God Knows.

There were two other names that I had thought for this post. The Miasma of Emotions or My Oath for 2011. However, I decided to call it as 'God Knows'.

Over a year ago, at Goa, more precisely, at a pond near Arambol beach, I almost drowned, trying to save a friend of mine from drowning. In those almost dying moments, when water seeped into my lungs, and pain began growing, something happened. I began going under. On one side, I saw light. The rays piercing water. This was at a distance, say 10 meters from me. I turned to my right. I saw darkness. Greenish black. In my feet, I felt the plants, plants that grew deep within the water. The moment was very creepy. So there I was, all out of energy, with lungs getting heavier, eyes beginning to feel fuzzy. I see towards the light rays on my left and look into the deep darkness on my right. It is said that in the dying moments, the truth emerges out of an individual, their deepest desires, wishes, dreams. How true. In those moments, of pain and feeling closer to death, of all that I knew, of all that I had ever seen, I saw her. Only her. Her prudent face. The one that shone in the darkness. The smile. The one that filled me with an energy. The look in the eyes. The one that filled me with courage to fight back my way to the shore.

Its been over a year. Here I am, writing this post. I fought back. I fought my way back from the clutches of death. The only thing that I had ringing in my mind all the while I fought my way back upwards, mustering all the courage and energy that I had left in me was a hope. One little hope, that I could spend time with her, that would fuel me for a life time. To this day, when I think of that moment, 31 December 2009, as much as goose bumps I get on my skin, my heart rejoices a victory, making me smile in rejoice.

That very moment of victory was the turning point of my life, a moment of transformation as an individual. It brought winds of change in my life. My life took a whole new direction after that. I decided never to be what I earlier was. I decided to renew myself, my identity, my personality, outer as well as my inner appearance. Everything that I did after that, every moment that I lived, and will live, was and is going to be a moment that I would live for that one thing and one thing, for I know that seeing her there, in those almost dying moments meant something.

So as it goes, Year 2010 was a year of Transformation, Restoration and Reconciliation. I believe that I have transformed into a better individual. Self belief, faith in God was restored and I reconciled with everything that I earlier tried going away from. Lot of struggles, lot of pain, lot of tears that were shed, lot of efforts that were put in, lot of loneliness, lot of depression and a lot many to add. All in all, despite of hitting rock bottom in life moments, 2010 actually has made me stronger. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and in every possible realm. Regardless of all these, as much as I wished these did not happen, somewhere within me, I am glad they did, for I have become stronger.

At this point in my life, I pray that the dark clouds hovering over me go away and I get to see the silver lining, that moment when light shines over darkness. I want to see the light of the day and I know I surely will. For over a decade, I have felt that 2011 is going to be the best year of my life and for all it takes, I am going to ensure it is. Sun that sets, has to rise again, darkness that comes has to go away at the first ray of light. So will it be in me as well.

So here I am, my dear, the one that I have so loved, wanting to say few things, though already said, still are unsaid.

Like someone said, Love is what you see on my face when I see you. Love is what shines in my eyes when I see you. Love is everything that happens in my life when you are present in it. Love is that immaculate energy, the light, that drives away every smallest fear out of my life. Time goes by a lot slower when you miss the one you love. For me, it is you.

Knowing a person like you, has made me happy in a million ways and if ever I have to let you go, I would find a million reasons to make you stay. You may be out of my sight but not out of my heart. You may be out of my reach but not out of my mind. I don't know where my life is headed, but you'll always be special to me. Maybe one day in your life, you'll look back and say "This is where it all went wrong.." May be one day you will. And with every thing that I have, I will pray that you would never say that.

Everything that I have done, it has all been for you. Everything that I am doing, it is all for you.

Everything, is for you, for I have realized that when you really love someone, you give up everything, but you won't ever give up on love because that is never an option, never was never will.

For I know, that all that have been done until now, will not go without a result. All will weigh in true just in His justice. For I know that He knows what I have gone through and am going through and for I believe that he will do what is right for you and for me. Yes, he knows.

God Knows.

Christmas of 2010

Its Christmas of 2010. A year that has been filled with so many memorable and unforgotten moments, some of which, I wished never happened. From the start of the day, to this time and I am sure for some more time to go during the night, I have been and I think I will continue to see this all around me.

As far as my memories go into the past, Christmas has been a time when I have been happy, shared happiness, spread the joy, made many more cherishing moments. This has been that one day in the entire year all these years for which I used to wait eagerly. Somehow, every Christmas, always, some memorable moments would occur. Oh Christmas, you have been so dear to me.

Happiness all around, people with joyful faces all around, merry all around, excitement all around, flowers, decoration, festive mood all around, people greeting one another, wishing one another, gifting one another, wanting to be with one another, loving one another, sharing that love. Aah those moments. Now that is Christmas, that is exactly what Christmas is all about. Messages on mobile, calls, voice messages, emails - wishes all over. Take that to the current world. People posting status messages, on Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, LinkedIn, you name it, people writing on one another wall, wishing one another, posting pictures, tagging them, posting videos, tagging them as well. Well, these are some of the many things that people do to wish one another on this beautiful day.

It all begins with plans and preparations, starting some where around 17-18th of December. Decorations begin around 20th. Shopping and everything else would be done and in place by 23rd. All the gifts, well packed, and eagerly awaiting for the gifts, people move onto 24th, the Christmas eve, with everything in place. Time to relax, and get ready for the celebration to begin, starting with the famous mid night mass at the church. People all dressed in new clothes, something that they all seem to be proud to let others see and shower accolades. Bliss.

Fast forward to the mass on 25th. Big one. All gathered, attentive, focused. Post this, family get together, with those who would have been invited for lunch / dinner. To say, this is all that people do, but to do, is what it is all about. Aah Christmas, this is what I had been doing all this while.

However, this time, this Christmas, of 2010, for me, it just is not.

From what I could possibly imagine, this December was filled with a lot of traveling for me. Mostly by air. Flight takes off, is in the air, lands. Hmmm, interesting. That is the ideal situation. Sometimes, during the time in the air, up above, when you think it is all calm, something happens. Turbulence. Turbulence in the air. All of a sudden, all the passengers begin to panic. I can understand why so. Love for life. Captain immediately asks everyone to put on their seat belts. At that very moment, pilot could do two things. One to go back, the other to continue to go further. The moments of turbulence shall come to pass. The pilot goes ahead.

