sleep I pray we don’t end.

I’ve tried somehow to say:
you’re the sun that lights up my sky
the wind that keeps me cool on a hot summer day
and sweet incense that keeps me on a natural high

I want so much to tell you
that without you with me each day my day isn’t complete
that since day one I’ve always wanted to be with you
that no matter what’s going on in my life
you’re the reason there’s a smile on my face
and that loving you seems to be all I need to know.

But every time I want to
the words just wont come out
to you it may sound mushy or too cute
you may not believe it so it’s better I keep my mouth closed

Then to try to tell you exactly whats on my mind
yet I wish to tell you that I’m beginning to
love you more with each passing of the day
and that I want to be with you
come whatever may.

Why?

Why do I think of you when I think of rain?
Is it because you made me cry so much?
Why do I think of you when sun shines?
Is it because you threw me into darkness?
Why do I think of you when wind blows?
Is it because things got heated because of you for a long period of time?
why do I think of you when I see a kid smile?
Is it because it reflects the same smile as yours?
Why do I think of you when I listen to some melodious song?
Is it because once you were melancholy in my life?
Why do I think of you when I think of love?
Is it because you made me understand it and left me to deal it alone?
Why do I feel that questions will remain unanswered for ever?
Is it because it is meant to be so?

My random thoughts

It's time for me to go to bed (since I have to get up early tomorrow), but my mind is active and I am not ready to sleep.

I've been thinking about my life quite a bit in the last few days (free time will do that to me). I find myself in one of those in-between places, ready to move on from personal trainer to therapist, but knowing it will still be several years before I can practice as a therapist.

And then there is the fact that a few months ago, I thought my life would be going in a different direction, that I'd have a partner in this new adventure and transition, but that didn't work out. More and more it seems that the old adage that life doesn't always give you what you want, but usually gives what you need, is true.

I wanted that relationship to work, but I also needed the experience of being loved and of loving someone else -- without conditions. It was good even if it didn't progress as I had hoped.

So I am still a writer, though I'm doing less writing than I would like. I love blogging, and that, too, is a kind of useful endeavor.

But what I am seeing more and more is that my clients need help in ways I am not yet qualified to offer.

I like being a writer, and I suspect that one way or another, it will continue to be a part of my life even when I am licensed as a therapist. My dream is to have an office with a consulting room, and another room set up as a miniature gym. There are a few therapists around who "analyze" their clients while putting them through a workout. I like that idea -- but I know it's only for some clients, not all.

So right now, I am living in another kind of liminal space. I'm not the person I was a few months ago, but I'm not yet the person I want to become. I have a hard time with "Want-Of-Being-Loved", so maybe that is my lesson now -- to live as comfortably as possible in this in-between place.

Who knows? I'm just thinking out loud.

No title for this post.

I was raised not to feel my emotions -- and that's my default response to things I don't want to deal with. But I know this isn't healthy. If I am to grow as a person, I have to be able to sit with my feelings, feel all of their affects on me, and tolerate the discomfort than might arise.

I've been working on this for years. It's getting better, but until tonight, I didn't know how much better it had become.

When jealousy came up in me last night, I was able to hold the feeling, not repress it. What I saw was how I responded, both physically and emotionally, as the feeling came up and dissipated. This was really useful in that I could watch the process at work, as an observing Self, and also in recognizing that I hold this feeling that I was previously unaware of.

If we are to do shadow work -- if I am to do shadow work -- I have to be able to face the hard things that come up and not try to repress them. This isn't easy for most of us, certainly not for me -- and I have been doing this work for years.

When we experience the hard feelings that come up -- from shadow work or in our daily lives -- we have to be able to allow the full experience of those feelings. It is only when we can be with our feelings, without attaching to them or repressing them, that we can learn about how they come up and how -- if we allow them to move through us -- they will often dissipate on their own, provided we do not attach to them.

This was a good lesson for me last night. And it gives me hope that I can make progress in other areas of my life.

Storm....

The door is ajar; an accident,
perhaps, or by design.
Who is to say?

Through the slightest opening
darkness creeps in
with the stealth of a cat
stalking a spider,
so very quiet,
sure to create disturbance.

The room is lit by candles,
soft glow, a warm radiance
of concentration.

Something is about to happen
in the confluence of light
and dark, an awakening
or descent. Who's to know?

Only the rhythm of breath
will decide, and even then,
no one will witness
the stormy aftermath.

Why do random thoughts make sense sometimes?

I was listening to the song "Tu hi to meri dost hai" from the movie "Yuvraaj" today. I must say, i heard it probably over forty times and I am not bored of it.

Every word in it, every tune in it, the rhythm in it has touched me and my senses and made me feel those moments when I felt them for the first time. I recollected those times. What a moments they were.. I cherish them even now.

It actually made me realize. The essence of survival differs from person to person and in my case by far, most evidently is a crave of being the one I want to be and to be with one whom I would want to be with. And this essence, in its very existence, makes a person do silly things, that by far, appear to be the most craziest things he/she could have done. Well, it has made me do many things too. Some I am ashamed off, but some make me proud.

Ashamed things are those that I repent for having done and would never want to do ever again. Take for an example, the credit cards.. What a mess they make out of a simple life. When I heard the concept of credit cards back in my early job days, it excited me. I mean come on, which soul in the world who has just graduated, would not get tempted with plastic cash to spend? I fell in the trap too. Not once, Not twice. You bet, not even thrice. In a span of 6 months, I had 4 credit cards. I spent. I spent. I spent. No plan in place, I just spent. But the sole desire in my spending was to keep people around me happy. Little did I know that few years down the life line, they would not be the same. I repent. Yes I do repent. Not for them, but for my desire to spend.

Proud things are those things that make me realize that "I-AM-SOMEONE-OUT-THERE-WITH-SUBSTANCE" and that feeling just pumps and kick starts the adrenaline enthralling mind blowing confidence level. I am not sure how many out there have know the concept called as "Center of Gravity". Every irregular shaped object, yeah yeah, any shape you can possibly think of, has a center of gravity. The place at which everything around it seems to be balanced.

Consider this. Life is an irregular object. An object with no boundaries in either direction and no specific shape and no peculiar surface. Its just an irregular entity. I guess, those critical and prioritized interests make the centre of gravity in life. More the centre of gravity, worse is the balancing act. Less the centre of gravity points, better the balance. Best would be where there is only one interest, which acts as the centre of gravity. In my life, ever since I have realized it, she has been that to me. Things around her when I am with her, made life so simple.

If she was with me, I would feel that I have conquered the world to spend that time with her. If she was not with me, I would begin to wonder when we will be meeting again. Be it that first meet, the first lunch, the second meet at the same place, the consecutive meetings at a park opposite her place, be it meeting her with her friends, be it anywhere I had met. The conclusions of those meetings always made me want to know when we would meet again.

Like someone said, time really heals and changes things, I would like to say that time also opens the wounds that have not completely healed yet. This christmas, it wil be three years of waiting. If I were not waiting, probably I would have been with over 30 others. But its me.

Thoughts of the most cherishable moments, the moments of her smiling, laughing, angry mode, not talking for several weeks, she getting irritated, everything, makes me want to make myself a better person. Everything that I have achieved so far from the day I realized how important it is in life to raise the bars and live upto the expectations, I have uinderstood that it is the only way I could prove to myself and to those out there that felt I was not capable of.

But as I kept proceeding, things began to fall off. The door of life was opened ajar like a pandora's box was opened. Monsters of past starting to empower me, began eating my present and challenging me. These monsters made me so weak, and when I wanted to share my burden with someone, it was even more painful to see no one was out there.

No one was out there. Ha! What a shame on me. I was the one resenting to tell, I was the one keeping myself in the closed doors of my room, I was the one to decide to suppress everything. I was the one who decided to be like this. Little did I know that I would alienate myself to everyone out there and begin to lose all those gems I had collected over a period of my life time.

Here I am. Sitting at my couch, at 3am, writing a post on how I am feeling right now. I used to be a person with optimism ooozing out of me all the time. It does even now but in less quantities, just like the snowfall in Himalayas in the present day. Here I am, sitting at my couch, wondering why is life treating me like a scum bag. Here I am, sitting at my couch, wishing and praying for only one thing. Here I am, wondering why, when you let others take control over you, you tend to go with the flow. The boat is yours, The journey is yours., and the ocean you are travelling in was built for you. I am just praying that I get back to sailing the boat for I am not sure where its pseudo sailor willl lead me to. Thats the other Mithun in me, which is not what I should become.

