Wednesday 30 July 2008

Adopted or chosen to challenge the Odds?



I have been wondering as to what adoption is all about. I have spent quite a number of years in knowing it. I agree that internet is the compandium to find any possible information on earth below the sky. But somehow, I was just unable to find the essence in the adoption and what it really meant. There was a feeling that was just letting me know the missing link. Something that just is not so correct.

Here I am, telling you all a true story. A story, which would either perplex you or might make you feel that the child is just not lucky. I am not sure where he was born, who were his parents, where was the child living until it was adopted. I f I were to give a live testimonial, I would tell every piece of information, every incident, for I have seen the child grow. Dont run your imagination, Just keep it to this very post and these very lines.

He was born on a day during the spring season of the year, year not sure yet. I have been wondering as to who his real parents might be. Those who left him after he was born, or those who took care of him for over 2 decades or those friends of him, who were with him during his good bad and worse times. I am still wondering. Not sure who is to be blamed for his past. The past which had green pastures, shades of grey, dark and filled with horrifying realities.

As a boy, in his early ages, he got everything from his parents, the one who were taking care of him. Not even once, not even once, was he asked if he liked wat was given to him. His mental environment began to mature at a very early age. Rather than cribbing, or even crying which every other child of his age would have done, he dint complain. He never thought that there was a good point in complaining. He knew, deep down in his heart, that one day, his parents would love him the most. And that was the day he has been waiting ever since.

He had a brother to take care of. His brother, he considers to be the best brother anyone could have, the one whom he respects a lot and loves a lot. He used to shout at him, yell at him and at times in their late school days, he beat him as well. But he loved his brother very much, for whatever he was doing, it was for his brother's good. He gave up his dreams, his options, his thoughts, and just lived to ensure that his brother got undivided attention from his parents. For he was aware, he was aware of one thing. The attention he seeked from his parents, the one that was due for a long time, would take even longer time.

To ensure he never felt lonely and hurt, he started making friends and spending more time with them. Years past, he grew. Human emotions never deterred him, nor controlled him. Infact, he controlled the emotions. Until.. Until the day came when he met a gal. The gal, who brought a meaning to his life. But she dint last long. She came as a tide that brought tortoise to the sea shore to lay eggs and give birth to a new life, and went back like the tide that took the crabs into ocean. A tide she came, a tide she went. Would the sea shore stop to be what it is because of that one beautiful tide? But hey, life is more than this. he let bygones be bygones. He realized that there is much more indepth meaning to life, and time had changed so many things.

He has seen enough till now. Gone through enough till now. But, there is a never give up attitude in him, that makes him to survive and all the difficulties that have come, have inturn brought a hope, a dream of having good times. Its not that he never had good time in his life at all. but they never lasted either. He has seen discrimination to the fullest at home. Yet, he continues to give his best for his family. He searched for happiness and never got it. he finally realized that being happy is not meant for him, So he keeps people around him happy. I guess, thats why he was born, even if his birth was unintentional. He did things that were good to others. He always thought of what is good for others, but never thought or felt that there should be something wrong done to others. Most of his friends do n0t think he is normal. For he does not get angry. Does not react to situations like others do. He tries to give positive energy rather than spreading pessimism, Moreover, he is in a constant process of keeping people around him happy.

All this while, while reading this post, if you have been wondering who this guy is, than dont. This was what I thought of, how a person would be, who would realize that he does not know who his true gene donors were.

Monday 21 July 2008

Farmer or Sculptor or a mere Human?

I have often wanted to tel things in a way that would make others think and understand. I was sitting and letting the thoughts in my mind overpower me. This often gives rise to some interesting things. Mostly, very realistic. But sometimes, some tales pop up in my mind and they tend to have some meaning hidden in them. This thought came up, and I began writing.

There was a farmer. He was pretty much occupied in his day to day work. He had a routine to follow, every single day. Not even a day passed with him not doing his work, which he always did. To work on his field, he had to travel through a certain road. Everyday he passed through it, he noticed something new. Somedays he found some new birds chirping, sometimes he found animals.. At times he found interesting plants, Somedays he noticed flowers on some plants. He always wondered what their names were. But he always knew, that there would be someday, when he would come across a thing, that would chage his wish and motive of his survival. To him, going to field to work on crops, was a very routine thing. It was for his living. But for his survival, he had to do something.

Like I have always believed and knew and had a hope for, everyone, at somepoint in time, come across that one thing. be it a person, an animal, or a moment. That will change that person, for that will let him / her realize that their life is just worth more than what they have been thinking and dealing with. Same thing happened with the farmer. One day, when he woke up in the morning, he wished that he would know the reason for his living, He wished. As he was walking past the same road, he noticed a stone. He had never noticied that. he did not know what to call it. I can say it was a rock. But he did not know. So lets just say the same.