Life took off for me in a memorable manner, to say specifically, the year of 2010. I quit alcohol, got back to God, joined gym, began work outs and lost close to 15 kilos, moved into a better role at work, got promoted, got my first car. Just when I thought that it was all going fine, I came across some shattering turbulence's. The Black Swan moment of my life. The entire course of my future changed with it. As much as I was theoretically prepared for it, when the moment arrived, it was far more difficult for me to live through it.

This Christmas, despite of all that has happened during the year, I am filled with a void. An emotional void. Throughout the day, amidst people, happiness, joy, merry, all that I felt was emptiness. Loneliness. A deep wound, A void. Took me over ten years but I think I finally understand why Shah Rukh Khan sang 'Bheed mein bhi thi tanhayee, yaad har pal teri aayi, roke koi mujhe zara, bhar na aaye yeh dil mera' in the movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Christmas of 2010 has been very quiet one for me, personally speaking. Love, when it happens, is the most, actually the best thing that could happen to anyone. Its the absence of it that hurts the most, and despite it being present all around me this Christmas, in me, it is absent. Or may be, for me, it is absent.

God - Now, its all up to you..

We sat at Cafe Coffee Day, in the premises of the airport. After several moments of high running emotions with an aura of an inexpressible feelings, looking into her eyes, I said, "If there is anything that I could do, from anywhere, in any manner, at any time, to keep you happy, even if it was for just a passing moment, I will do it."

Stared into her eyes as I completed the sentence, paused for a moment and looked away, with a volcano of emotions wanting to erupt out from within and yet, trying to be calm on the outside.

That was almost a week back.

I met her again, after a week. It was an unforeseen turn of events for her as she did not expect that I would show up again. So was it for me as well. A week back, somehow, as I entered the flight and sat there for two hours to reach back to Bangalore, I knew one thing. I was going to come back to visit her. And there I was, back, but this time, it was different. Last time I went, it was for her. This time I went, it was for us (well, now that is something that is beyond my reach at the moment), for me. Somehow, there was this feeling that time was running out and I had to say, say it all, and get it all out of my chest.

Despite of all that has happened, despite of the pain in my soul, dreary eyes, may be I should be celebrating, for I did what was most difficult a thing for me to do. May be it was due to my prayers that I was filled with a courage to speak it all out and say it all out. Despite the outcomes, it is the effort that was put into that makes me look back into a year and half of my life and smile, though filled with pain. I could possibly write down everything that has happened during my visits, but somehow it just does not seem right for me to do so. Four days that I spent with her, has filled me with memories for the next forty years of my life.

There are instances when I begin to think that only if my heart had the ability to think and feel lesser than what it does, but again, I think again. If it were so, my mind would begin to feel and with that,I guess, my rationality would go for a toss. There is so much of pain within me at the moment that even if I were to smile, it hurts the most.

In the flight, as I was returning back last night, I began to think. Everything began flashing. All those moments, those thoughts, all that had been done, reminding me of the song 'Everything I do' by Bryan Adams. I for one, imagine the destination where I want to be at, and put every possible effort that I could humanly imagine and do because when I look back, I would not want to be filled a feeling of regret of not having done something. So even this time, it was the same. This reminded me of something that I had read online:

If you hoard love, it melts away. If you lock love, it breaks free. If you grab on to love, you end up holding an illusion. When you let love flower in its own way, it stays to support you. When you pass on love, it multiplies beyond measure.

Was it melting away? Was it trying to break free? Was I holding an illusion? Was i going to support me? Or, had I done enough for it to multiply beyond measure? I for one, do not know the answers for these. However, I know that over all these days months and years, it definitely has grown beyond measures. May be that is the reason why it is so difficult for me to be in these circumstances.

So there I was, in the flight, thinking of one and only one thing. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Only one thing. 'Its going to be really difficult to unimagine what I have always imagined, to go undreamt what I have always dreamed about, to not feel what I have always felt, to not think what I have always thought. God, you have helped me come this far, I have done everything that I could possibly do. I do not know what else needs to be done for I have no clue. Now, its all up to you.'

Four days that I spent with her, has filled me with memories for the next forty years of my life and the words continued to echo in my mind, God - Now, its all up to you.

White with a tinge of Blue

When I began to fall asleep, somehow, of all the colors, I see White. I turn around, I see white. I look above me, below my feet, left to me, right to me, front as well as back. All I see is White. Radiating in purity. It was as though I was walking in a realm of bright White. For a quick moment, I thought the light in the room was not switched off. So I wake up, but as I open my eyes, I see darkness around. It was 04:15 AM. I increase the speed of the rotating fan, to rotate faster. As I close my eyes, the White-ness comes back at me again. With hesitance to continue and second thoughts of opening my eyes, a thought comes to my mind, to just continue and see what happens.

As I continue to lay down asleep, my heartbeat which in the beginning was fast paced, started calming down. After a quick moment, it was at ease. Some sense of relief, calmness surrounding and peace oozing out of consciousness. There sure is some kind of bliss in the color White. Although, one thought continued to keep popping up. Why am I seeing White everywhere? Like an echo, this thought kept pecking my thinking. And as this continued, I saw a dot. Very mild one.

Pecking question in my thinking was now replaced by curiosity. What is this dot? I saw it growing bigger and bigger. Bigger and bigger it grew. And as it grew bigger and bigger, the color became distinctive. Blue. The one that makes the clear sky look beautiful. The more bigger the blue appeared to become, the more clearer I could see what it was. As it became more clearer, I saw it was a person dressed in Blue, that was coming towards me.

I began looking at the person. As I noticed, it was a girl, in a beautiful Blue gown. In her hands, I saw something White in color. She came closer. As she came closer, I saw that she had White flowers in her hand. She was smiling. The smile that a girl has when she is about to meet her beloved. The flowers she had in her hands were the flowers she loved the most. Something that I have always loved too. 12. There were 12 of them in the bunch. Her smile, so prudent as she was. As I could now see her clearly, and her smile, heart that was at ease, now began pounding in symphony, perhaps, a million violins were being played just for that moment.

She came to me, and gave me a hug, lasting few seconds, followed by giving the flowers to me. ( I for once never wondered why would she give me flowers!). Her smile, it was something that I would do anything for it to last forever. Perhaps, everything that I have done until now, it was for that smile, the one that lasts from one cheek to the other, a proud natural jewel she had, an asset that was precious than anything I had ever come across. She leaned towards me, and said, "All in due time.."

All in due time.. All in due time.. All in due time.. Like an echo that went into silence, the words repeated few times before there was silence. I saw her there, right in front of me, smiling in joy.