From college, to credit cards to love to disappointment to tuf life and than the unrequited love.. All appear random, but when thought, these random things become random thoughts. But when you focus more, these begin to make sense. These give me a bigger and clearer picture of what I have become. A loner. Why do random thoughts make sense sometimes?

Battling the tempest

All the time, before a storm, there is always a huge calm and serene sense of an environment. Sometimes, there are huge winds too. Something similar happens with me every now and then.

One thing I have always held onto is a feeling that never dies.. A thought that never fades.. Though your investment in live have diminishing returns most of the time, you still have a belief that never dies.. A belief that always tells you a sweet motivating thought.. A thought that never fades..

I look at my reflection in the mirror at the start of the day and so do I do at the end as well.. I keep reciting a thought, a thought that never fades..

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds in your presence that life is worth while,
So when you are lonely, remember it's true:
Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.

I wonder why and how this came in my mind. Ever since I have known you, I think I have known it too. Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.

At times, like today, this moment, I do think of this.. And in thinking Days continue to pass,
stars continue to shine.Why do I have tears in my eyes today, when she was NEVER mine?

Though I Have gone through a lot of tests of time and survivied several downfalls in life. I still hold on to the balance that gives a hope to my life. It is at this time, I realize that
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

May be this is the reason why I battle the tempest in my heart, and I guess my heart is going to be more pure as lost many tempests are faced..

3 Quarters....

I completely admit that this is definitely not a good way to come back and blog, especially after not being able to blog for over a month.

Last 2 months have been unfortunately too busy and very energy consuming. I cannot list out things that I have missed out. I cannot possibly write down thousands of emotions that I have gone through. Everything from love and happiness to anger and sadness. Everything from over enthusiastic to total dull nature. All things that I could possibly feel, was what I felt in last 2 months. Even from being loved most, to feeling not having someone beside who would love me unconditionally. Man, what a tiring couple of months it has been.

Last week when I was preparing a presentation that outlined the work done for the year 2008, I suddenly realized how workaholic I have been. I mean, what kind of a person would have handled over 38 projects in a single year having initiated 7 most crucial ones!!!! No wonder I am going through a "I-want-a-vacation-right-now" syndrome.

Its over 3 quarters into 2008 and in few weeks, new year is on the cards. Scary a thought isnt it? I mean, who the fuck knew that this year would pass like a lightning? It was as though we were in a journey, riding on a lightning striking thunders here and there. Sometimes bright and catastrophic, and sometimes mild, hardly noticed. What a whopping journey it has been so far.

Having said that, I now want to vent out my real frustrations for I cant talk about them to anyone. Not because I dont trust anyone. Thats total false crap. I trust so many. I cant talk to anyone because, everyone already have their share of problems and with mine, their shoulder bone might actually crack!! So I thought, I thought a lot and finally chose my favourite blog to talk it all.

Life has been slow overall to me, though 2008 is flying like a speedster. In order to fulfill the wishes the one and the only one that I love, I have taken my extremes to new limits. Having been so busy at work, I have not given my family their share of happiness. I had set out 2008 with a determined goal. And 3 quarters down the line, I am back at square one.

Square one.. Ah.. I remember that. How can I ever forget that? Everything in my life goes around and comes back completely around. So, though I started at square one, after 9 months, I am back at square one. I am still an individual entity, one is what I mean.

There are times when a person usually tells to himself, I think actually fools himself, "I can achieve this, I can do this, I can find this, I can manage this, I can get over this, I can get this, I can, I will, I should, I have.. what not.. " Rebound is what happens in its total form.

No matter how many you are with, No matter how many are with you, No matter who you are with, No matter who you are with anyone, in the end, the trust still haunts you. In your innerself, you have a voice that haunts you like a tormenting ghost from some 1970s movie. This haunts you so much, that you literally fight a tempest within you. Something like that is what I have been doing all the while.

Tonight is one such moment when the tempest won and I lost. Distant memories, flashed like the waves touched the shore. I suddenly realized that though I grew a year old, my very heart is still there, the same place where it was an year ago.

I had read an article somewhere, not sure where. It goes like ".... being alone is the best thing. Being lonely is worse. In being alone, you find yourself. Your true you. You know how weak you are, how much you need to improve. Your true identity reflects when you feel you are alone. But being lonely is worse. It brings a thought in you that you are let alone by others and you compare the happiness in others' life and find yourself sad. Being lonely is what brings out the fear in you, because this state makes you feel that you are worth nothing. This makes you feel you the pessimism to its heights(ofcourse in the negative way!)

The Desire

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water’s higher.

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.

You know me. I don't mind waiting.
I just can't show you, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.......

Its been a year now and I wonder how it passed by so soon. I missed writing on my blog for while and am happy that its now a year since I started writing.

The then intention is in correlation with the now intention and will continue to be in sync with my intentions in future. I write because I want to express. I want to express because I cannot resent from it. So many things are going about in my mind. So many battles are being fought within the walls of my thinking arena.

I wrote my feelings down so that I can read it to you. I wanna let you understand this..

I am not who you think I am.. Infact my disguise is so thin that you havent seen right through me. Sometimes I want to rip off this identity of resenting emotions like I did in the winter of 2005, but I cannot.. Because i am not sure how you would react.

So I decided to live with the lie than to expose my true feelings.

There are two types of guys: The ones you grow out off and the ones you grow into. I really hope that I am the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I will let you go for now, hoping that one day you wil fly back to me. Because I think you are worth the wait.

Speaking of which, there is one thing that lets me keep moving.. The Desire..

Adopted or chosen to challenge the Odds?

I have been wondering as to what adoption is all about. I have spent quite a number of years in knowing it. I agree that internet is the compandium to find any possible information on earth below the sky. But somehow, I was just unable to find the essence in the adoption and what it really meant. There was a feeling that was just letting me know the missing link. Something that just is not so correct.

Here I am, telling you all a true story. A story, which would either perplex you or might make you feel that the child is just not lucky. I am not sure where he was born, who were his parents, where was the child living until it was adopted. I f I were to give a live testimonial, I would tell every piece of information, every incident, for I have seen the child grow. Dont run your imagination, Just keep it to this very post and these very lines.

He was born on a day during the spring season of the year, year not sure yet. I have been wondering as to who his real parents might be. Those who left him after he was born, or those who took care of him for over 2 decades or those friends of him, who were with him during his good bad and worse times. I am still wondering. Not sure who is to be blamed for his past. The past which had green pastures, shades of grey, dark and filled with horrifying realities.

As a boy, in his early ages, he got everything from his parents, the one who were taking care of him. Not even once, not even once, was he asked if he liked wat was given to him. His mental environment began to mature at a very early age. Rather than cribbing, or even crying which every other child of his age would have done, he dint complain. He never thought that there was a good point in complaining. He knew, deep down in his heart, that one day, his parents would love him the most. And that was the day he has been waiting ever since.

He had a brother to take care of. His brother, he considers to be the best brother anyone could have, the one whom he respects a lot and loves a lot. He used to shout at him, yell at him and at times in their late school days, he beat him as well. But he loved his brother very much, for whatever he was doing, it was for his brother's good. He gave up his dreams, his options, his thoughts, and just lived to ensure that his brother got undivided attention from his parents. For he was aware, he was aware of one thing. The attention he seeked from his parents, the one that was due for a long time, would take even longer time.

To ensure he never felt lonely and hurt, he started making friends and spending more time with them. Years past, he grew. Human emotions never deterred him, nor controlled him. Infact, he controlled the emotions. Until.. Until the day came when he met a gal. The gal, who brought a meaning to his life. But she dint last long. She came as a tide that brought tortoise to the sea shore to lay eggs and give birth to a new life, and went back like the tide that took the crabs into ocean. A tide she came, a tide she went. Would the sea shore stop to be what it is because of that one beautiful tide? But hey, life is more than this. he let bygones be bygones. He realized that there is much more indepth meaning to life, and time had changed so many things.

