God Knows.

There were two other names that I had thought for this post. The Miasma of Emotions or My Oath for 2011. However, I decided to call it as 'God Knows'.

Over a year ago, at Goa, more precisely, at a pond near Arambol beach, I almost drowned, trying to save a friend of mine from drowning. In those almost dying moments, when water seeped into my lungs, and pain began growing, something happened. I began going under. On one side, I saw light. The rays piercing water. This was at a distance, say 10 meters from me. I turned to my right. I saw darkness. Greenish black. In my feet, I felt the plants, plants that grew deep within the water. The moment was very creepy. So there I was, all out of energy, with lungs getting heavier, eyes beginning to feel fuzzy. I see towards the light rays on my left and look into the deep darkness on my right. It is said that in the dying moments, the truth emerges out of an individual, their deepest desires, wishes, dreams. How true. In those moments, of pain and feeling closer to death, of all that I knew, of all that I had ever seen, I saw her. Only her. Her prudent face. The one that shone in the darkness. The smile. The one that filled me with an energy. The look in the eyes. The one that filled me with courage to fight back my way to the shore.

Its been over a year. Here I am, writing this post. I fought back. I fought my way back from the clutches of death. The only thing that I had ringing in my mind all the while I fought my way back upwards, mustering all the courage and energy that I had left in me was a hope. One little hope, that I could spend time with her, that would fuel me for a life time. To this day, when I think of that moment, 31 December 2009, as much as goose bumps I get on my skin, my heart rejoices a victory, making me smile in rejoice.

That very moment of victory was the turning point of my life, a moment of transformation as an individual. It brought winds of change in my life. My life took a whole new direction after that. I decided never to be what I earlier was. I decided to renew myself, my identity, my personality, outer as well as my inner appearance. Everything that I did after that, every moment that I lived, and will live, was and is going to be a moment that I would live for that one thing and one thing, for I know that seeing her there, in those almost dying moments meant something.

So as it goes, Year 2010 was a year of Transformation, Restoration and Reconciliation. I believe that I have transformed into a better individual. Self belief, faith in God was restored and I reconciled with everything that I earlier tried going away from. Lot of struggles, lot of pain, lot of tears that were shed, lot of efforts that were put in, lot of loneliness, lot of depression and a lot many to add. All in all, despite of hitting rock bottom in life moments, 2010 actually has made me stronger. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and in every possible realm. Regardless of all these, as much as I wished these did not happen, somewhere within me, I am glad they did, for I have become stronger.

At this point in my life, I pray that the dark clouds hovering over me go away and I get to see the silver lining, that moment when light shines over darkness. I want to see the light of the day and I know I surely will. For over a decade, I have felt that 2011 is going to be the best year of my life and for all it takes, I am going to ensure it is. Sun that sets, has to rise again, darkness that comes has to go away at the first ray of light. So will it be in me as well.

So here I am, my dear, the one that I have so loved, wanting to say few things, though already said, still are unsaid.

Like someone said, Love is what you see on my face when I see you. Love is what shines in my eyes when I see you. Love is everything that happens in my life when you are present in it. Love is that immaculate energy, the light, that drives away every smallest fear out of my life. Time goes by a lot slower when you miss the one you love. For me, it is you.

Knowing a person like you, has made me happy in a million ways and if ever I have to let you go, I would find a million reasons to make you stay. You may be out of my sight but not out of my heart. You may be out of my reach but not out of my mind. I don't know where my life is headed, but you'll always be special to me. Maybe one day in your life, you'll look back and say "This is where it all went wrong.." May be one day you will. And with every thing that I have, I will pray that you would never say that.

Everything that I have done, it has all been for you. Everything that I am doing, it is all for you.

Everything, is for you, for I have realized that when you really love someone, you give up everything, but you won't ever give up on love because that is never an option, never was never will.

For I know, that all that have been done until now, will not go without a result. All will weigh in true just in His justice. For I know that He knows what I have gone through and am going through and for I believe that he will do what is right for you and for me. Yes, he knows.

God Knows.

Christmas of 2010

Its Christmas of 2010. A year that has been filled with so many memorable and unforgotten moments, some of which, I wished never happened. From the start of the day, to this time and I am sure for some more time to go during the night, I have been and I think I will continue to see this all around me.

As far as my memories go into the past, Christmas has been a time when I have been happy, shared happiness, spread the joy, made many more cherishing moments. This has been that one day in the entire year all these years for which I used to wait eagerly. Somehow, every Christmas, always, some memorable moments would occur. Oh Christmas, you have been so dear to me.

Happiness all around, people with joyful faces all around, merry all around, excitement all around, flowers, decoration, festive mood all around, people greeting one another, wishing one another, gifting one another, wanting to be with one another, loving one another, sharing that love. Aah those moments. Now that is Christmas, that is exactly what Christmas is all about. Messages on mobile, calls, voice messages, emails - wishes all over. Take that to the current world. People posting status messages, on Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, LinkedIn, you name it, people writing on one another wall, wishing one another, posting pictures, tagging them, posting videos, tagging them as well. Well, these are some of the many things that people do to wish one another on this beautiful day.