I held her hands, pulled her towards me, kissed her on her forehead and said, "For as long as I breathe.."

And as I picture what happened next, I saw her going backwards, the way she came. In the same way. Flowers still in my hand, smile on my face, slowly went into the white oblivion. As I continued to see White all around, she began appearing fainter.

Amidst the vast White-ness, I now saw her as a tinge of Blue. And that is when I woke up. The feeling that continued to last was that of the White with a tinge of Blue.

Snakes: What could I possibly learn from them?

Honestly speaking, I am not really a big fan of snakes. I just hate them. Just like the way I hate cats. For a reason unknown to me, the evil side takes the priority every time I see a cat or a snake, blood rushes in high speed, much like an adrenaline rush, which fills me with a want/desire (or you can call it a rage too) to cause harm to the cat or the snake. After a while when I actually think of that moment of sudden rage, I laugh at myself. I cannot recollect the exact incident that has filled me with this dislike towards snakes.

On the other hand, it is completely opposite. My dad, is curious about snakes, so much so that if there were any programmes in the television in either National Geographic or Discovery or Animal Planet (television channels), he would be glued to the screen. I guess the most knowledge that I possess about snakes is probably due to the unwilling viewership (if at all such a word exists) from me while he watched the programmes.

I will admit one thing though. There are few things that I did learn from the life of a snake. The most amazing part is that the nature has hidden the lessons that humans should learn and are often revealed only when the time is right. For instance, a kid in his fifth standard would not come across a mathematical problem of trigonometry, unless of course, he was Spock from the Star Trek era. Likewise, life as well. Only when you are ready to learn Trigonometry, you will be presented (not the gift kinda present, but the present kinda present) a plethora of problems in Trigonometry (Actually, trigonometry was my favorite part of mathematics, followed by Calculus and then Conics). All these years that I watched Snakes on those channels as mentioned earlier, never once did it occur to me as to how I could relate a part of its life cycle to mine, or generically speaking, to that of a human. I always thought about that aspect as interesting, at times, weird.

For instance, lets take venom of a snake. It is there in it, it is not killing it and yet, when released into another organism, that organism is killed. Much like the malice thoughts in our heart, when actually projected ends up ruining everything.

However, what most caught my interest was the way the snake sheds its skin. Before I reached this part of this post, I did quite some reading online to know the need for a snake to shed its skin. Of several aspects of the whole skin shedding process(this is commonly used phrase, which by the way should be called as Ecdysis) some things caught my utmost interest. Apparently. young snakes shed more frequently than older ones because growth is relatively rapid in the first few years of life. Healthy snakes usually have little or no difficulty with shedding and tend to shed their skins in one entire piece. The shedding process is preceded by a period of relative inactivity. A snake will shed its skin as long as it's growing, and snakes grow all through their lives. And soon after shedding is completed, snakes consume a lot of water.

While I continued to think, I realized something that never made sense before. Even in my life, for that matter, I think its common in most of our lives, I had shedding process too. Not the physical skin, but that of an emotional skin surrounding the soul. While I was in school, and thereafter in college, it was so easy for me to get over things, of course, there was a definite period of inactivity, but shedding that emotional skin was of utmost ease. As I began growing, that which I used to do frequently, and that which was done in bits and pieces, was now being done in an entire piece but the only thing that changed this time around was the level of difficulty.

We all shed, a lot. Some do it with ease some with lot of struggle, some with pain, and for some, shedding goes in vain. And soon after it is done, there is an unprecedented thirst, a need to quench it, a void to fill up, but what matters is that now, a new journey begins. Sooner or later, shedding is going to take place again.

One thing continues to exist, despite all the learning. I hate snakes.

My Mind

Recently, a friend of mine sent me text message that went like this:
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"

Interesting as it seemed, a thought suddenly occurred to me, like a lightening..

Let's imagine a chemist holding two test tubes in his hands: one containing two parts of hydrogen, the other one part of oxygen. The chemist says to himself, "In an hour's time, I will mix these two gases together, and I shall get water."

What is the chemist doing? He is actually looking to the future. Wonder why? Well, because he possesses all the necessary information to do this. This future has yet to come into being(the water, that is) but it exists in the latent state(hydrogen and oxygen).

Our mind, actually, the unconscious part of it, is like the chemist. This gathers a lot of information, lots of different factors and then tries to draw a conclusion from what it has gathered. Somehow, human mind continues to amaze me. When I tried to think about what my mind thinks and how it actually does it, I realize that among the countless hordes of memories in the human mind, only some stand distinct. Even if our memories seem 'forgotten' somehow they are imprinted in our memory. Interesting huh? Well, that's the reality, you got to digest what you got to digest.

My mind, my mind at the moment battles many battles of thoughts, from one era to the other, swings in time, leaps in ages, dwells in a bridge between past and present.. Aah my mind..

In it lie,
Painful tensions and insinuations,
A want to live more freely and untrammeled..
At times we got to hold back,
The teeming jungle of the unconscious,
Just to travel the path less traveled.

Inhibitions? Not really..

An illness that starts unbeknown to us, produces an abnormal but unconscious sensation. This is when we begin to think, ponder and at the same time wonder. It is so true. Games of the mind are of very weird kind. They often leave a person, in their thoughts, completely intertwined.

As of today, my life is great. Actually, it has always been I guess, it could not get better than what it now is. It is throwing me too many challenging situations and I am glad about them. It is letting me know how weak I have been although I have been telling myself that I am pretty strong. What a tremendous experience it is when a man realizes that he is not at all what he things he is! (Applies to a woman as well!) In a way, looks like I am very lucky., For life is letting me life circumstances that not all get to live, good or worse, I am getting to live them, so perhaps, I am blessed. Like I earlier wrote, if I am not yet killed by it, I am actually growing stronger due to it.

Red Amber and Green. Three main colors that are associated with my current job profile. Red, denotes an undesirable situation or state that needs immediate rectification. Amber, yet another undesirable situation that somehow is critical and yet not that critical. Green, aah the bliss. That which is Green today, might go Amber or even Red for that matter. But for that which is Red or Amber today, takes a while to go to Green. Every time an activity is Red or Amber, an exercise is done to put an action plan in place such that each activity is tracked to turn the status from Red or Amber to Green. Looking at what I do at my workplace, I began correlating it to my personal life. That which is Green, in real life were the situations that were going according to my plans, wishes and desires. That which is Red, were those situations, plans, desires, wishes, dreams, ambitions, that went in the opposite directions, went out of control, caused lot of turmoil within my being, caused a lot of stir beneath my skin, and huge turbulence's in my soul. And Amber, well, they are there anyway.