He has seen enough till now. Gone through enough till now. But, there is a never give up attitude in him, that makes him to survive and all the difficulties that have come, have inturn brought a hope, a dream of having good times. Its not that he never had good time in his life at all. but they never lasted either. He has seen discrimination to the fullest at home. Yet, he continues to give his best for his family. He searched for happiness and never got it. he finally realized that being happy is not meant for him, So he keeps people around him happy. I guess, thats why he was born, even if his birth was unintentional. He did things that were good to others. He always thought of what is good for others, but never thought or felt that there should be something wrong done to others. Most of his friends do n0t think he is normal. For he does not get angry. Does not react to situations like others do. He tries to give positive energy rather than spreading pessimism, Moreover, he is in a constant process of keeping people around him happy.

All this while, while reading this post, if you have been wondering who this guy is, than dont. This was what I thought of, how a person would be, who would realize that he does not know who his true gene donors were.

Farmer or Sculptor or a mere Human?

I have often wanted to tel things in a way that would make others think and understand. I was sitting and letting the thoughts in my mind overpower me. This often gives rise to some interesting things. Mostly, very realistic. But sometimes, some tales pop up in my mind and they tend to have some meaning hidden in them. This thought came up, and I began writing.

There was a farmer. He was pretty much occupied in his day to day work. He had a routine to follow, every single day. Not even a day passed with him not doing his work, which he always did. To work on his field, he had to travel through a certain road. Everyday he passed through it, he noticed something new. Somedays he found some new birds chirping, sometimes he found animals.. At times he found interesting plants, Somedays he noticed flowers on some plants. He always wondered what their names were. But he always knew, that there would be someday, when he would come across a thing, that would chage his wish and motive of his survival. To him, going to field to work on crops, was a very routine thing. It was for his living. But for his survival, he had to do something.

Like I have always believed and knew and had a hope for, everyone, at somepoint in time, come across that one thing. be it a person, an animal, or a moment. That will change that person, for that will let him / her realize that their life is just worth more than what they have been thinking and dealing with. Same thing happened with the farmer. One day, when he woke up in the morning, he wished that he would know the reason for his living, He wished. As he was walking past the same road, he noticed a stone. He had never noticied that. he did not know what to call it. I can say it was a rock. But he did not know. So lets just say the same.

On the first day he saw the rock, he did not do anything. He saw it the second day. he did not do anything. He saw it on days to come, He saw it for weeks. He noticed that all those who were passing the same path, never noticed the presence of the rock. He somehow got interested in it. He realized that there was something in him that was telling him to concentrate on that rock. He felt as if there was some sort of magnetic force in that rock that was pulling him towards it.

He decided that he has to do something about it. He had to something so ensure that that rock would get its due respect, eventually ofcourse. He was not a magician, but a simple human being. First day, he cleared some weeds around it. Next day he cleaned out the rock. Slowly, steadily, and daily, for few years, he started spending a quality of his time with that rock. He began sculpting it. He wanted all those who passed across it to respect it. He wanted people to notice it. He knew that the rock for all its existence until then, had not recieved its due respect. He sacricified many opportunities that could have made him the most successful farmer in the country. But he never once changed his mind. He was spending more and more and more time with the rock, for he knew that someday it would surely be noticed.

Well, like the saying goes, eventually everyone will realize the good things around. So did it happen with the rock too. The King saw it. Beautifully sculpted. Marvellous in its beauty. Appaling in this enthralling nature. It carried in it the care, love, tenderness, hostility of a person. It became a personification of a certain being. The king was so happy, he took it and made it known in his country. And then there was news about this sculpture everywhere. People began respecting it so much that it was being glorified. People began appreciating the sculpture. It was finally getting its due respect. All the friends of the farmer began talking about this new sculpture that had become so famous.

He knew it was the one that he had spent the most precious part of his life. He had given all he had to make it. He had literally redifned his purpose in his life and had achieved it too. He knew that no matter what happened, his love for that rock would not reduce anytime. The farmer knew, that it was in best interest for that rock that he did not tell anyone that he had made it. For the rest of his life that he lived, he saw that rock that was now a sculpture from far. He just wished. This time, he wished that the respect for the rock not to die at all.

I do not know what to say about that farmer. Call him a farmer? Call him a loser? Call him a sculptor? Call him a winner? I do not know what to say. But one thing is for sure. I have gone through similar situation and I also know that many people out there have gone through the same. In their daily life, they would sure have come across a job, a treasure, a person, love, money, status and many more. Each would have made the same thing, and then would have seen it go. Some would have been terrified, some would have cried, some would have struggled to get back to life, some would have ignored, some would have made life difficult. But apart from all, some would have sacrificed all their dreams for the happiness of that one thing that they cared the most for.

I have known....

I have known that carrying a memory for the rest of your life, the good things that came out of the difficulties that have come and gone, serve as a proof of your abilities and will give you confidence when you are faced by other obstacles at a later stage in life..


I have known that the emotional rubbish produced in the factories of mind consists of pain that has long since passed and is no longer useful. It consists of precautions that were important in the past, but that serve no purpose in the present.


I have known everyone of us has a unique way of sowing our actions, fertilising our thoughts and watering our conquests. It is always good to heed to ourselves than doing what others tell us do to. for if we do so, we wont be planting a seed of our choice.


What I would like you to know however is that the memory I carry with me, the precautions that my emotional rubbish in mind makes me take, the seed I planted, have all been and always will be because of you.


There are times when , in saying 'yes' to others, a person is actually saying 'no' to himelf. That is why he never says 'yes'/ with his lips if, in his heart, he is saying 'no'. I have lost the count of times when I was just quite and nodded that I do not love you anymore.. I have lost the count of times when I wanted to tell you so many things but just chose to stay quite..


I know I am not a scholar. I am neither an astrologer nor a prophet to know what is going to happen, Which is why I seek direction and understanding in every incident that happens in my life. I believe in making the journey memorable that will help me in reaching my destination. The scars of wounds, the pain caused by unbearable wounds all play a vital role in ensuring I dont forget how I reached where I had to reach. I remember those days, when I would say I love you to you as much as I can. I now know that I cannot say it. I cannot say it even if it is eating me out from inside. I guess thats the power of suppressing emotions and resenting our feelings.


I have known that every drop of tear shed out, ever scar that the tears made on my trodden face, every night that I stayed awake, every meal I skipped, every thought emotion feeling that I suppressed, will one day be weighed. I am sure about that. But guess what, I am not excited about its value, for I have known that one cannot put a price tag to it.


I have known that time is a one-way street. Things once passed, are bound not to come again. But I also know that some one-way streets also have a U turn. I have now known that every body will get a second chance in life. To relive every moment that they missed out.


I would like to tell you that I have now realized that I unknowingly had begun a wait for it.

Why does this happen to me all the time..

I am not the kind of a person who would vent out any anger or frustration I go through to or on anyone. I just talk about it with those whom I can talk with.

Everyone once in a while the dark clouds hovering over you give way to some lightning.

Its nice to see a lightning. But it is weird to imagine and scary a thing to know that lightning can strike more than twice at the same time.

I have just been honest with my work and I do not tink at any point of time that I deserve to be treated the way I am being treated. Why play petty childish politics when there is no need for it?
Why cant people just come, be dare enough, to talk face to face and try to work out on the differences between me and them.. Why?

Why does this always happen to me? Every single time, every time. Like a trend, every year. Its just the same.

I do not deserve to be treated like this. Not by anyone. I know i deserve better things. I knw it now. I never believed in it till now. Now I want to be taken the way I am as a person.

Enough of manipulating people around me. I just want to be with those who know to talk truth.

All is what it is only because of who it is..

I was listening to a song called "Kahin to Hogi woh" from the movie "Jaane tu ya jaane na" and I could not stop myself from writing this out..

It has been a while since I spoke to you..
It has been a while since I had a laugh with you..
It has been a while since I let out the frustration in me.
It has been a while since I have been calm..
It has been a while since I have realized some tantalizing truth..
It has been a while since we shared the magic of conversation
It has been a while since you spoke to me
It has been a while since you smiled
It has been a while since you teased me..


All these days, I was living to win. Hence the losses on the way made my wish to win a desperate measure.
It has now been a while for that.
But now, things are to change for good.
I have realized that playing a game to win is one thing, but an obsession to win is another.
I have now realized that I better enjoy the ride. Be it a win or be it a loss.