It all begins with plans and preparations, starting some where around 17-18th of December. Decorations begin around 20th. Shopping and everything else would be done and in place by 23rd. All the gifts, well packed, and eagerly awaiting for the gifts, people move onto 24th, the Christmas eve, with everything in place. Time to relax, and get ready for the celebration to begin, starting with the famous mid night mass at the church. People all dressed in new clothes, something that they all seem to be proud to let others see and shower accolades. Bliss.

Fast forward to the mass on 25th. Big one. All gathered, attentive, focused. Post this, family get together, with those who would have been invited for lunch / dinner. To say, this is all that people do, but to do, is what it is all about. Aah Christmas, this is what I had been doing all this while.

However, this time, this Christmas, of 2010, for me, it just is not.

From what I could possibly imagine, this December was filled with a lot of traveling for me. Mostly by air. Flight takes off, is in the air, lands. Hmmm, interesting. That is the ideal situation. Sometimes, during the time in the air, up above, when you think it is all calm, something happens. Turbulence. Turbulence in the air. All of a sudden, all the passengers begin to panic. I can understand why so. Love for life. Captain immediately asks everyone to put on their seat belts. At that very moment, pilot could do two things. One to go back, the other to continue to go further. The moments of turbulence shall come to pass. The pilot goes ahead.

Life took off for me in a memorable manner, to say specifically, the year of 2010. I quit alcohol, got back to God, joined gym, began work outs and lost close to 15 kilos, moved into a better role at work, got promoted, got my first car. Just when I thought that it was all going fine, I came across some shattering turbulence's. The Black Swan moment of my life. The entire course of my future changed with it. As much as I was theoretically prepared for it, when the moment arrived, it was far more difficult for me to live through it.

This Christmas, despite of all that has happened during the year, I am filled with a void. An emotional void. Throughout the day, amidst people, happiness, joy, merry, all that I felt was emptiness. Loneliness. A deep wound, A void. Took me over ten years but I think I finally understand why Shah Rukh Khan sang 'Bheed mein bhi thi tanhayee, yaad har pal teri aayi, roke koi mujhe zara, bhar na aaye yeh dil mera' in the movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Christmas of 2010 has been very quiet one for me, personally speaking. Love, when it happens, is the most, actually the best thing that could happen to anyone. Its the absence of it that hurts the most, and despite it being present all around me this Christmas, in me, it is absent. Or may be, for me, it is absent.

God - Now, its all up to you..

We sat at Cafe Coffee Day, in the premises of the airport. After several moments of high running emotions with an aura of an inexpressible feelings, looking into her eyes, I said, "If there is anything that I could do, from anywhere, in any manner, at any time, to keep you happy, even if it was for just a passing moment, I will do it."

Stared into her eyes as I completed the sentence, paused for a moment and looked away, with a volcano of emotions wanting to erupt out from within and yet, trying to be calm on the outside.

That was almost a week back.

I met her again, after a week. It was an unforeseen turn of events for her as she did not expect that I would show up again. So was it for me as well. A week back, somehow, as I entered the flight and sat there for two hours to reach back to Bangalore, I knew one thing. I was going to come back to visit her. And there I was, back, but this time, it was different. Last time I went, it was for her. This time I went, it was for us (well, now that is something that is beyond my reach at the moment), for me. Somehow, there was this feeling that time was running out and I had to say, say it all, and get it all out of my chest.

Despite of all that has happened, despite of the pain in my soul, dreary eyes, may be I should be celebrating, for I did what was most difficult a thing for me to do. May be it was due to my prayers that I was filled with a courage to speak it all out and say it all out. Despite the outcomes, it is the effort that was put into that makes me look back into a year and half of my life and smile, though filled with pain. I could possibly write down everything that has happened during my visits, but somehow it just does not seem right for me to do so. Four days that I spent with her, has filled me with memories for the next forty years of my life.

There are instances when I begin to think that only if my heart had the ability to think and feel lesser than what it does, but again, I think again. If it were so, my mind would begin to feel and with that,I guess, my rationality would go for a toss. There is so much of pain within me at the moment that even if I were to smile, it hurts the most.

In the flight, as I was returning back last night, I began to think. Everything began flashing. All those moments, those thoughts, all that had been done, reminding me of the song 'Everything I do' by Bryan Adams. I for one, imagine the destination where I want to be at, and put every possible effort that I could humanly imagine and do because when I look back, I would not want to be filled a feeling of regret of not having done something. So even this time, it was the same. This reminded me of something that I had read online:

If you hoard love, it melts away. If you lock love, it breaks free. If you grab on to love, you end up holding an illusion. When you let love flower in its own way, it stays to support you. When you pass on love, it multiplies beyond measure.

Was it melting away? Was it trying to break free? Was I holding an illusion? Was i going to support me? Or, had I done enough for it to multiply beyond measure? I for one, do not know the answers for these. However, I know that over all these days months and years, it definitely has grown beyond measures. May be that is the reason why it is so difficult for me to be in these circumstances.

So there I was, in the flight, thinking of one and only one thing. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Only one thing. 'Its going to be really difficult to unimagine what I have always imagined, to go undreamt what I have always dreamed about, to not feel what I have always felt, to not think what I have always thought. God, you have helped me come this far, I have done everything that I could possibly do. I do not know what else needs to be done for I have no clue. Now, its all up to you.'

Four days that I spent with her, has filled me with memories for the next forty years of my life and the words continued to echo in my mind, God - Now, its all up to you.