Anxiousness is the real killer. It is a weird concept when you think about it. When in anxious, a person feels that the time never moves, the swinging seconds needle appears to swing like a pendulum, between two realms. Somehow, every second that passes, makes a person feels as if a decade has passed by. Imagine living a decade and yet know that only a second has passed by. Now that is what happens when a person is anxious, or lets say, that is how I am feeling now.
After several months of going through plethora of thoughts, unimaginable amount of imaginations, constant preparations for conversations of three kinds, yes no or may be, a response, each of which would require me to be prepared for, somehow, I am now in that final phase. A phase that would determine how everything would now turn out to be. For long, I have been living at the cross roads, actually, at a junction. Through one road, I reached a junction, which now has three ways to go into. I have been stuck at this place for a long time. Neither of the ways is as an easy path, and to be honest, I am glad about it. Somehow, I have never liked a journey that was a smooth one, for there are no cherishable moments, no lessons learnt, no struggles, no hard work in them. As much as a journey on a highway is smoother, it just finishes too quickly. Imagine travelling a thousand miles. A journey on highway would probably get over in 6-8 hours at the max, it might take ten hours. However, if the same journey is now taken on unknown routes, covering unknown places, the journey might actually have a lot more to it than one can fathom.
Hairs that grow on us, when cut, makes us feel nothing. Sometimes, I wish that moments that grow on us, which we would not need or wished never occurred, could be cut out of our mind just like the hair. I wonder why, all the time. Even now, as I sit and try to think of how this week is going to be, I just cannot wonder how it would be. I mean, would it be just another week of my life, or would it be a cherishable one, or would it be another turning point in my life. Would this week leave me filled with emotions, or filled with joy or leave me gaping for freedom, I wonder how it would be. But just wondering how it would be would definitely not stop me from living it. If there is something that life has taught me most ruthlessly, it is to live life despite of what happens for a second that passes now, cannot be gained back. A minute that goes by, never comes back. A person standing by the shore, after facing one wave, can never experience another wave that was like the previous one. Not sure who said this, but time and tide surely wait for none.
Mathematics is a subject, a fan of which I have always been. Somehow, I have seen life in form of numbers. But love, it always astonishes me. In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing. For a long time, I mean real long time, I had forgotten where my soul really was. It was hidden in some unknown place within me. I forever had always been trying to know where my soul was, where it was hiding, what it was doing and somehow, I never really found it. The moment I realized I was in love, the love made my soul crawl out from its hiding place. It was as if it found its match with whom it could resonate.
So here I am, at the start of the second week of 2010, wishing my soul could begin resonating forever and never go back to its hiding place.
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