It has been a while since I laughed truly
It has been a while since I accepted the fact of life - change is constant
It has been a while since I have been sportive of unusual things
It has been a while since I have had real satisfying time
It has been a while since I have made a pact with myself and you..
It has been a while since I realized how much you want me to change for you
It has been a while since I have been changing for you
It has been a while since I understood why you wanted me to change
It has been a while since I became a person that I have never been,,


Wanting to say so many things,
Wanting to talk about so many things,
Wanting to discuss so many things,
Wanting to be with you in all the times - happy ones, sad ones, tough ones, easy ones, joyful ones, painful ones
Wanting to count every second I could - with you
Wanting to dream a dream with you - to fulfill it together
Wanting to share my love to you with you
Wanting to spend an evening walking with you by the shore while the water passed through our feet
Wanting to be there when you need me the most
Wanting to ensure myself that you are there for me - always
Wanting to have sweet talks, peppy conversations, a delightful meal, a cup of coffee..
I just want to you to be you when you are with me and me to be the person you would like me to be..


You are well read, determined a person as you have always been
You are a no nonsense person at times..
Also at times you are a bit pushy on the outside,
But you are also a person nobody would want to reckon with..
I am glad to have interacted with you, for which I now know how to think.
I now know how good I can continue to be..
Its just that what I want to say is never really complete with what I would really want to say,,


I am not asking you to love me
I am not really even asking you.
But isnt it alright If I cherish that hope in my heart?
If I dream of just holding your hand, It wil l hurt me - not you
I will try to keep my eyes from shining when they see you.
And I promise, I will try not to smile a special smile when you say hello.
But please, dont ask me not to love you.


I have been bottling up many things off late..
Like a bottle of coke with a mint in it that has been closed and stirred, waiting to explode when opened up,
Like a lava in a mountain that has been boiling at unimaginable degrees of heat and waiting to explode,
I have just been waiting to talk to you... be with you.. know you... I just hope that one day you would know how I feel and what I go through..

I just dont know what to do

I know I have been good to one and all, and all know that not all have been good in return.

A question that all have been asking me is why I continue to be good? And that is usually followed by another one. Why do you help anyone anytime all the time?

I dont know how to actually express it. Nor do I know how I should be really writing that up here..

On one hand it is really hurting to know that people really do not have gratitude (some do) but on the other hand it is satisfying to know that I have lived upto their expectations when they wanted me to. On one hand it is nice to feel that I am helping my friends even before they would ask me to do so, on the other, it is kinda pricking a feeling that some dont realize that I am doing so for their own good.

Everyone lies and everyone has problems bu nothing really explains everything. Unless and until you would want things to get explained or would want to explain the things. The trivia of my life for the past week is worse than that of a sinusoidal wave. Random ups, mostly downs, hardly a safe terrain, thats what it has been.

I still cannot really tell what I really want to talk about and get that out of me. I still cannot do it.

It has been a while...

It has ben ahwile since i wrote something.
It has been a while since I really wanted something
It has been a while since I had a sound and uninterrupted sleep
It has been a while since I felt secure in someone's presence
It has been a while since I fought for something
It has been a while since.......... and the list goes on and on..

Hidden beneath a whole series of good intentions lie feelings that no one dares to confes to himself; vengeance, self-destruction,guilt, fear of winning, an unusual joy at other people's tragedies. Though I have various nick names, I realized that I am a human too. And its quite normal that I had the same too.

Emotional rubbish produced in the factories of mind consists of pain that has long since passed and is no longer useful. It consists of precautions that were important in the past, but that serve no purpose in the present.

It has been a while since I craved for something. And now, it is back. I now crave for even better success that what I have had so far in life.

Change is painful but comes with a cause...

Cant remember where I read this..

"Nobody is right till somebody is wrong,
 Nobody is weak till somebody is strong,
 Nobody is lucky till love comes along,
 Nobody is lonely till somebody is gone.."

I must admit that it is a well phrased ballad kind of a para. It has given birth to many mixed feelings in me. Every sentence in it makes me feel something that has always been suppressed in me. Its as though all those things that I had bottled up in me now want to come out with the same force that champagne comes out of its bottle when the cork for the same is opened vigourously.

Often I have come across situations where I have had people comparing my capabilities with theirs and either they looked down upon me and thrashed me or they glorified me to an extent that I could only think I was not. 

I guess its time for me to say somethings.. I was Nobody until I realized that being somebody was not that difficult thing to do. In the event of being somebodt, i would not want to lose the essnce of a part of mine that would continue to be Nobody. 

I will continue to fight

Off all days, I guess life chose today to let me know how weak a person can be because of emotions.

Early 2006 which were overcast of late 2005 made life in mid 2006 a living beauty to me. Late 2006 startd to turn things upside down.

This was followed by a down falling early 2007. Follwed by a disastrous mid and end of 2007. Life just kept fucking me from every corner that it could. There were lessons to be learnt, tougher moments to be lived and trialing situations to be survived.

A only hope that drove me to step into 2008 was that of persistence, perseverance, tolerance, strength to overpower weakness. I must say, early 2008 was good. Several resolutions made, which I stand by even now.

And when mid 2008 has finally arrived, I have been thrown back into similar circumstances as I was in mid 2007. Same emotional turmoil, same emotional breakdown, same craving for emotional support, all same situations.

A year has passed by, giving me ample amount of time to learn, but today, after almost a year, I still stand uneducated of handling thingss. Things that matter to me more than my very life, things that relate to people who matter to me more than my life.

This is what I know as of now. What I do not know as of now is how I must make them aware of how much I have been trying to be a person whom all of them thinks is better to me. Its like a battle that I go through from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep and it is the same one every single day.

As of now, I am a completely wounded soldier in the battle of life. As of now, I am momentarily defeated by the purpose of life.

But one thing I can say. I will continue to fight............... till I experience the death..

I dont know what to say

Today has been a very interesting day to me.

Many things happened. Some brought smile, some brought tears too.

I have been controlling the eruptions that happen in me, that try to make me vent out what I wanted to tell and do. It is actually very difficult to be.

But I have promised to someone special that I will make sure I will be like this.

Sometimes it is enriching to go through the struggle, for the end result is always good one. Sometimes it is even sweet though there is lot of struggle and pain while we are going through the change.

Another Fav Song... Nammavemo Gaani (Parugu)

nammavemo gani, andaala yuvarani
nelapai vaalindi, naa munde virisindi


anduke amantam na madi, akkade nissabdam ayinadi
enduko prapancham annadi, ikkade ilage nato undi

nijamga kallato vinta ga mantramesindi
adedo mayalo nannila munchivesindi


navvulu vendi baanalayi naatukupothunte
chempalu kempu naanalayi kanti ni istunte
choopulu tene daaralai alluku potunte
roopam eedu bharalayi mundara niluchunte
aa soyaganne ne choodagane, po da ilaaga ayyaanu nene
adiga paadamuni adugu veyamani kadalaledu telusa
nijamga kallato vinta ga mantramesindi
adedo maayalo nannila munchivesindi

vekuva lona akasam aameni cherindi, o kshanamayina adharala ranguni immandi
vesavi paapam chali vesi aamenu vedindi, swasala lona taladachi jaliga koorchundi
aa andamanta na sontam ayte anandamayina vandellu naade
kalala taakidini manasu taaladika vetiki choodu chelimi
nijamga kallato vinta ga mantramesindi
adedo maayalo nannila munchivesindi

My fav song... Unnale Unnale

mudhammudhalaaga mudhanmudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

unnaale unnaale vinnaalachchendrene
unn munne unn munne mei thaazha nindrene
oru sottu kadalum nee oru pottu vaanam nee
oru pulli puyalum nee brahmiththen
ho oli veesum iravum nee
uyir ketkkum amudham nee
imai moodum vizhiyum nee yaasiththen

mudhanmudhalaaga mudhammudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

mudhanmudhalaaga mudhammudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

oru paarvai neelaththai oru vaarththaiyin aazhathai
thaangaamal vizhundhene thoongaamal vaazhnthene
nadhimeedhu sarugaippol unn paadhai varugindren
karai thetri viduvaayo gadhi motchcham tharuvaayo
moththamaai moththamaai naan maaripponene
suththamaai suththamaai thool thoolaai aanene

mudhanmudhalaaga mudhammudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
oho thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

unnaale unnaale vinnaalachchendrene
unn munnE unn munnE mei thaazha nindrene

nee enbadhu mazhayaaga naan enbadhu veyilaaga
mazhayodu veyyil serum andha vaanilai sugamaagum
sari endru theriyaamal thavarendru puriyaamal
yedhil vandhu serndhaen naan yedhirpaarkkavillai naan
enn vasam enn vasam iraNdadukku aagaayam
irandilum pogudhe enn kaadhal kaarmegam
pa pa pa pa pappa papap paaaaa

unnaale unnaale vinnaaLachchendrene
unn munne unn munne mei thaazha nindrene
oru sottu kadalum nee oru pottu vaanam nee
oru pulli puyalum nee brahmiththen
ho oli veesum iravum nee
uyir ketkkum amudham nee
imai moodum vizhiyum nee yaasiththen

Question still lingers around..