On the first day he saw the rock, he did not do anything. He saw it the second day. he did not do anything. He saw it on days to come, He saw it for weeks. He noticed that all those who were passing the same path, never noticed the presence of the rock. He somehow got interested in it. He realized that there was something in him that was telling him to concentrate on that rock. He felt as if there was some sort of magnetic force in that rock that was pulling him towards it.

He decided that he has to do something about it. He had to something so ensure that that rock would get its due respect, eventually ofcourse. He was not a magician, but a simple human being. First day, he cleared some weeds around it. Next day he cleaned out the rock. Slowly, steadily, and daily, for few years, he started spending a quality of his time with that rock. He began sculpting it. He wanted all those who passed across it to respect it. He wanted people to notice it. He knew that the rock for all its existence until then, had not recieved its due respect. He sacricified many opportunities that could have made him the most successful farmer in the country. But he never once changed his mind. He was spending more and more and more time with the rock, for he knew that someday it would surely be noticed.

Well, like the saying goes, eventually everyone will realize the good things around. So did it happen with the rock too. The King saw it. Beautifully sculpted. Marvellous in its beauty. Appaling in this enthralling nature. It carried in it the care, love, tenderness, hostility of a person. It became a personification of a certain being. The king was so happy, he took it and made it known in his country. And then there was news about this sculpture everywhere. People began respecting it so much that it was being glorified. People began appreciating the sculpture. It was finally getting its due respect. All the friends of the farmer began talking about this new sculpture that had become so famous.

He knew it was the one that he had spent the most precious part of his life. He had given all he had to make it. He had literally redifned his purpose in his life and had achieved it too. He knew that no matter what happened, his love for that rock would not reduce anytime. The farmer knew, that it was in best interest for that rock that he did not tell anyone that he had made it. For the rest of his life that he lived, he saw that rock that was now a sculpture from far. He just wished. This time, he wished that the respect for the rock not to die at all.

I do not know what to say about that farmer. Call him a farmer? Call him a loser? Call him a sculptor? Call him a winner? I do not know what to say. But one thing is for sure. I have gone through similar situation and I also know that many people out there have gone through the same. In their daily life, they would sure have come across a job, a treasure, a person, love, money, status and many more. Each would have made the same thing, and then would have seen it go. Some would have been terrified, some would have cried, some would have struggled to get back to life, some would have ignored, some would have made life difficult. But apart from all, some would have sacrificed all their dreams for the happiness of that one thing that they cared the most for.

Sunday 13 July 2008

I have known....

I have known that carrying a memory for the rest of your life, the good things that came out of the difficulties that have come and gone, serve as a proof of your abilities and will give you confidence when you are faced by other obstacles at a later stage in life..


I have known that the emotional rubbish produced in the factories of mind consists of pain that has long since passed and is no longer useful. It consists of precautions that were important in the past, but that serve no purpose in the present.


I have known everyone of us has a unique way of sowing our actions, fertilising our thoughts and watering our conquests. It is always good to heed to ourselves than doing what others tell us do to. for if we do so, we wont be planting a seed of our choice.


What I would like you to know however is that the memory I carry with me, the precautions that my emotional rubbish in mind makes me take, the seed I planted, have all been and always will be because of you.


There are times when , in saying 'yes' to others, a person is actually saying 'no' to himelf. That is why he never says 'yes'/ with his lips if, in his heart, he is saying 'no'. I have lost the count of times when I was just quite and nodded that I do not love you anymore.. I have lost the count of times when I wanted to tell you so many things but just chose to stay quite..


I know I am not a scholar. I am neither an astrologer nor a prophet to know what is going to happen, Which is why I seek direction and understanding in every incident that happens in my life. I believe in making the journey memorable that will help me in reaching my destination. The scars of wounds, the pain caused by unbearable wounds all play a vital role in ensuring I dont forget how I reached where I had to reach. I remember those days, when I would say I love you to you as much as I can. I now know that I cannot say it. I cannot say it even if it is eating me out from inside. I guess thats the power of suppressing emotions and resenting our feelings.


I have known that every drop of tear shed out, ever scar that the tears made on my trodden face, every night that I stayed awake, every meal I skipped, every thought emotion feeling that I suppressed, will one day be weighed. I am sure about that. But guess what, I am not excited about its value, for I have known that one cannot put a price tag to it.


I have known that time is a one-way street. Things once passed, are bound not to come again. But I also know that some one-way streets also have a U turn. I have now known that every body will get a second chance in life. To relive every moment that they missed out.


I would like to tell you that I have now realized that I unknowingly had begun a wait for it.

Monday 7 July 2008

Why does this happen to me all the time..

I am not the kind of a person who would vent out any anger or frustration I go through to or on anyone. I just talk about it with those whom I can talk with.

Everyone once in a while the dark clouds hovering over you give way to some lightning.

Its nice to see a lightning. But it is weird to imagine and scary a thing to know that lightning can strike more than twice at the same time.

I have just been honest with my work and I do not tink at any point of time that I deserve to be treated the way I am being treated. Why play petty childish politics when there is no need for it?
Why cant people just come, be dare enough, to talk face to face and try to work out on the differences between me and them.. Why?

Why does this always happen to me? Every single time, every time. Like a trend, every year. Its just the same.

I do not deserve to be treated like this. Not by anyone. I know i deserve better things. I knw it now. I never believed in it till now. Now I want to be taken the way I am as a person.

Enough of manipulating people around me. I just want to be with those who know to talk truth.

Saturday 5 July 2008

All is what it is only because of who it is..

I was listening to a song called "Kahin to Hogi woh" from the movie "Jaane tu ya jaane na" and I could not stop myself from writing this out..

It has been a while since I spoke to you..
It has been a while since I had a laugh with you..
It has been a while since I let out the frustration in me.
It has been a while since I have been calm..
It has been a while since I have realized some tantalizing truth..
It has been a while since we shared the magic of conversation
It has been a while since you spoke to me
It has been a while since you smiled
It has been a while since you teased me..


All these days, I was living to win. Hence the losses on the way made my wish to win a desperate measure.
It has now been a while for that.
But now, things are to change for good.
I have realized that playing a game to win is one thing, but an obsession to win is another.
I have now realized that I better enjoy the ride. Be it a win or be it a loss.


It has been a while since I laughed truly
It has been a while since I accepted the fact of life - change is constant
It has been a while since I have been sportive of unusual things
It has been a while since I have had real satisfying time
It has been a while since I have made a pact with myself and you..
It has been a while since I realized how much you want me to change for you
It has been a while since I have been changing for you
It has been a while since I understood why you wanted me to change
It has been a while since I became a person that I have never been,,


Wanting to say so many things,
Wanting to talk about so many things,
Wanting to discuss so many things,
Wanting to be with you in all the times - happy ones, sad ones, tough ones, easy ones, joyful ones, painful ones
Wanting to count every second I could - with you
Wanting to dream a dream with you - to fulfill it together
Wanting to share my love to you with you
Wanting to spend an evening walking with you by the shore while the water passed through our feet
Wanting to be there when you need me the most
Wanting to ensure myself that you are there for me - always
Wanting to have sweet talks, peppy conversations, a delightful meal, a cup of coffee..
I just want to you to be you when you are with me and me to be the person you would like me to be..


You are well read, determined a person as you have always been
You are a no nonsense person at times..
Also at times you are a bit pushy on the outside,
But you are also a person nobody would want to reckon with..
I am glad to have interacted with you, for which I now know how to think.
I now know how good I can continue to be..
Its just that what I want to say is never really complete with what I would really want to say,,


I am not asking you to love me
I am not really even asking you.
But isnt it alright If I cherish that hope in my heart?
If I dream of just holding your hand, It wil l hurt me - not you
I will try to keep my eyes from shining when they see you.
And I promise, I will try not to smile a special smile when you say hello.
But please, dont ask me not to love you.


I have been bottling up many things off late..
Like a bottle of coke with a mint in it that has been closed and stirred, waiting to explode when opened up,
Like a lava in a mountain that has been boiling at unimaginable degrees of heat and waiting to explode,
I have just been waiting to talk to you... be with you.. know you... I just hope that one day you would know how I feel and what I go through..

Thursday 3 July 2008

I just dont know what to do

I know I have been good to one and all, and all know that not all have been good in return.

A question that all have been asking me is why I continue to be good? And that is usually followed by another one. Why do you help anyone anytime all the time?

I dont know how to actually express it. Nor do I know how I should be really writing that up here..

On one hand it is really hurting to know that people really do not have gratitude (some do) but on the other hand it is satisfying to know that I have lived upto their expectations when they wanted me to. On one hand it is nice to feel that I am helping my friends even before they would ask me to do so, on the other, it is kinda pricking a feeling that some dont realize that I am doing so for their own good.

Everyone lies and everyone has problems bu nothing really explains everything. Unless and until you would want things to get explained or would want to explain the things. The trivia of my life for the past week is worse than that of a sinusoidal wave. Random ups, mostly downs, hardly a safe terrain, thats what it has been.

I still cannot really tell what I really want to talk about and get that out of me. I still cannot do it.

Wednesday 2 July 2008

It has been a while...

It has ben ahwile since i wrote something.
It has been a while since I really wanted something
It has been a while since I had a sound and uninterrupted sleep
It has been a while since I felt secure in someone's presence
It has been a while since I fought for something
It has been a while since.......... and the list goes on and on..

Hidden beneath a whole series of good intentions lie feelings that no one dares to confes to himself; vengeance, self-destruction,guilt, fear of winning, an unusual joy at other people's tragedies. Though I have various nick names, I realized that I am a human too. And its quite normal that I had the same too.

Emotional rubbish produced in the factories of mind consists of pain that has long since passed and is no longer useful. It consists of precautions that were important in the past, but that serve no purpose in the present.

It has been a while since I craved for something. And now, it is back. I now crave for even better success that what I have had so far in life.