Sometimes..

Sometimes I wonder..

Sometimes I think..

Sometimes I understand..

Sometimes I want to be understood..

Sometimes, I just want things to be sometimes..

Probably, there is a negativity in every positive thing and an amazing heart warming pulsating adrenaline pumping motivating truth in every negativity too. It just depends on how you look at things.

On an average, in a day, my routine varies from moving off my favorite couch to prepare for the battle and face the extra nutritious day. It begins from reading newspaper, watching a little bit of news and than switch over to music. Than check my mails, read some online articles. When clock strikes right time, I get ready and am off to work with a little or no food in my ever growing tummy. It is at this time that life starts feeding me with new things.

On the way to work, I notice so many things. People in different places, different moods, different clothes, different vehicles, different attitudes.. There is varsity in variety every where. I try to find a unique thing in everything. A thing that stands out of the odd. A thing that would want others to want it. I search for that.

Travellers, walkers, people who are sitting, mostly looking at the earth all the time. I wonder at these times as to how depressed and pessimistic has their own choices made them. How I wish I could help each one of them.

I see trees swinging, leaves dancing, branches singing in melancholy, telling things to humans.. Do not worry. Things will happen as they are destined to. Wind will blow, trees will shake. I understood that. Its the unspoken law of nature. At the same time, I see the look on various faces. Faces filled with anxiety, pain, mild happiness, tiredness, grief, sorrow, suffering and every possible negative emotions I could probably list.

All the while during my journey from home to work, I try to find one person who would atleast smile looking at a stranger and say in an unsaid words "We are alive".. I try to find that one person, every single day for past 2.5 years. I will continue to find that person. Not just from home to work, in every road I would travel, in every person my eyes could possibly see.

I reach office. With one thing in my mind. "I will not let today be like yesterday". I come with a motto to make today a better one compared to yesterday. I will face every challenging situation in a motivational way. I will not compromise myself for any living thing or a non living thing at work. I will make sure to beat my yesterday's efficiency today. So what if I get paid less, I will earn my pay for what as a person I am. Not for who I am with at work.

With that in my mind, as I step in, I feel the heat of negativity surrounding my desk. As I am approaching, I tell myself, to continue to persist. I have got myself used to watch laziness, as fat as cows as thin as skeletons, as ignorant as snail. I have seen wickedness as wicked as jackal or a hyena. I have seen every genre of animals in the zoo. Almost everything. It is here that I realized there was one more kind. A kind that is not to be found anywhere.

In my stay as an employee, after my college days, I have realized some important things. Some people work for gaining experience. Some work for money. Some work for pleasure. Some work for finding happiness. Some seek growth. Some work for building contacts. Some work for nothing. common thing in all of them is something interesting. When you happen to ask them 'Why are you doing whatever you are doing?", surprisingly for others not me, they do not know the answer. They would just say "I finished my school. After that college. I got a job. I am working. I want to earn more." And then, I met the new kind. The self-centered crowd. These do not care what happens to others, how others might feel. All they are worried is about recognition, more recognition, more and more recognition. I want to climb 100 steps in 4 jumps.

It is at these times that I think. I think of how it would be in the corporate world, if we had honest works. When targets were not met, if the employees took that as a challenge to work the best next time, how would things be? I think of how the corporate world would be. I think on what I would need to do to atleast take the first step towards that. What I think is what I believe I can do. I think.

As the day goes, I work. Same routine, same genre of mails, same contacts, new escalations, new projects, new challenges.

It is at these times I understand. I understand how things at work affect one another. How the result of one's work is the input for the process of someone else's work. I understand the flow. I understand why as a person people are who they are. I understand why people made choices that they preferred over the other option.

Considering what people are, I work to ensure that I live to what I deide for the day. I live not to compromise myself for the benefit of others for their selfish motives. I do not intend to hurt anyone while I work for the betterment of others. First chance is forgivable. Second chance is manageable. Third chance can possibly a warning sign. But the next one, it is better to close the tap off or cut the feathers down or even worse, flush the shit out.

I fight a battle with myself every single day. I being a human too, tend to be biasing towards people. I have that feeling to do good to those who I am always with and talk to. I tend to be that as a person. Call it as an inluence of people I am working with or the environment on me. I tend to be like that. But I deter from it, fight the temptation away and let me smile at myself and say one thing "I am me".

I care for people whom I respect a lot for what as a person they are. Sometimes, I tend to help them even without they asking me for it. At times I tend to be more concerned about their problems because I cant see them worried and upset. Till I find a valuable and persistent solution, I never take a break. Whenever there is a problem, I love to be the first person to come there to solve it up. Once it is solved, I love to sit back and see the happiness and not ask for what I did. Its a challenge to be selfless and I seemt o have mastered it.

Sometimes, whatever I do, however I do, whenever I do, things go wrong. Not because of me. But because of certain circumstances and situations. Sometimes those whom I count on, tend to doubt my very being. Sometimes, those who know me for a lot reasons and a lot better, do not seem to have a clue of what I am going through. Sometimes I just expect someone tojust walk to me and ask me those magical words "Can I help you?", sometimes I just want someone to come over me and sit beside me and put an arm across my shoulders and say "I am there", sometimes, I tend to be human and crave for someone's presence, efficient enough to motivate me. I do not like asking those things for they make me weak.

It is at these times that I want to be understood. It is at these times that I really want to be understood.

A lot of hope rides on my back in everything I do, in everything I think, in everything I feel, in everything i want, in everything I give, in everything..

Sometimes, I just want things to be sometimes...