There have been many instances where I have done everything that I wanted to do, said everything I wanted to say, lived every moments that I wanted to live. Those were the days when I never thought about anything for a second time. Never did I have second thought on them either.

For last 8 n odd months, I have been supressing things that I wanted to say, things I wanted to do, moments I wanted to live, and the extent has reached to such a distance that now when I wish to say do or live them, I just cant.

Back then al those things that I said with no effort now require humungous effort for me to do the same.

In the event of suppressing all, I am slowy mastering the art of expressing the same in silence. I used to worry that probably my silence will never get answered. Fear is exists. But I am waking up the courage in me to let it pass. I am slowly beginning not to worry on it.

Question still lingers around.. Will I be able to express? Only time will tell.

Strange things do happen

Usually everyone sees a glimmer of hope, a lightninig that would appear to end the reign of a dark cloud.

Well in my case, things are quite different.

I did see the glimmer of hope. I did see a lightning. Well, little did I realize that the hope that I saw and the light that was there at the end of the cloud had a very reverse effect. I really want to talk about this but I just cannot begin a conversation on this topic with anyone.. not even with those whom I know for several years.

It was in late September 2007. I was overcoming the real setbacks from the late August 2007 which were very gruellingly challenging. I hate to say this but I was really a lot worse person than what I am. I was walking past my work floor in the corridor. My eyes lit with a surprise flame. I thought things were probably very mirage in nature and tried to ignore them.

What do you usually call things that happen over and over again that make you think about them ? What do you call those things that makes you feel that probably you should do something about the things that happen around you. To put in simple word, I look at them as OMENS. These actually let you know tha probably your action towards it is needed. As always, these occur few times, if you heed to them, well and good. If not,over a period of time, they diminish.

I realized that the omens I was coming across, did make me feel that probably I had to do something about them.

Imagine a sunflower that is in need of sunlight every single day. It would actually choke to death if it were not getting exposed to sunlight. That very same sunflower, rejoices in complete joy, dances in its full glory, displays amazing enthusiasm, the very moment it recieves the first ray of sunlight.

Something similar happens with me all the time. It is a feeling that I just dont seem to be able to express the same.

Journey through dreams.........Part 1

Imagination, a thing we always are accustomed to. A thing, that lets us be in a world, that is so unrealistic to everyone around us, even us included. It not only lets us create undoable things, but also lets you to connect to a realm of childishness, innocence, humility, smile, as well as vengeance and every possible thing that you can dream of.

Sometimes, the imagination forms a story, to be told and talked about. What I am going to write now, is one such. It might not be the best one, but it sure is a story...

Breeze as pleasant it could possibly be, brought a relaxing feeling in me. I decided to walk on the roof of my house. It was 11pm. On that night, sky was gleaming with stars. Some shining bright, some very dim lit. Some stars shone together in certain patter, not sure why. But we humans, tend to call them as constellations. It was as though best buddies among stars were sitting together and having an evening chat.

My friends always said that stars were innumerable. They were uncountable. Mank Kind would probably end up by counting the number of stars, we will never be able to reach stars etc etc. I did think about what light years are, and how awesome a journey it would be to travel at that pace. considering I was imagining, anything was possible. I began smiling looking at those stars, told myself, "Let me count as many stars as I can.."

Nights passed followed by weeks. On one night, I managed to count 34 stars (it was the night I began counting the stars), the other night I managed to count up to 80 stars. I always wanted to beat myself in everything I did or will do. Hence counting stars became a habit and as nights passed and months rolled out into years, I was now able to count as many as 1200 stars. Its been 14 years now. I still am amazed at the stars as much as I was 14 years ago.

Dreaming a dream that I have always wanted to dream, was still a dream. Sometimes, it is in being alone that one finds the best solace. I found my solace during the time I spent counting stars. It was still incomplete.

To be continued...

Sometimes..

Sometimes I wonder..

Sometimes I think..

Sometimes I understand..

Sometimes I want to be understood..

Sometimes, I just want things to be sometimes..

Probably, there is a negativity in every positive thing and an amazing heart warming pulsating adrenaline pumping motivating truth in every negativity too. It just depends on how you look at things.

On an average, in a day, my routine varies from moving off my favorite couch to prepare for the battle and face the extra nutritious day. It begins from reading newspaper, watching a little bit of news and than switch over to music. Than check my mails, read some online articles. When clock strikes right time, I get ready and am off to work with a little or no food in my ever growing tummy. It is at this time that life starts feeding me with new things.

On the way to work, I notice so many things. People in different places, different moods, different clothes, different vehicles, different attitudes.. There is varsity in variety every where. I try to find a unique thing in everything. A thing that stands out of the odd. A thing that would want others to want it. I search for that.

Travellers, walkers, people who are sitting, mostly looking at the earth all the time. I wonder at these times as to how depressed and pessimistic has their own choices made them. How I wish I could help each one of them.

I see trees swinging, leaves dancing, branches singing in melancholy, telling things to humans.. Do not worry. Things will happen as they are destined to. Wind will blow, trees will shake. I understood that. Its the unspoken law of nature. At the same time, I see the look on various faces. Faces filled with anxiety, pain, mild happiness, tiredness, grief, sorrow, suffering and every possible negative emotions I could probably list.

All the while during my journey from home to work, I try to find one person who would atleast smile looking at a stranger and say in an unsaid words "We are alive".. I try to find that one person, every single day for past 2.5 years. I will continue to find that person. Not just from home to work, in every road I would travel, in every person my eyes could possibly see.

I reach office. With one thing in my mind. "I will not let today be like yesterday". I come with a motto to make today a better one compared to yesterday. I will face every challenging situation in a motivational way. I will not compromise myself for any living thing or a non living thing at work. I will make sure to beat my yesterday's efficiency today. So what if I get paid less, I will earn my pay for what as a person I am. Not for who I am with at work.

With that in my mind, as I step in, I feel the heat of negativity surrounding my desk. As I am approaching, I tell myself, to continue to persist. I have got myself used to watch laziness, as fat as cows as thin as skeletons, as ignorant as snail. I have seen wickedness as wicked as jackal or a hyena. I have seen every genre of animals in the zoo. Almost everything. It is here that I realized there was one more kind. A kind that is not to be found anywhere.

In my stay as an employee, after my college days, I have realized some important things. Some people work for gaining experience. Some work for money. Some work for pleasure. Some work for finding happiness. Some seek growth. Some work for building contacts. Some work for nothing. common thing in all of them is something interesting. When you happen to ask them 'Why are you doing whatever you are doing?", surprisingly for others not me, they do not know the answer. They would just say "I finished my school. After that college. I got a job. I am working. I want to earn more." And then, I met the new kind. The self-centered crowd. These do not care what happens to others, how others might feel. All they are worried is about recognition, more recognition, more and more recognition. I want to climb 100 steps in 4 jumps.

It is at these times that I think. I think of how it would be in the corporate world, if we had honest works. When targets were not met, if the employees took that as a challenge to work the best next time, how would things be? I think of how the corporate world would be. I think on what I would need to do to atleast take the first step towards that. What I think is what I believe I can do. I think.

As the day goes, I work. Same routine, same genre of mails, same contacts, new escalations, new projects, new challenges.

It is at these times I understand. I understand how things at work affect one another. How the result of one's work is the input for the process of someone else's work. I understand the flow. I understand why as a person people are who they are. I understand why people made choices that they preferred over the other option.

