Ah the battles..

We are always in constant battles. We are under the impression that it is the world and the people with whom we battle. It is so unfortunate that we actually forget that we are in battle with ourself more than with anything else. Few months ago, I was in battle with myself trying to figure out what things were. Few weeks back I was again in battle with myself to take an action or not. And now, I am in a battle with myself. Yet again.

When things happen as they do and when you realize that there was nothing that you could have done, the only thing that you will end up doing is accepting that they happened. To be more on the specific terms, few months back I realized I was in love. As much happy as I was, I was not sure if it truly was love. I began battling various thoughts to determine if it really was. I did every possible thing to ensure I did not feel the way I felt and did things to determine if I was really in love. But no matter what I did, I just kept loving even more. With every day that passed, it just grew exponentially. The more I was trying to tell myself that I was not in love, the more situations became clearer that I was.

So there I was, confirming that I was indeed in love. A hard hitting reality. It was four years back when I decided that I would never love again, and will never let myself love, intentionally or unintentionally, knowingly or unknowingly. As a result, I did everything that I could do to continue to remain so. Until few months. After that was clear, another battle began. Should I let her know or should I not let her know. Looks like the battles never end. They always are a matter of choice. Constantly. Endlessly. They just remain and keep coming back in various forms. So the battle I began fighting was to let her know or not. It took me over few months to decide on this. No matter how I felt about her, I had to be honest about it and hence I decided to tell her.

Once that went by, the next was to figure out how to tell it to her. Again, too many options, too many ways, but had to choose a way that would let her know how important she is to me. To give a flower was easy a thing to do. To tell her on a call was easier. Giving something was easier as well. Nothing made sense. The battle was now on, within the realm of my mind, wondering which one was the path I had to take. Of all possible way to let her know, I chose to write a letter. Not an email. But a letter. A handwritten one. Once that was done, I now had to write it. I have lost the count as to how many times I drafted it. Wrote, rewrote, wrote again. Chucked it. Started writing again and rewrote.

To give or not to give was the next. Little did I know that even this was going to be a tough one to deal with. It all appeared to be so easy as a thought, but when it was the time to turn the thoughts into a deed, it was like a journey to reach the horizon. After much deliberation, much time spent, I gave it to her. While I thought the battles were done, I realized that the mainstream battle has just begun. While it was difficult to imagine how things would be, it was much soothing after a conversation.

Never have I forced anyone on anything, never will I. Never have I pressurized anyone, never will I. While I wait, with every passing moment, I feel it growing within me, what I have for her, just increases every single moment surpassing what it ever was before. While I never saw what was right in front of me, once seen, I could not stop seeing.

I guess, the battles will never cease and keep happening.

To you, my dear..

You quench the thirst of my heart,
With you I never wish to be apart.
With you the whole world looks like a piece of art,
For you I'm willing to make a million fresh a start.

Like a ripple causes several others,
With one cohesive thought of reaching the shore.
Your presence causes a string of events on my life,
With a cohesive thought of wanting to spend rest of life, with you as
it's core.

No matter who I look at, I think if you,
No matter what I do, I think of you.
No matter where I go, I think of you,
You are in every thought that I can't think anything but think of you.

When I see trees and it's leaves, life on it reminds me of you,
When I see a child laughing, it's beautiful laughter reminds me of you.
When I see people in pain and suffering,
It reminds me of you for pain I would go through without you in my
life would me far more worse.

It is you I think of when I write,
It is you I dream of every time I fall asleep.
It is for you that my heart dances in joy when you are in my sight,
In my heart lie emotions equivalent to the abyss's deep.

To you my heart speaks a language
that my mind cannot understand,
Though logic offers serenity over emotions
It's only the feelings for you that I can withstand.

The strength in every king's finger comes to life when he holds his
mighty sword,
And to every person who believes in the lord.
But for me both, the belief and strength comes to life
when we both strike the same chord.

As many thoughts I pen down, the more they come up,
Letting me know that you are my life's essence..
For it is only one life we live,
and only you would make it worthwhile with your adorable presence..

While I travelled..

Old habits die hard. While I travel, I usually write a lot. Lets just say, I use the time in a productive way that I could be proud about. As my history goes, this time around, I did the same. Due to an emergency work, I had to go to Raichur, and this is what I wrote while I was travelling in the train.

Location: Train, Sleeper Coach, Side Lower berth
Date: 21 October 2009
Time: 0030 AM

Here we go..

It is now 0030am. On my way to Raichur, just crossed Gauribidanur. A place not that far from Bangalore. Its been almost two hours since the train departed from Bangalore. While most of the people in the sleeper coach have slept, I am wide awake, typing and writing down my thoughts.