So here is my life, currently juggling between a lot of Amber and Red situations, some rare Green ones that make the entire juggling event a memorable one. Nevertheless, life of mine is very colorful. Amongst these colors, I found out that one source of inspiration, that motivation, that essence. Most of the times people live without knowing what they should be living for. Sometimes they realize that single most important thing in their life for which they would begin living for. This becomes their motivation, their basic amenity in life, their everything actually.

Just like the recent Eminem's song goes..

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road.

04 Sept 2010

Whatever does not kill you, makes you stronger.. Yeah, you suffer, weep, cry, whine, complain, spend time being alone, go into depression, sit in loneliness, wish someone was around to take care of you and what not, but in the end, you are much stronger than what you earlier were. I am not dead yet, so that sure is a sign that I am growing stronger by the day. Not just physically and mentally, but also at the level of my soul. TO grow stronger as the days pass is the only option that is left to be used, if only life was one of the 'choose the best answer' type of a quiz.

Situations and circumstances never come with a warning and when they do occur (I am talking about the ones that we do not want to happen) they leave days and months of effort and belief shattered and in that moment, that instance, everything becomes suspended animation. However, that actually reminds me of the sun. When it sets, it sure is to rise again. This fills me with a confidence that as darkness begins to loom around, I begin to tell myself that light is just around the corner, but only when it is the right time, you will see it.

As I write this post, too many things recur to me and they all come crashing down upon me, much like the weight of the world over on my shoulders. I begin to wonder, if this is really one of those situations wherein the thought of tiredness creeps in and just as that is about to come up, I say unto myself, 'Nope, its not that time yet, and it never will be.'

04 Sept 2010 will be a date that I would not forget in a long long time for sure..

Daily prayer of a person in love

Dear Lord, I know you are over there, up above in the sky, watching me praying this, yet another time. Every time, I spend these minutes talking to you, you know that I have said the same things already. I know you are looking at me, smiling and saying, "My child, when the time is right, you will get what you need. I am taking care of you."

**The person Smiles**

Lord, dear God, you know exactly how I feel at this very moment. With no blocks in vision, you surely can see what I am going through. Everybody who believes that you exist, knows that no one can hide anything from you and despite the fact that I have hid my feelings and emotions from the world, I know that you know them all.

I sit here, on my knees, with clasped wrists, and head held towards the sky with my eyes closed, and heart thumping faster and faster. You know why I am having this talk with you. It is you to whom I can say anything and fear not being judged. It is you who knows me better than I know myself or anybody that knows me.

**Suppresses the closed eyes**

God, you know how much I love you and you also know how much I love her. I do not know where this life of mine is headed, you very well do. I know you have a plan for me, and you will always do the best for me. In you I lay my trust, my belief and my faith. As I have told this to you earlier, I say this unto you yet again.

**A tear takes form in each of the eyes**

Dear Lord, take away all her sadness, negative emotions, disappointments from her life, give them to me. Give my happiness, my joy to her. Keep her away from strife, let happiness fill her life. God, she is very special, not just as a person, but special to me too. More than me, you know it, and I am pretty sure that you will concur to this too. I have never been thankful to you as much as this, for you made someone this special, who had the power to change me completely. You work miracles and wonders in miraculous and wonderful ways. God, the very thought of she not being happy, makes my world turn upside down. Please take care of her.

**That which were formed earlier, now roll down the cheeks, like an unstoppable force**

My last thought before I fall asleep and my first thought when I wake up is my prayerful wish to you, to keep her happy and healthy. Death will come to me someday for sure, I do not know when. But Lord, without her by my side, you know I will die every single day. Give me strength to be strong, to pray this same thing over and over again. God, in the end, let your will be done.

Amen.

**Wipes the wet cheeks off, says to himself, "She will be fine." **

Painful moments are actually the strengthening ones

Disappointments are the milestones in life. They are one of a kind. They run paralleled with the achievements, which are also the milestones, again, one of a kind.

If one looks back into life, and finds more disappointments, it actually means there have been more number of attempts, so what if the success has been less? I am pretty sure that those milestones of achievements were far more sweet than what they could have been if the disappointments were less. Somehow, always, the achievements that we have after a lot of painful struggles, failures, hardships, hurt, after all those tough moments, somehow, this achievement, be it a thing a person of a moment of happiness, is very cherishing. Perhaps, this is the reason we had 'Try and try again until you succeed' lesson in our school days. The classic tale of the spider trying to get back to its web, somehow, its that web is what matters.

If we all got what we wanted, there would be anarchy and chaos in the world, and may be, just be, that is why we do not always get what we want. However, when the clock strikes the right time, we tend to get what we need the most.

Sometimes my soul feels as though it's withering, sere as desert plants too long deprived of liquid. However, writing is like my hydrotherapy, only the right writing will plump and buoy that wispy intangible portal to life. I can see, hear, feel, breathe, sigh, sit, settled in an old comfort, a familiar rut. I recognize this in my
bones, my heart, chest, lungs. I breathe deeply, returning home at last. Aah the love.. I now realize I have uncovered, discovered, recovered enough to feel safe enough to reveal myself to someone else, and how. It will soon be a year since I quit smoking, and the determination to quit is my dedication of new life to the only one who is worth of it.

For everything that has been, that is, and that will be, in all manner, at all times,

Cloudy carnivores of souls,
saintly demons rise from mist like unpolished butterflies.
Saintly demons have transparent employment to misguide me.
Profound distance kept me hidden from myself and unreachable.
The resentments while on one hand made me stronger,
on the other made me question my very strength.

Speaking of that, its story time (its been a while since a story appeared on my blog):

A story tells of a merchant in a small town who had identical twin sons. The boys worked for their father in the department store he owned and, when he died, they took over the store.

Everything went well until the day a dollar bill disappeared. One of the brothers had left the bill on the cash register and walked outside with a customer. When he returned, the money was gone.

He asked his brother, "Did you see that dollar bill on the cash register?" His brother replied that he had not.

But the young man kept probing and questioning. He would not let it alone. "Dollar bills just don't get up and walk away! Surely you must have seen it!"
There was subtle accusation in his voice. Tempers began to rise. Resentment set in. Before long, a deep and bitter chasm divided the young men. They refused to speak. They finally decided they could no longer work together and a dividing wall was built down the center of the store. For twenty years hostility and bitterness grew, spreading to their families and to the community.