Considering what people are, I work to ensure that I live to what I deide for the day. I live not to compromise myself for the benefit of others for their selfish motives. I do not intend to hurt anyone while I work for the betterment of others. First chance is forgivable. Second chance is manageable. Third chance can possibly a warning sign. But the next one, it is better to close the tap off or cut the feathers down or even worse, flush the shit out.

I fight a battle with myself every single day. I being a human too, tend to be biasing towards people. I have that feeling to do good to those who I am always with and talk to. I tend to be that as a person. Call it as an inluence of people I am working with or the environment on me. I tend to be like that. But I deter from it, fight the temptation away and let me smile at myself and say one thing "I am me".

I care for people whom I respect a lot for what as a person they are. Sometimes, I tend to help them even without they asking me for it. At times I tend to be more concerned about their problems because I cant see them worried and upset. Till I find a valuable and persistent solution, I never take a break. Whenever there is a problem, I love to be the first person to come there to solve it up. Once it is solved, I love to sit back and see the happiness and not ask for what I did. Its a challenge to be selfless and I seemt o have mastered it.

Sometimes, whatever I do, however I do, whenever I do, things go wrong. Not because of me. But because of certain circumstances and situations. Sometimes those whom I count on, tend to doubt my very being. Sometimes, those who know me for a lot reasons and a lot better, do not seem to have a clue of what I am going through. Sometimes I just expect someone tojust walk to me and ask me those magical words "Can I help you?", sometimes I just want someone to come over me and sit beside me and put an arm across my shoulders and say "I am there", sometimes, I tend to be human and crave for someone's presence, efficient enough to motivate me. I do not like asking those things for they make me weak.

It is at these times that I want to be understood. It is at these times that I really want to be understood.

A lot of hope rides on my back in everything I do, in everything I think, in everything I feel, in everything i want, in everything I give, in everything..

Sometimes, I just want things to be sometimes...

Vulnerability

One of the greatest wastage of the time is to do something really well, which you should not be doing at all.

Many do not realize this in their daily life and when their expected results do not show up, they play the best known game to humanity, THE BLAME GAME. It is in this game that fingers start pointing in opposite directions. They get pissed off with everything that is happening to them and around them. It is during this time that they take the most stupid and irrelevant decisions for their lives, which eventually, ends up making them regret taking it. This is not something that I have seen once so far. I see it every day. Every hour. And think of this nature most of the time, wondering what can I do to ensure that I would not be in such a situation.

Ever since I thought about the time that was being wasted in my life and ever since I decided to use it for good and for betterment of things around me and for me, my outloook at thing changed drastically. For instance,
1. When I say something, I think again, Wonder if I really had to say it. This has led me to be more quiet and do more.
2. When I work on something that I should not be doing, I think. I think as to who should be doing and I find out the reason why that person is not doing it. Help him / her to accept their responsibility and make them do it.
3. When I am on call, I think if it is really needed for me to be on the call. I used to talk a lot, but I realized that, most of my time, the one that I could use for myself was being given away. Not that it was not helping the other person, That's the essence of any conversation I like to have, helping the other person, I do it, but a times, get drifted away. Now, my motto is to reduce that drift.

I have been thinking. I have been with so many people, done so many things, learnt so many, understood so many, but yet, I have been wondering as to why I make the same mistakes that I did earlier. Why is it, as a human, to let go certain things that are no longer holding good. Why is it that certain emotions, feelings, never decide to disappear.. When I think of all these things, only one thing comes in my mind. The quest continues...

My Dream..

While I am writing on my next article on my blog, I get a call from an unknown number. I love the ringtone I have assigned for any calls I get> So I take a while to pick the call. After10 seconds, I pick the call. The voice on the other side is very intriguing. It reminded me of the voice of narration in the movie "No country for old men". Similar voice, A voice that had so much of depth in it. A deep understanding of worldly things and beyond anyone else's thinking was reflecting in that voice.

"I know you probably would not have expected the call at this time of the day." I was saying to myself. "oh yes, it is 3am".
The man continued talking. "There is something that you need to know and do certain things."
I replied "What are you talking about and Do I know you?"
"No. Probably you will. Sooner."
"What is it that you are referring to?"
"You need to go to this place for knowing the answers for the questions that you have at the moment and answers for many more things."
'I think this is a joke. I am not interested in this conversation."
"Make a note of this address" told the man on the line to me.
Realizing that he indeed was serious about it, I make a note of it.
"Leave and arrive there as soon as possible". There was silence for a moment. I replied "But.." Interrupting me, the man said " See you there!"

With a lot of hesitancy and sarcasm in my mind, I begin to think. Many questions started to pounce at me. It was as though a pandora's box was opened. Why did I get the call? Who was that guy? What did he mean I need to know and do certain things? What am I supposed to know? Why should I go to this address? Will I be meeting this guy? many more adding to the woe.

The more I thought, the more I became curious. I thought it was a passing moment. But something in me was telling me that I was supposed to take on this journey. I guess we all call this as our gut feeling. Because, it is the gut feeling that gives us directions when the mind is overloaded with too much of thinking process and thoughts. Take for an example of we not doing certain things, which if we did, could have proven lethal for our very being. Hence, in order that I was listening to the correct inner voice, I made a decision.

Two hours later, I was sitting in the train. It took me a research of 15 minutes online to find the directions to go to the place, whose address was given to me by the anonymous caller. Almost every site told me that there was no flight to the place. I had to travel 6 hours in train followed by a health wrecking journey of 8 hours in the bus.

I managed to get myself a ticket, bored myself into the train, struggled past the initial huddle of luggage of a couple. I pity the husband as well as the wife. Walked past few compartments. Some had kids jumping, some were filled with old people, talking about their good old days. Considering my anxious moments of the journey, I decided to find myself a place that was secluded, which would give me enough time and silence that would let me hear my inner voices. As the train started moving, my heart started thumping harder and faster and there was some kind of panic in me. Something was telling me to get off the train and run back to my normal life. I said "Satan, get lost. I am not heeding to your advice." I smiled.

After a while into the journey, I saw the trees dancing to the tune of the wind. Animals resting in the sound music made by the branches and leaves, which never had a chance to rest due to relentless wind.

Thoughts. They came back again. "Is this really necessary? Should I do it? Why was I asked to do this? Did the guy call other people in the same way? Was someone trying to kill me? " Than I realized, and told to myself, may be it is a quest that I was avoiding for a long time. May be..

After I reached the place, I got off the train. Walked to the care taker of the railway station and showed him the piece of paper. Gesturing him, I asked him where the place was and how far it is. He was surprised and wanted to say something to me. Somehow, he managed to suppress it. He told me I had to take a bus and travel almost 8 hours and it was not going to be an easy journey as the road was too terrible. Heeding to his suggestion, I walked out of the station, walked past few shops, and entered a huge open space. Few buses were parked. I managed to find a bus that went to the place on the paper.

The journey was too far from better. For 8 hours, though I was on a machine, I felt I was sitting in a cart. What could have taken 3 hours journey in urban area, took 8 hours in this down trodden rural area. After 4 hours of travelling, the bus started its path on a hill. Until then I had no faint idea that I was going to a hill station. I was now happy. I just started taking pictures from my camera. The views were fabulous. I just wanted to capture as much as I could. After almost 8 hours and 20 minutes, I reached the place.

Walking past few buildings, I saw a huge gate. I was tempted to know what was in that. It had a marvelous design. just then, I saw an old man. He was sitting at few blocks away from the huge gate. I walked to him and asked him, "Good afternoon sir, I have been asked to come to this place by an anonymous caller. Not sure if what I say makes sense, but this is the address I was asked to find. Can you please help me with that?"

Without even looking at it, the old man said, "My child, you might want to take rest for some time, enjoy the stupendous beauty of this hill station, have nice dinner and than search for the place in the morning, tomorrow."

I was reluctant with his answers and was taken aback. I told to myself, "what a loser he is." and slowly started to walk past the man. But to my surprise, he called me back, and asked "I think the address is of some importance to you. Let me have a look at it. But why are you here?'

