Why do random thoughts make sense sometimes?

I was listening to the song "Tu hi to meri dost hai" from the movie "Yuvraaj" today. I must say, i heard it probably over forty times and I am not bored of it.

Every word in it, every tune in it, the rhythm in it has touched me and my senses and made me feel those moments when I felt them for the first time. I recollected those times. What a moments they were.. I cherish them even now.

It actually made me realize. The essence of survival differs from person to person and in my case by far, most evidently is a crave of being the one I want to be and to be with one whom I would want to be with. And this essence, in its very existence, makes a person do silly things, that by far, appear to be the most craziest things he/she could have done. Well, it has made me do many things too. Some I am ashamed off, but some make me proud.

Ashamed things are those that I repent for having done and would never want to do ever again. Take for an example, the credit cards.. What a mess they make out of a simple life. When I heard the concept of credit cards back in my early job days, it excited me. I mean come on, which soul in the world who has just graduated, would not get tempted with plastic cash to spend? I fell in the trap too. Not once, Not twice. You bet, not even thrice. In a span of 6 months, I had 4 credit cards. I spent. I spent. I spent. No plan in place, I just spent. But the sole desire in my spending was to keep people around me happy. Little did I know that few years down the life line, they would not be the same. I repent. Yes I do repent. Not for them, but for my desire to spend.

Proud things are those things that make me realize that "I-AM-SOMEONE-OUT-THERE-WITH-SUBSTANCE" and that feeling just pumps and kick starts the adrenaline enthralling mind blowing confidence level. I am not sure how many out there have know the concept called as "Center of Gravity". Every irregular shaped object, yeah yeah, any shape you can possibly think of, has a center of gravity. The place at which everything around it seems to be balanced.

Consider this. Life is an irregular object. An object with no boundaries in either direction and no specific shape and no peculiar surface. Its just an irregular entity. I guess, those critical and prioritized interests make the centre of gravity in life. More the centre of gravity, worse is the balancing act. Less the centre of gravity points, better the balance. Best would be where there is only one interest, which acts as the centre of gravity. In my life, ever since I have realized it, she has been that to me. Things around her when I am with her, made life so simple.

If she was with me, I would feel that I have conquered the world to spend that time with her. If she was not with me, I would begin to wonder when we will be meeting again. Be it that first meet, the first lunch, the second meet at the same place, the consecutive meetings at a park opposite her place, be it meeting her with her friends, be it anywhere I had met. The conclusions of those meetings always made me want to know when we would meet again.

Like someone said, time really heals and changes things, I would like to say that time also opens the wounds that have not completely healed yet. This christmas, it wil be three years of waiting. If I were not waiting, probably I would have been with over 30 others. But its me.

Thoughts of the most cherishable moments, the moments of her smiling, laughing, angry mode, not talking for several weeks, she getting irritated, everything, makes me want to make myself a better person. Everything that I have achieved so far from the day I realized how important it is in life to raise the bars and live upto the expectations, I have uinderstood that it is the only way I could prove to myself and to those out there that felt I was not capable of.

But as I kept proceeding, things began to fall off. The door of life was opened ajar like a pandora's box was opened. Monsters of past starting to empower me, began eating my present and challenging me. These monsters made me so weak, and when I wanted to share my burden with someone, it was even more painful to see no one was out there.

No one was out there. Ha! What a shame on me. I was the one resenting to tell, I was the one keeping myself in the closed doors of my room, I was the one to decide to suppress everything. I was the one who decided to be like this. Little did I know that I would alienate myself to everyone out there and begin to lose all those gems I had collected over a period of my life time.

Here I am. Sitting at my couch, at 3am, writing a post on how I am feeling right now. I used to be a person with optimism ooozing out of me all the time. It does even now but in less quantities, just like the snowfall in Himalayas in the present day. Here I am, sitting at my couch, wondering why is life treating me like a scum bag. Here I am, sitting at my couch, wishing and praying for only one thing. Here I am, wondering why, when you let others take control over you, you tend to go with the flow. The boat is yours, The journey is yours., and the ocean you are travelling in was built for you. I am just praying that I get back to sailing the boat for I am not sure where its pseudo sailor willl lead me to. Thats the other Mithun in me, which is not what I should become.

From college, to credit cards to love to disappointment to tuf life and than the unrequited love.. All appear random, but when thought, these random things become random thoughts. But when you focus more, these begin to make sense. These give me a bigger and clearer picture of what I have become. A loner. Why do random thoughts make sense sometimes?