Then one day a man in an automobile licensed in another state stopped in front of the store. He walked in and asked the clerk, "How long have you been here?"

The clerk replied that he'd been there all his life. The customer said, "I must share something with you. Twenty years ago I was "riding the rails" and came into this town in a boxcar. I hadn't eaten for three days. I came into this store from the back door and saw a dollar bill on the cash register. I put it in my pocket and walked out. All these years I haven't been able to forget that. I know it wasn't much money, but I had to come back and ask your forgiveness."

The stranger was amazed to see tears well up in the eyes of this middle-aged man. "Would you please go next door and tell that same story to the man in the store?" he said. Then the man was even more amazed to see two middle-aged men, who looked very much alike, embracing each other and weeping together in the front of the store.

After twenty years, the brokenness was mended. The wall of resentment that divided them came down.

It is so often the little things that finally divide people- words spoken in haste; criticisms; accusations; resentments. And once divided, they may never come together again.

The solution, of course, is to let it go. There is really nothing particularly profound about learning to let go of little resentments. But for fulfilling and lasting relationships, letting them go is a must. Refuse to carry around bitterness and you may be surprised at how much energy you have left for building bonds with those you love.

Those days, these days, all the days..

They say (not sure who, but someone someday surely did say such a thing) that even the greatest journey begins with a single step. Well, lets modify that to suit our needs. Greatest storm also starts by little rain drops, much like the little drizzles. Greatest earth quakes are also preceded by mild tremors in the ground. Going further, the tsunami, true, even the tsunami, a huge monstrous wave, also begins with a small ripple in the waves caused by mild tremors. I mean, look at it. Its all right there. Anything and everything that we need answers for, are actually hidden in the nature, in some mystical, magical and in a magnanimous manner, so unimaginable that if you were not looking at the right place, you would definitely miss them. These few examples that I just quoted, are things that have enormous outcomes, I mean, really enormous.

With that said, what should also be considered is the fact that the times during these happen, are the times that challenge the most. These challenging times are very tough and when I speak of that, I begin to wonder. Tough times do not last, tough people do. But if tough times keep coming back, would people continue to be as tough as they were? Would they become tough enough to face the recurring tough situations? Or, worse as it may be, would the tough ones give into the tough situations? Sometimes, I just ponder over this no matter how many times I know the answer for this, which again, is my perception.

Life as it has, brought in too many such situations. if at all there is something that I have got to learn out of life so far, its that the most important lessons are taught to us in the most cruelest way, during which one often tends to lose focus on reality. As a matter of fact, the permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality, but the permanent defeat of life is when dreams gets surrendered to reality.

We dream, we chase them to make them a reality, we face tough challenges, we lose confidence, we still continue the quest, never give up, still go on, we begin doubting our own abilities, our destiny, and yet, continue chasing that dream, for we badly want that to be a reality. Every time we begin to give up, almost like a buzzer, much like an instant alarm, we hear an inner voice saying 'You held on this long, why give up?' and then you say to yourself, 'Yes, why should I give up?'.

At this very moment, I cannot recollect where I read this, it went something like this:

--- The worst in life is "attachment ", it hurts when you lose it. The best thing in life is " loneliness " because it teaches you everything and, when you lose it, you get everything. ---

(how true !)

When I thought about you, there were things I wanted to tell you..

Oh girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful face,
Be gentle, what you're holding is actually my heart..
The mistress of my eyes, Alone in pristine skies,
How can I tell you what I feel for you?
When I think of you my feelings twist inside.

You're the sun in my sky,
The wind that takes me where I want to go,
The sweet incense that makes me feel so high
That loving you seems all I need to know.

Every day I find I'm thinking of you,
Which makes me hope we walk in the same way.
Some night, perhaps, we'll go hang out somewhere;
I will reach for you, and you'll be there.

My mood is like a cloudy noon
Waiting for the sun,
I fidget in my emptiness,
Not knowing where to run;

The days I spent with you are like a tape;
I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play.
Your eyes won't let my thoughts go back to sleep;
Although I look for you in every doorway.

Life's become too average,
I'm lost in the normality,
Without you by my side, such has become my reality.

No matter what our troubles, I still love you,
As though a part of me were also you.
Life isn't easy, but I know without you
There will be bitterness in all I do.

Movies Music and Emotions

There is a reason we all love movies and there is a reason the movie makers are such a good money makers. Sometimes, there are certain moments in my life, which when happened, I wished some lovely music played in the background, just the way it happens in the movies.

Like for example, when I am angry on someone, or pissed off at someone, I would like the Beethoven music to be playing in the background. While I walk in the dark, when no one is around, I would like for some haunting music to be played, at least that way I would get to know if a ghost really exists in life. And at times, during those instances, the ones that make love overflow in eyes, I wish certain romantic songs played too. Not to forget, during those highly entertaining and joyful periods, I wish Nakka Mukka played automatically too.

Actually, when you think about it, if you happen to notice, almost for all the kind of emotions we could possibly go through, there has been a song made about it. Thanks to India cinema, the music makes the soul rejoice in those moments, be it the loving ones or the dreaded ones, soul kinda resonates to the music. Strange, but true.

Half way through writing this post, I almost forgot the intention of me wanting to write this post. I guess that was the after effect of of listening to the music while I was writing the post. Sometimes, we tend to, actually, all the time, we tend to listen to wild songs when we are wanting to be adventurous, guys like me listen to hard rock music or real heavy metal or super fast dance track numbers from apun ka Bollywood. Now that is exactly the reason I have specific playlists on my ipod. At the start of the day, I listen to fast music, trying to set a pace for the day and as I get back to home, I listen to soothing songs, trying to calm my mechanic mind.

It is just amazing how our mind finds the song to suit our mood. I wish there was a picture on how mind finds the song, I am sure it is that gland that's present in the skull. Few hours back, I was going through some thoughts that kind of made me emotionally unstable, yepp, I was emotionally unstable and all of a sudden, I remembered the song and searched for it in my ipod. Could not find it and I began growing restless. I knew it was there on it. I wondered how come I could not find it. Just to cross check, I checked my mobile and see if it was there on the memory card and to be elated joy, I found it. Five minutes later, I was all relaxed. Now I wish I could say what the song was, but if I did, then there would be no joy.

Not really sure how others are but somehow, I have gotten used to music to calm the storm within me under certain circumstances.

Aah music, you are one of the very vital parts of my existence.

Moments of love

I was standing there. Wind was blowing with a gushing sound in my ears, accompanied by the soothing sound of the waves hitting the shore. It was dark, very dark. All I could see was the moon, the distant moon. I fold my arms, stand firm, trying to hold my ground, and fighting a battle of unspoken kind with the wind. I look into the ocean. There was something in it. The darkness of the ocean at night, with the waves hitting the shore. I continue looking into the ocean. Thoughts come crashing on me. Several of them. I look at the moon. Full moon. It reminded me of something. That thought dug many more, and as I continue to think, a drop rolled out of my eye. Controlling a tempest within, staying calm on the outer surface, heart began pounding. And I continued living in my thoughts.

In that darkness of the ocean, the sky, and few glittering stars and a moon, many flashes occur. Instant flashes. All that has happened in my life that has changed th course of my life, several turning points. As I begin to think about them, I begin to feel lonely. Standing alone in the dark night was never scary but that night, I was lonely.

I remember the moment when I was going to office. I was sitting in the front seat of the office cab, and watched a couple going in front of our vehicle. They were on a two wheeler, I guess they were married. She was sitting at the back, and held on to the arm of her husband. She had an arm to hold onto. He had someone to protect. There was an unspoken but yet a visible bond between both of them. I smiled at them as my cab went pass them, an acknowledgment to a bond that they had and I was yet to have. As I continue to think about that moment, all of a sudden, I think of another thing. A friend of mine loved a girl a lot, and he was upset that she never loved him back the same way as he did. I remembered telling him

"You have to let her be. Even if it hurts. Because, true love hurts. If you love her, you gotta support her no matter what because the strength in your love must overcome your pain. Just like that story of a boy and the caterpillar he raised. When the caterpillar turned into a butterfly and yearned for the world outside, the boy had to let it go despite the pain. Because he knows that if the butterfly truly loves him back, it will surely come back. Love is about forgetting oneself and thinking of that special someone. Wait for her if you still love her. If she does not... then let it be and let time heal the wounds... but always know that forgiveness is the key to healing the scars., "

All of a sudden, if not similar situation, I find myself in that place, where all that I can do is wait. It is great a thing, for it lets me to connect with myself. A year back, I used to smoke a pack of 20 cigarettes in a day and have alcohol every weekend. A year back I was an addict to junk food and was not serious about life. But now, a year later, I have successfully quit smoking, haven't had alcohol for over 6 months and have become serious about my health. This I did, only for her. Some people ridicule me saying how can you do all this, I said, she never asked me to. I did it willingly. It is my way of expressing how important she is to me and what I am willing to do to keep her happy.

It is this thought that reminds me of talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I feel.. To him, I said, " I begin my day looking at her, and wishing and praying that her day goes well and end my day hoping that her had had gone well and she sleeps without a problem. Every time I look at her, I live a lifetime of happiness. Every time I wish and pray for her, I live a lifetime of content. Every time I hope for her, I live a lifetime of smile on my face. I love her just by looking at her. I love her just by looking at her."

Random thoughts continue to pop up, frozen moments begin to melt. Tempests begin within and yet, I remain standing there, looking at the ocean, It is at this time that I remember what I once read, which I felt is the right thing to say..

Because of you
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you."

The 100th post

For a real long time, I have been wondering as to what is it that I should write about to make my one hundredth post as a really memorable one. People often say that everything looks fuzzy when one is in love, but I will definitely differ on that one. Everything is clearer when you are in love. So much so that even dreams that you have dreamed several months back would still be clearer to the most tiniest aspect in it. As a result, I now will write on one such dream, a dream that now has become a kind of ritual, for I continue to dream the same dream more often than usual.

Beautiful white sand and cool turquoise bluish green water, on the shore, on the boundaries of the shore were the lovely trees. Set amidst this were several seats. As my eyes begin grazing all over the place, I see people coming in. I blink again and I now see too many of them. I wonder where I am. I realize, I was at a wedding on a beach. I look at the people closely only to realize that they were all the people I know. I wonder what is happening. As I look to the groom, I see myself standing there. I am surprised. Just plainly and bluntly surprised. I look at myself, wondering if I would look back at myself in return. I blink again and this time, I am now standing there.

I see there, standing and waiting for you. In my crisp suit, with my tie well tied around my neck. I see cough-lings well placed and a good watch. But most importantly, I see myself. Happiness and joy is literally oozing out of my body and love is overflowing in my eyes. I smile endlessly. I look to my left, and to my right, and all those who have been there and have been wishing well for us, are in their respective places.

Just as I see them, I hear your arrival. With eagerness, I look up to the door. I wait. I wait to see you walk towards me. I am waiting eagerly, patience now growing out, heart beating faster than ever. My hand begins to itch for it wants to hold yours. In those few moments, I suddenly dream of you standing next to me and taking the vows, accepting me as yours. Those very moments. Aah the bliss.

While I exit from those instant minute dreams, I see you coming. Radiant, poised, joyful, happy. In your white dress, as white as the morning snow and as pure as the milk, I see the happiness on you and love in your eyes. I see you walking towards me. An event of my life that I have waited for a real long time. I see you, so close and yet so far and with each step towards me, you come so nearer and nearer. As you came closer, I began looking at your bridal wear. I had always heard that the rhinestones on a wedding dress makes it look heavenly and gives the angel feel. I could not agree more to it when I saw you walking with the same. The dress looked extremely beautiful with the fabric and the embroidery stunningly unfathomable. The bodice covered with the rhinestone embroidery and also the gold just added to the visual extravaganza. The tiara on you was just made for you.

The more closer you come to me, the more clearer you become. The more closer you come to me, the more brightness you begin to shower upon me. The more closer you come to me, the more happier I am getting to be. The more closer you come to me, I began counting the little steps you took towards me. My heart began pounding, faster and faster. Surprisingly, when she stood next to me, the pounding heart slowly began calming down. In an instant, it now began pounding in rejoice. I looked at her, straight into her eyes. Her smile just made me smile, and I said to her "Between us, we will always share and have a love that is more than love." We both continued to share that glance with a joyful smile.

As I blinked, I woke up, with a smile on my face, and your smile glittering in my eyes. For now, I have lost the count as to how many times I have seen this, but each time, it starts the same way and I wake up the same manner.

There will be a time..

My friend called me up and said the following:  

" It was magical moment. Seeing her, after having longed to see her for such a long time, was just so magical.

We spoke for a long time, and all the while, we did not speak of what we were required to speak. Somehow, I could just not bring the topic up. I do know that she and I had to talk about it, but knowing what she is going through and what are happening with her at her end, it made me think that me, expressing my feelings or talking about all that I wanted to let her know was just not the right thing to do. As much as I really wanted to talk, which by the way was the thing I had been waiting for a real long time, at that moment, her comfort was prioritized in me. I dont quite know how to say how I feel anymore. Sometimes, its all just not enough.

To not have had a conversation which I probably had a million times in my mind is something that will cause great tempests within me for a long time. I dont like to lie or for that matter pretend. I will be honest. When I wrote the letter to her, I wanted her to know how I felt and wanted to be honest and did not want to be a hypocrite. Over the waiting time so far, there has been, unknowing to me, a feeling of expectation that has grown within me and to combat that, is perhaps the difficult thing I have ever done. Sometimes, certain magical moments are enough to extinguish such expectations, and that is what happened. Yes, I will wait, as long as it takes, but will never force her for anything. That is not me. You know it too. I know how much difficult it is going to be for me, to live a life daily, not knowing when I would see her again. That parting moment, when she began walking away (the most painful moment I have ever lived), I wished time stood still. Man, I never wished that before.

I am neither going to be pessimistic nor going to be optimistic about this. I will just continue to by myself, the way I have always been to her. At the moment, I am not really worried about how things will be at my end, however, I am hoping/wishing/praying that things at her end begin to sort out. Recent times have been real taxing on her and I am worried that she is covered up with things this way. "

All I could reply to him was "I know how that feels."

There are times when all that we can really do is just watch things unfold. There is nothing much we can really do, for all that we could have done, was already done and for all that we would want to do, we will have to wait for the next chance. Its these moments that will always makes me tell myself that someday, it will all be sorted out and eventually, there will be a time that will be mine.

The run

There are times when we often tend look back to the lives we have lived and smile, and at times, we also tend to have those few moments when we have tears in our eyes while we think of memories.

My memories took me over 12 years back. It was the time in school, late school days actually. My brother and I were living as 'paying guests' at the principal's home. He had a two daughters and a son. The son was youngest. His name was Kiran. He was around seven years elder to me. He took care of us, ensured we all did our scheduled work, taught us many things, from cycling, to chasing our dreams, most importantly, being what we truly were. He taught us how to iron clothes, how to wash clothes, sweep and mop the floor, in short, he taught us how to be independent. So while I began recollecting all the time spent, I remembered him saying the most important thing that literally changed the way I looked and perceived things. One fine day, when we were having a casual conversation, he told us, "No matter what happens tomorrow to you all, you will know one thing for sure. School days are the best days in our life. So enjoy them to the maximum. Just let yourself free and make so many memories that no matter how much you speak of them, you will never run out of them. Just enjoy these days for they will never come back."

Those words still resonate in my ears and my mind and to this day, I still miss my school days. I participated in sports, extra curricular activities like singing, painting, knitting, extempore speeches, debates, writing, dancing and everything that I could possibly involve myself in. The only thing I had in my my mind back then was to participate in as many events as possible and enjoy as much as possible. The certificates just kept flowing in, never really bothered.

I remember one particular instance, which to this day, fills me with confidence. It was in 1998. We had to participate in Taluk level sports held at Nehru Stadium in Hubli. My sports teacher had enrolled me for 1500 mts running. I was excited, little did I know what was in store.

When the gun was fired, while everyone began running, I would rather say they began jogging, I ran as fast as I could. They all were jogging. I finished first round of the stadium, it was of 400 mts. I began feeling tired. My pace reduced and it kept reducing further down. When I was about to finish the second round, all the guys began over taking me. The more faster I tried to run, the more tired I became. I began sweating, panicking and my heart began throbbing. Somehow, I managed to finish the second round. While I began running for the third round, all of them had finished the third round and were going for the closure. I finished third round and all had finished the race. I still had 300 mts to run. My steps had become very small and my pace had become very slow. It was more like a walk than a run.

I began looking at the people sitting in the stands. They were screaming at me to stop running and walk out of the track. One coach did come to me and said 'Mithun, you can stop now. All have stopped running." I looked at him and smiled, and said "I will finish this, for I started it and I want to finish it." Everyone began laughing at me, some threw bottles at me too. All I could think of was to reach that finishing line. At that moment, I was tired. Real tired, dehydrated, legs feeling a lot heavier and body even more heavier. But, somehow, I was filled with an energy, to cross the finish line. My steps began to grow and my pace began to increase. I had slowly begun running from almost walking. I ran. I ran. I just ran. When I crossed the finish line, I was more happy that I could have been had I won the race.

While there still was a thought in my mind what people laughed at me and will continue to ridicule me, little did I know what was to happen. All the coaches of various schools, all the judges, took me as an example to tell them all, I mean all of them who were there at that moment, that no matter how tired you were, how people reacted to you, or how much fun they made of you, never stop what you have set yourself for. You might reach there later than all, but nevertheless, you will reach. That is a sign of a winner. Many people came and wished me congratulations for completing the race. My perception of races in life was changed at that moment. I went to sit with my friends from school and random boys and girls walked to me and said "Hey you are the same guy who struggled to finish but nevertheless finished the race right?", to which I smiled and said "Yes, its me.". This was usually followed by them saying "On the entire track, you were the only one running and everyone waited for you to finish. It is something we never get to see." I just smiled.

So there I was, a changed man, with a new view about challenges that life throws at us. I might not find a solution to a problem now, I might not find an answer to a question now, however, in the long run, I always will. I realized that life was not a 100mts race. It was more like a marathon. Those who begin fast, run fast at the beginning, never usually complete the race. Most of them give up. Many do. But those who plan their run, run slow at the start, increase the pace and finish it off in style. However, there are others, like me, the ones who begin faster, get tired, battle emotions of giving up, and yet, overcome fear with the courage to finish and cross the line, those who triumph over all odds, for somehow, it is these unforeseen struggles, which when overcome, makes the run memorable.

I still am patient, and will continue to be..

During exams in my childhood days, I used to have a problem. I always wrote at a great speed. However, my mind generated answer at a faster pace than what I wrote. If I was supposed to write "The scenery is so serene that no matter how long you stay, you will be calm and never will you panic", I would end up writing it as "the scenery is so serene that no you will panic". I used to strike it and begin writing all over again. This usually occurred every time I was anxious or under pressure or some sort of restlessness. But imagine how it is when one is anxious, under pressure and restless at the same time? Now that is precisely what I am going through.

The last seventy two hours have been the slowest, with every minute increasing my heart rate. No matter how much I try to divert my mind, or try to calm myself down, somehow, like a wave, I get pulled back to the shore or restlessness. For long I have walked on this shore, with waves of anxiousness ebbing my feet.

Sometimes, all that you need is right in front of you and yet, there is nothing that you could really do. Sometimes, you would have done everything and anything that is follow would be totally dependent on the other person and therefore, time stands still at your end. Right now, that is how things are at my end.

Though there might be several tempests that rise within me, though there might be shattering storms that rattle my soul in me, I will still continue to be patient, maintain calm on the surface.

What am I going through now?

Anxiousness is the real killer. It is a weird concept when you think about it. When in anxious, a person feels that the time never moves, the swinging seconds needle appears to swing like a pendulum, between two realms. Somehow, every second that passes, makes a person feels as if a decade has passed by. Imagine living a decade and yet know that only a second has passed by. Now that is what happens when a person is anxious, or lets say, that is how I am feeling now.

After several months of going through plethora of thoughts, unimaginable amount of imaginations, constant preparations for conversations of three kinds, yes no or may be, a response, each of which would require me to be prepared for, somehow, I am now in that final phase. A phase that would determine how everything would now turn out to be. For long, I have been living at the cross roads, actually, at a junction. Through one road, I reached a junction, which now has three ways to go into. I have been stuck at this place for a long time. Neither of the ways is as an easy path, and to be honest, I am glad about it. Somehow, I have never liked a journey that was a smooth one, for there are no cherishable moments, no lessons learnt, no struggles, no hard work in them. As much as a journey on a highway is smoother, it just finishes too quickly. Imagine travelling a thousand miles. A journey on highway would probably get over in 6-8 hours at the max, it might take ten hours. However, if the same journey is now taken on unknown routes, covering unknown places, the journey might actually have a lot more to it than one can fathom.

Hairs that grow on us, when cut, makes us feel nothing. Sometimes, I wish that moments that grow on us, which we would not need or wished never occurred, could be cut out of our mind just like the hair. I wonder why, all the time. Even now, as I sit and try to think of how this week is going to be, I just cannot wonder how it would be. I mean, would it be just another week of my life, or would it be a cherishable one, or would it be another turning point in my life. Would this week leave me filled with emotions, or filled with joy or leave me gaping for freedom, I wonder how it would be. But just wondering how it would be would definitely not stop me from living it. If there is something that life has taught me most ruthlessly, it is to live life despite of what happens for a second that passes now, cannot be gained back. A minute that goes by, never comes back. A person standing by the shore, after facing one wave, can never experience another wave that was like the previous one. Not sure who said this, but time and tide surely wait for none.

Mathematics is a subject, a fan of which I have always been. Somehow, I have seen life in form of numbers. But love, it always astonishes me. In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing. For a long time, I mean real long time, I had forgotten where my soul really was. It was hidden in some unknown place within me. I forever had always been trying to know where my soul was, where it was hiding, what it was doing and somehow, I never really found it. The moment I realized I was in love, the love made my soul crawl out from its hiding place. It was as if it found its match with whom it could resonate.

So here I am, at the start of the second week of 2010, wishing my soul could begin resonating forever and never go back to its hiding place.

Year 2009 - A year of realizations

It has been a while since I wanted to write this post and every time I felt like writing, there was some or the other event that occurred, which in turn diverted my mind. Its been over a month to be honest.

Soon I will be finishing four working years of my life, a phase of my life that has taught me more lessons than my 16 years of education could ever do. Though year 2005 was my actual entry into the corporate world, due to several unforeseen circumstances, it could not continue to be and hence year 2006 became my entry. New environment, new people, new friends, new challenges, more credit cards, more fun. Somehow, 2006 passed too quickly, without me realizing anything in it. Although, as always, there were several cherishable moments made, somehow, it never taught me anything, or atleast, I thought so.

When I stepped into year 2007, little did I know of what was in store for me. I must say, it was a wake up call for me. Too many events rattled my existence, my approach towards life, my ambitions, infact, everything about me and my life changed in the year 2007. Lets say, for now atleast, that 2007 was the turning point of my life. From a boy who was working and earning, I became a man who began earning. Sometimes, for a guy, certain tragic events should take place to grow up to be a man and that is precisely what happened in 2007.

With what had happened in 2007, that December, I decided that no matter what happens from now onwards, every December, I would dedicate the last two weeks in going through the entire year that had passed, marking key events or more so, milestones, lessons that I had learnt and later, give myself realistic resolutions, which when achieved, would elate me with confidence. Thus began the resolution exercise, which now has become a ritual. Instead of giving myself a resolution to last an entire year, I give myself targets to be achieved every quarter. I dont know what the year holds for me, but for sure, the events that happen to me now will have influence over me for few months and hence my exercise. More often that I thought, I met my resolutions. With that said, as I entered 2008, life had stored too many challenging events, hectic work life, great moments with friends, in short, year 2008 was one of the best years of my life. To much of knowledge was gained and a lot of happiness was shared as well.

So there I was, with 2006 vanishing without anything left, and 2007 rattling me completely, 2008 filled me with knowledge. As much as I did not want to anticipate or hope or expect what 2009 would be like, a lot of permutations and combinations began in my mind. Sometimes, we have to wait longer than we think to know the bigger picture, for events are like dots and over a period of time, when you start connecting the dots, you get to know what the picture is. So as the year was coming to an end, it occurred to be that year 2009 was the year of realization. Life often throws surprises at us and at times we need to take a leap of faith. For me, year 209 involved taking several leaps. From an atheist, I began praying to God, from inhumane to emotions, I began feeling and living them, I once again began loving, wrote my first ever love letter and what not. The last week that was spent at Goa made me do all that I always wanted to do, swim in the ocean at night, parasail in a full moon light, with moonlight reflecting on the waves in the ocean, go on motor boats and feel the waves, get drunk by the ocean at night, lie down on the beach and look at the sky and feel the breeze, bond with total strangers, save people from drowning (yes, I saved two people), experience death to find a new love for life. I almost drowned saving one of my friend, and at that moment, in those few seconds, my entire life flashed and all I could think of was meeting the one I loved, to meet her. Somehow, at that moment, energy that had emptied me filled me again and the urge to be with her filled me so much that when I had lost the hope, and felt my lungs filling with water, I began swimming to the shore.

So here I am, in my year 2010, thinking about all that has gone by, and all that has had effect on me. Life for me, has come a long way from where it started.