Without saying a word, I passed the piece of paper to him. His eyes went wide open, he had the same expression as the care taker of the railway station. I was excited that something really unexpected was in store for me, at the same time I was worried as well. I was not prepared yet. The old man gave the paper back. He looked at me, and said, "You were wondering what was in that gate, dint you? Why do not you have a look by going inside?"

I was astonished that he had read my thoughts. I walked past the gate, and found nothing inside. It was a plain ground, and it was the same as far as my sight could reach. No thing, not even one. I came back out of the gate, told the same to the man. he said "Child, sometimes things do not appear as they really are. You need to listen to your inner voice and see in a way that you normally look at things."

I said "Ok. I will try again. But this time when I come back, you need to tel me where that address is." He nodded his head.

Holding my breath, I walked into the gate. To my surprise, I saw a tree at a long distance. I was afraid. Came out running, told the same to the old man. He said "It is a sign. Follow it. Do not give up. Here is where my help to you ends."

I felt apple in my throat. I was like "what the hell just happened?"......... I went back in, and started walking towards the tree. It was at a long distance. I was walking for almost 30 minutes. I was thirsty and hungry and tired. I wanted to rest. But, as the old man had told, i did not give up. I walked, walked and walked until I reached the tree.

There was a note, that was sculptured on the trunk of the huge tree. It said:
" Here is the starting point of your journey and this is where it was destined to being, You will face many challenges. How you view at them is your view. End result will always favor you."

I was confused, surprised, hearth thumping, I could hear it. Blood circulating at a much higher pace. No directions to go, no other things to see. I remembered the old man saying "sometimes things do not appear as they really are.. " I closed my eyes for few seconds and thought myself of buildings. I opened my eyes. I was stunned. Breath taking. I had buildings all around me. Malls, skyscrapers, many more to view. It was as though I was in an imaginary world which would make me see things that I wanted to see. But something was still missing.

I started walking. It was scary to see the place with no people in.it. I finally saw a grocery mall. There was a man. I walked into it, and I told him about what had happened all the while. He did not respond. He continued to do what he was probably good at. flipping the currency notes and counting them like a machine.

I was beginning to wonder and think as to how I can make him talk to me. I asked him, "Sir, do you think what I said you makes any sense to you or to someone els?" He looked at me as though the answer was in me. I did not know what to do. It is then that something told me to turn to my right and look into the store. I was shocked. I saw the person whom I love the most in the world and there she was in the mall just few yards right to me. just when I began to think what this meant, something rang. A huge sound. familiar sound. It started going louder and louder....

I opened my eyes. It was 1040 am. My cellphone was ringing. Same ringtone, unknown caller..........

Birthday - I write this on my birthday

Two and half decades ago a boy was born. He did not know what he would end up being. He celebrates his birthday today. Many of his friends try to contact him on his birthday to wish him, But as always, he goes into a kind of hibernation on this day. The one day in entire calendar year that he does not like is this day. I tried to talk to him and know how he felt today.

It was difficult to talk to him. Somehow I convinced him to talk to me and share with me few things. There was a very serious expression on his face. He was wanting seclusion from all the things.

I asked "How are you feeling today?"

"Today I turn another year older and have lived another year successfully. Today I step onto another year and another journey with ups and downs. I am 25 years old now. Looking back at my past, I am trying to remember 25 best things that I have done until now. I try to list them. But I cant figure out any " he said.

"But why do you feel like that? "

He replied, "Today I realized that I have around 400 and odd friends. But I do not even have 25 people whom I can completely count on. 25. The number seems so good to hear. But today is the day that i start my true journey of life. All these years I have learnt the rules, learnt the tricks. learnt the pitfalls, and merciless results. Today I have decided to bring them in action. "

I did not know how to respond to that. I let him continue..

"Today when I looked back on my past, one thing that made me happy is the person that I have always been. I never compromised on my principles, on my key performing areas in every possible domain of my life. I realized how difficult it has been in the last 2.5 years. Sometimes what happens in few days or in a day changes the course for the life time and the same has happened to me in the course of last few months."

I said, "That's true. Some incidents or situations bring in changes that will change the momentum and direction of life. "

To which he replied with sternness in his voice "Today I have chosen to be the person I have always wanted to be. And 25 years from now, I will look back to this day and say only one thing. "I lived and did what I chose to be and do."

There was silence. It was the moment when both of us did not want to say anything. I was recollecting all that he said. "Today I have decided t bring them in action", "Today I decide the outcome of my next 25 years".. Those things just continue to echo in my mind.

Breaking the silence, he said "I turn 25 today and my goal just amplified 25 times. "

Unwanted..

How many times in life have we really come across elements that we felt were never useful?
How many times did we feel that we were in an unwanted situations?
How many times did we feel that we did unwanted things?
How many times did we come across any such similar situations? Probably some were associated with situations, some with circumstances, some with things and mostly with humans.

On an average, in a day, I usually come across many such situations. If it were not relating to non living things around me, it would be with living things. I consider myself as different genre of a tree / herbs / shrubs. Most of the times, the so called unwanted things that I come across are most wanted for the person living in it. It then falls under my territory to decide if I want to be a part in it or not to be in it.

While I am waiting for my cab to pick me up, I see people loafing around on the street. I feel like why cant that person do something productive out of his life. And than I think again and say to myself "may be the person is doing something that probably I am not aware of."
While in the cab, some of my colleagues pass some stupid comments on traffic. I feel it is unwanted, But I think again, and that's when I realize that the person is actually venting out frustration.
While I am sitting at my desk and working diligently, I see some elements doing nothing and yet complaining when work is thrown at them. That is when I realize that I better not think too much about such irrelevant and non important things and carry on with my work.

One thing I have learnt being amidst all these unwanted situations is the fact that things have dual nature. What is important to me, might not be the same to the other person. What I see as the most wanted aspect of my life is definitely the unwanted aspect for someone else. It is this thought that keeps me driving for the next day and it does everyday.

It all depends on how we look at things and how we react to them. Unwanted or wanted, one thing that is common in both is the term "want" and that's what matters at the end.

Off Late..

There have been many incidents, many moments, many situations, many untold things, that kept recurring. They kept recurring, because there was a result that was in the making. Its not difficult for me to say what I want to say to anyone. I just say it. Its not difficult for me to express myself. I would just express myself.

I set out in my life, with a thought of making my career the best thing that I could give my life. I set out 2.5 years back. Little did I then know that things would just get messy, trivial, complicated as time proceeded. I set out thinking that i would have those around me still with me through to the end of my journey.

But things just change. Some momentarily. Some like a slow poison. Some like an impact, and some drastically. I realized that one thing that keeps on ticking irrespective of what happens around, its nothing but time. In my life until now, I did find people who were as good as time and they never stopped what happened around them. How I wish I attain such a phase in my life too. I have a dream and I will hang onto it. For I know, one day, it will be a reality.

Off late, all those thoughts, those motivational thoughts I used to feed myself, those principles I have been maintaining in me, those people I care a lot for, everything just seems to be shattered. I feel cheated in life now. I want to vent out my anger, but I cant. I want to show my hatredness towards certain things, but I prefer not to, as it will cause destruction to me. Its like a weed that is growing in me using my resources that were not meant for it. Off late, I have been changing. The metamorphosis has begun. But I wont let it continue. I want the essence in me to be me and nothing other than me. Off late, the series of battle with myself has begun. Off late, I have realized that if I do not accept loss, I wont be able to enjoy the happiness of a win.

Conflicts in thinking

If I tend to think the kind of a person I have been in my past and the kind of person I am in the present to what I would become in future, I see little or minimal change. Physically I have changed. But essence is still me. It does not matter to me what others think about me, for my struggle is mine.

If I were to mention or pen down my weakness, I guess you would be shocked as much as I am. Like a saying goes, "You are as strong as your weakest link", I am as strong as my weakest link too.

For me, seeing in perfection has become an addiction. Be it the way things are kept at home, be it the way things happen at work, be it the way things are done, ordered, said, expected, arranged, talked about. Be it anything and everything around me, I expect things to be just perfect and if they are not, I tend to streamline things so that they would be perfect.

In the process of being such a person and doing such things, I have lost many things, not materialistic, but the unrealistic highly valuable things, that probably wont be able to return, but on the contrary, I have gained confidence that my outcome of my behavior towards perfection is gearing up for a much bigger showdown. For I know one thing that is for sure. What I am today, is definitely a preview or a teaser of what I will be in days or years to come.