Everytime an inhabited area is passed, darkness glooms, until another inhabited area comes around. It has been happening for quite few times tonight and as the journey goes ahead, there might be some durations of darkness that might appear to be longer than expected. As I set next to a window and look into the darkness, I see flashes. The flashes remind me of great times in my life and they also bring forth the darkest times in my life too. For some strange reason, everytime I see darkness, yes, you read it right, for everytime I see darkness, something in me lights up, more like a bio-luminiscence object within me, perhaps my soul.

While most of the people prefer sleeping in the darkness for they fear what darkness might bring unto them, I stay wide awake, looking right into the eyes of the darkness. Looking into the darkness makes me look into void, a void that otherwsie I would not have looked into. This darkness that continues to elude me for my life time has indeed taught me plenty of things. The dimly lit lights in the bogie throw up a faint light on the ground beside the path of the tracks. As I see the ground moving, I see several stones, some shrubs, a brdige did pass by, river water, sound of the water played in melancholy with that of the rails. As I continued to look into these, I decided to look upwards. What a sight that was.. Cloudless sky, filled with countless stars. Constellations after constellations, twinkles after twinkles, from one end to the other, as far as the horizon goes, the stars shone.

With stars shining in the sky, I began associating the stars to good things that happened in my life with those that I did to the others around me and the darkness between each stars were then associated to the tough times I had between two good things. As i continued doing so, I realized one thing. If you want to make out a pattern, you will make it out. If you look out for a meaning, you will find one. If you just sit an stare, you will just sit and stare. As I continued my exercise for the night, I was glad to see the picture. On more than one occassion, lately, it is the same picture that I have been seeing. Somehow, it reappears over and over again.

The wind continued to blow on my face with a gushing sound. I could feel the sound even as I continued listening to music as loud as I possibly could. Over a period of time, the wind became cooler and cooler and cooler. Was I going into oblivion? Not sure. Was I going into a realm of cold thoughts? Not sure. Was I going into more deeper world where everything was dark and thoughts would continue flashing? Not sure. As I kept thinking on this. I closed my eyes, fell asleep. When I woke up, I was looking at the platform in one of the stations, checked my ipod, music was still on, saw a look on my fellow passengers, kinda anger for keeping the windows open, oops..

As I saw the picture again, I said to myself. This picture makes me smile when world around me is not with me. Being in love was never this soothing..

How I wish..

If I were to compare the changes I have gone through as a person in my entire life to what I have undergone in last 6 months, I would say that I have changed magnanimously in last 6 months. Trifold or quadruple or even multiple times more than that, I am glad I have changed the way I have and am a person the way I currently am. Not just that, the last two weeks have given an immense push in reality to me, which I am digesting with every passing minute.

When we wish to have something we need, we often spend every second wishing to get it right away. Every minute passes like an hour and every hour pass like a decade. To live a single day would be like living a lifetime and the period of wait makes you look at your reality and learn lessons which otherwise you would not have learnt. Time, teaches us things in a really weird ways.

The other day I was walking back home from the park where I spend time with the nature, writing. As I came back, I saw a white pigeon fly over me, flapping its wings. I smiled at the bird. Just as looked up at the sky, I noticed that it was densely clouded and at ay moment there were chances of water pouring down heavily upon me. But as I continued looking a the clouds, I saw something falling down to the earth, on which I walked. It looked tiny when I looked at it, but it came down swirling down. As I noticed, it was a feather of the pigeon. A white feather.

Just as I continued to see the feather, too many thoughts started crowding me from all directions in the realm of thoughts. I began wishing if I had feathers, and was able to fly. I wished if I were like an eagle and flew over all man-made concrete jungles. I wished I pierced the wind like a knife and felt wind in my wings. With wings flapping in the presence of the glorious nature, I wished to go to places I could not go right away. Atop Himalayas, on the rocky mountains, over the deep blue sea in which dolphins swam in cohesive nature, see the penguins dive into the ocean.. The thoughts began filling me in.

Just as I continued to think so, I remembered the most important thing that happened to me. Few weeks have passed but its as though I have lived several lifetimes in those days. To wait is something that I have always done without any pain and I enjoyed waiting. Lately I have realized that sometimes there will be some ways in which waiting can make a person restless, eager, anxious.

Every second that passes by makes me feel like I have lived a day, every minute that passes by makes me feel like I have lived a week, every hour that I have lived makes me feel like I have lived a year, every day I have lived makes me feel like I have lived a lifetime. I am waiting to know what happens, how it will happen, what is in store for me, will I finally get what I have wished for, will it happen..

Yes, at this time, this moment, as many thoughts I feel like writing down, I am at the same time not wanting to do the same. How I wish I could say it all..