Christmas of 2010

Its Christmas of 2010. A year that has been filled with so many memorable and unforgotten moments, some of which, I wished never happened. From the start of the day, to this time and I am sure for some more time to go during the night, I have been and I think I will continue to see this all around me.

As far as my memories go into the past, Christmas has been a time when I have been happy, shared happiness, spread the joy, made many more cherishing moments. This has been that one day in the entire year all these years for which I used to wait eagerly. Somehow, every Christmas, always, some memorable moments would occur. Oh Christmas, you have been so dear to me.

Happiness all around, people with joyful faces all around, merry all around, excitement all around, flowers, decoration, festive mood all around, people greeting one another, wishing one another, gifting one another, wanting to be with one another, loving one another, sharing that love. Aah those moments. Now that is Christmas, that is exactly what Christmas is all about. Messages on mobile, calls, voice messages, emails - wishes all over. Take that to the current world. People posting status messages, on Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, LinkedIn, you name it, people writing on one another wall, wishing one another, posting pictures, tagging them, posting videos, tagging them as well. Well, these are some of the many things that people do to wish one another on this beautiful day.

It all begins with plans and preparations, starting some where around 17-18th of December. Decorations begin around 20th. Shopping and everything else would be done and in place by 23rd. All the gifts, well packed, and eagerly awaiting for the gifts, people move onto 24th, the Christmas eve, with everything in place. Time to relax, and get ready for the celebration to begin, starting with the famous mid night mass at the church. People all dressed in new clothes, something that they all seem to be proud to let others see and shower accolades. Bliss.

Fast forward to the mass on 25th. Big one. All gathered, attentive, focused. Post this, family get together, with those who would have been invited for lunch / dinner. To say, this is all that people do, but to do, is what it is all about. Aah Christmas, this is what I had been doing all this while.

However, this time, this Christmas, of 2010, for me, it just is not.

From what I could possibly imagine, this December was filled with a lot of traveling for me. Mostly by air. Flight takes off, is in the air, lands. Hmmm, interesting. That is the ideal situation. Sometimes, during the time in the air, up above, when you think it is all calm, something happens. Turbulence. Turbulence in the air. All of a sudden, all the passengers begin to panic. I can understand why so. Love for life. Captain immediately asks everyone to put on their seat belts. At that very moment, pilot could do two things. One to go back, the other to continue to go further. The moments of turbulence shall come to pass. The pilot goes ahead.

Life took off for me in a memorable manner, to say specifically, the year of 2010. I quit alcohol, got back to God, joined gym, began work outs and lost close to 15 kilos, moved into a better role at work, got promoted, got my first car. Just when I thought that it was all going fine, I came across some shattering turbulence's. The Black Swan moment of my life. The entire course of my future changed with it. As much as I was theoretically prepared for it, when the moment arrived, it was far more difficult for me to live through it.

This Christmas, despite of all that has happened during the year, I am filled with a void. An emotional void. Throughout the day, amidst people, happiness, joy, merry, all that I felt was emptiness. Loneliness. A deep wound, A void. Took me over ten years but I think I finally understand why Shah Rukh Khan sang 'Bheed mein bhi thi tanhayee, yaad har pal teri aayi, roke koi mujhe zara, bhar na aaye yeh dil mera' in the movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Christmas of 2010 has been very quiet one for me, personally speaking. Love, when it happens, is the most, actually the best thing that could happen to anyone. Its the absence of it that hurts the most, and despite it being present all around me this Christmas, in me, it is absent. Or may be, for me, it is absent.