Many say to me, to change the way I am. Many say to me that I have changed. Many say to me that being honest in everything that I do and everything that I expect is a mere fantasy in this totally unmerciful and competitive world. I wish I could think like they think. But the walls of my brain with the content in it think for perfection. Its the tank of perfection in me.

I can only say one think to all. I wont change my persona on this and this will be my attire for many more years to come.

Control: But why?

I had a very interesting conversation with a good friend of mine last week. We were having different opinions of how we were trying to control our thinking and life. We somehow had a vast difference in the way we thought and we decided it was good not to end up arguing on it. However, as my bad habbit goes, I tend to think a lot. So, back home, I was thinking as to what benifits can reall controlling give to a human.

I was thinking of some of my friends who had achieved a lot in early age. Some were still struggling. Some were still trying to realise where to go. But, in general, everyone felt positive about themself to a degree to which they felt they had control of their life. On the contrary, those who were struggling, felt negative about thmselves to the degree to which they felt they dint have enough control or were probably controlled by external forces of other people around them. I was, I am, and I guess, I will continue to be surprised by this great contradiction.

I did happen to speak to a friend of mine on this. He told 'When I sense that I have enough control on what is happening around me which involves me, I have more personal power'. Ever since he told me these words, they seem to have begun a new process in my mind. There have been times when i felt I was controlled by people, parents, my colleagues, my managers. I felt so out of control. There was negative energy all around me, anxious most of the time, felt restless, felt I was unable to cope up with the fast changing world around me.

For the fast changing things around me that brought the unknown side in me which was not required, i have something to say.. "Its time to change!!!!"

Change the way you think, your world will change for sure

If there is an effect in your life, such as lack of money, overweight, problems in your relationships, a unsatisfying job or career, or any other difficulty, just try tracing that effect back to the things that you did to cause it, and by removing the causes, you can begin o remove the effects, sometimes immediately.

The key to enjoying more of what people call luck is for you to engage in more of the actions that are more likely to bring about the consequences that you desire. For me, my daily activity included careful planning, organizing my work before I began, selecting the right people for the job, delegating properly, supervising intelligently, and vigorously executing the required tasks. I realised that in my life today, every aspect possible, is the result of my past decisions and behaviours. Its just like the saying "As you sow, so shall you reap.."

Like the saying goes, a man becomes what he thinks about most of the time. This was true, is true and will definitely continue to be true as well.

There were two men who were in the jail, were serving their punishment, At the end of the day, each went bakc to their respective cells. What would you think was the difference in them? You might think that they both were of same genre, a criminal. Probably both were ruthless at heart and were cold blooded. Probably they were. One saw the mud, and always worried about his past. He cribbed, cribbed and cribbed. Then he wept wept wept and wept. On the contrary, the other man, from his cell, through the window, looked at the stars and dreamt. He dreamt a dream of being out of the prison and leading a happy life. He reassured himself that things would be great again.

As per the predictions made by the famous Harvard University, there are few things that might strike a blow into yout thinking process.
Firstly, There would be more changes this year that ever before.
Secondly, there would be more competition than ever before.
Thirdly, there would be more opportunities than ever before.
But, those who do not adjust to the rapid rate of change, respond to the increase in competition, or take advancatage of the new opportunities available would be out of their job within two years.

A person's belief about himself creates an expectations. The expectations determine the attitude. The attitude determines the behaviour and the way a person behaves to other people. This inturn determines how other people behave with that person. This completely falls in sync with a famous saying "What is going on outside of you is a reflection or manisfestation of what is goig on inside you"..

Change the way you think, your world will change for sure..

Chance versus Luck

When people achieve great success faster than others, they are immediately accussed of having good luck. If peple make a mess of their lives, largely due to their own shortcomings, they dismiss it as bad luck. All of life is like a casino. Some have had success in gaming tables of life, and some not. Most people, including me for many years, never understood the difference between Chance and Luck.

When i checked on it, I was surprised. It was quite eveident that I was surprised. Chance refers to gambling, to casinos, to blackjack,poker, slot mahcines, and horse racing. In games of chance, the outcome is totally and completely out of control for the player. There is little or no influnece on the result by th player. The level of risk is so high that the chance of winning it over a ong period of time is almost zero.

But, Luck is different, totally different. it is like the probabilities in action. Whever you see a person who has succeeded greatly, you would definitely notice a series or a chain of events that have happened in the past to achieve a particular outcome. The lucky person, for sure, did many things in combination, which staggeringly increased the likelihood that his or her desired goal could be achieved.

All problems appear very simple when solved. The great victorry of present was th result of a series of small victorie that went unnoticed.

Questions I ask myself

I dont remember who said this, but some one surely did say it. "You only have to succeed the last time". What a statement that is. I may fail over and over again, but all it takes is one big success to wipe out all my previous failures. But I guess, it is an after effect, and every such effect makes me ask certain questions to myself.

"What did I do right?", by asking so, I analyze every single thing that I did right in the situation, So what if it turned out to be a disaster? I must have done atleast one thing rightly. And thats definitely a motivation factor. I will surely smile when I think of a situatio when I was right.

"What would I do differently if I had the situation repeat or had to do all over again?", by asking so, I can appreciate life for teaching me valuable lessons that I was taught in the process. It makes me think of future and helps me motivate to do my best.

Everytime I ask these questions, I learn, understand, accept the facts, face the reality and grow. Despite the failures I have had in life, I would never want to lose out on enthusiasm, for I know its value, Nothing great was ever accomplished without enthusiasm in the history of mankind and nothing will ever be achieved without it either.

Fear and its manifestations

It is not what is going on around you but what is going on within you that is determining everything you are and everything you will ever accomplish. For that, one would need COURAGE. Like Winston Churchill once said "Courage is rightly considered the foremost of the virtues, for upon it all the others depend."

I had been thinking a lot on this. I was trying to figure out what is that undermines everryone from achieving their goals. What is it that counter-attacks courage so much so that the person is shattered and stripped off his/her self-confidence. Realistically speaking, the opposition of courage has been FEAR. Not since a day or two. Not since a year or a decade. It has been the same since the NOMAD age. Ever since human existed, like a two faced coin and a double edged sword, courage and fear go had in had. The emotion of fear will be and has always been the deadliest enemy to success.It sabotages possibilities and hopes of every individual.

I guess, it all goes with an individuality of a person. Until one is committed, there is a hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creativity, there is an elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills innumerable ideas and splendid plans.

I have always wondered why everyone has a typical pessismitic approach to the concept of fear. I beleive there is a good thing in it. A good thing of all the fears that you hold back. They are all learned. When i was kid, i never had a fear. I was unafraid, had no natural fears, except of falling down and darkness. I could express myself without an ounc eof doubt in my mind, I am sure it is with all as well. But as I grew up, parents, friends, teachers, people around me, all, one by one, began to manifest the power of fear in me. Each had a way of injecting fear in my mind. "Stop", "Get away from there!", "Put that down!!", "You are not supposed to do that" bla bla bla... and it went on..

As a result, at an early age, like any other kid, unknowingly, at my unconscious level, I developed a belief that I was too small to do the things and was probably weak and not yet ready. In other words, I started developing the fear of failure in me, which by the way, has now been tamed well and does not overpower me.

However, before I had even realised, the fear had started manifesting in different forms. Fear of rejection, Fears of disapproval and many more to the agony of my pain. I always beleived in few things. Mild fears of failure and rejection are abslutely good. They can act as a motivation fators for any individual to do what is necessary to succeed. Mild feelings are inadequacy and inferiority can drive a person to become the kind of person that the others will admire and respect. They kinda spur an individual. For example, if the fear of rejection is manifested in a valid consideration for the feelings and opinions of others, it can be helpful to an individual's position. Even the desire to be likede and accepted by others lies at the basis of respect for common courtesy, manners, politeness, and every other societal virtues that probably exist.

I tell myself that I dont have to do anything that I dont want to do and I can do anything that I really want to do. it kinda fills me with self confidence and helps me to take full control of my emotions and also helps me to override my conditional fears.

Like the actor Glen Ford once said, "If you do not do the thing you fear, the fear controls your life." But I like what Ralph Waldo Emerson told. Being a famous poet, what he said makes so much of sense. "Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain"