Lately, the letter 'W' has been quite prominent in my life. From wondering, to worrying to wishing and waiting, I am glad I have not stepped into the arena of weeping. Even if the circumstances were hard on me, I guess that is something I would not be able to do.
For every decision, the outcomes could be several. Most of the times, we are so worried about the results of events, rather say outcome of an event that we forget to focus on carrying out an event. We tend to be so much result oriented, we forget to focus on how to go about things. For instance, many working in corporates these days are so worried about promotions and pay hikes that they forget how they get it. They say that at the end of the day they have the hike. I ask, at what cost? Answer for that is something they are not dare enough to admit. It is during these instances that I understand that people are worried about outcomes more than anything.
It would be hypocrisy on my part if I would say that I have not been as such. I was. But not for long enough. Once I realized that the journey to the destination was more of prominence than the destination itself, my whole perception changed. I guess this happened in 2006. Too many events later occurred in 2007 and 2008, thus strengthening my perception. When I actually think about this, my recent posts have been about how my new found love has changed me as a person and to a large extent, it has made me a whole different person.
Let alone accepting the love in me that I perceived as a challenge, but also expressing it was a greater one. Now that those have been accomplished, what now lies ahead is a long period of wait. Over two months of waiting is done and have no clue how long would the waiting last. Somehow, as against the popular myth that waiting weakens a person, in my case, it actually has strengthened me. To know what life would be as a result of her absence in my life, has in-turn made me very strong. I now know how it feels, I now know what the pain is like, I now know how vulnerable I can get. Of it all, I now know how I need to be prepared.
The more the days pass by in silence, the more stronger as a person I am becoming, There are good days and then there are bad days. The ratio of them has been less to more respectively. However, I am glad that bad days do come along often, for they always manage to let me know how weak and vulnerable I can get, thereby making me focus on my weakness and work on it. In a way more than one, the more time I wait, the more I think. The more I think, the more areas I cover. The more areas I cover, the better prepared I can be. However, in the context of being prepared and trying to predict what might happen, almost always we end up not being prepared for the unpredictable. I guess, that is the precise reason why I have been in situations where I felt that I was not prepared at all.
Somehow, life is filled with such events, not one, not two, but all of them have been turning points in my life. If anyone said that a person would have just one turning point in a life, he/she needs a punch on his/her face. If there is something that I can tell with utmost certainty, it is the fact that life comprises of too many turning points, and all of them change the course of our life, to a whole new level. I never knew I would be a Project Lead, but here I am, with over two years of experience in it. I never knew I would love again, but here I am, with over seven months in it. I never knew that I could be so patient and so willing waiting, but here I am, waiting for her response.
Every word that goes unspoken, is what I manage to write in my posts. Every deed undone, is what I manage to express in my posts. There are several thousands of words to talk and say and mean, but somehow, that is just not happening now. If something does happen, I manage to express them here. May be, after all, this year has been the year of wanting, wondering, wishing, worrying.
