God - Now, its all up to you..

We sat at Cafe Coffee Day, in the premises of the airport. After several moments of high running emotions with an aura of an inexpressible feelings, looking into her eyes, I said, "If there is anything that I could do, from anywhere, in any manner, at any time, to keep you happy, even if it was for just a passing moment, I will do it."

Stared into her eyes as I completed the sentence, paused for a moment and looked away, with a volcano of emotions wanting to erupt out from within and yet, trying to be calm on the outside.

That was almost a week back.

I met her again, after a week. It was an unforeseen turn of events for her as she did not expect that I would show up again. So was it for me as well. A week back, somehow, as I entered the flight and sat there for two hours to reach back to Bangalore, I knew one thing. I was going to come back to visit her. And there I was, back, but this time, it was different. Last time I went, it was for her. This time I went, it was for us (well, now that is something that is beyond my reach at the moment), for me. Somehow, there was this feeling that time was running out and I had to say, say it all, and get it all out of my chest.

Despite of all that has happened, despite of the pain in my soul, dreary eyes, may be I should be celebrating, for I did what was most difficult a thing for me to do. May be it was due to my prayers that I was filled with a courage to speak it all out and say it all out. Despite the outcomes, it is the effort that was put into that makes me look back into a year and half of my life and smile, though filled with pain. I could possibly write down everything that has happened during my visits, but somehow it just does not seem right for me to do so. Four days that I spent with her, has filled me with memories for the next forty years of my life.

There are instances when I begin to think that only if my heart had the ability to think and feel lesser than what it does, but again, I think again. If it were so, my mind would begin to feel and with that,I guess, my rationality would go for a toss. There is so much of pain within me at the moment that even if I were to smile, it hurts the most.

In the flight, as I was returning back last night, I began to think. Everything began flashing. All those moments, those thoughts, all that had been done, reminding me of the song 'Everything I do' by Bryan Adams. I for one, imagine the destination where I want to be at, and put every possible effort that I could humanly imagine and do because when I look back, I would not want to be filled a feeling of regret of not having done something. So even this time, it was the same. This reminded me of something that I had read online:

If you hoard love, it melts away. If you lock love, it breaks free. If you grab on to love, you end up holding an illusion. When you let love flower in its own way, it stays to support you. When you pass on love, it multiplies beyond measure.

Was it melting away? Was it trying to break free? Was I holding an illusion? Was i going to support me? Or, had I done enough for it to multiply beyond measure? I for one, do not know the answers for these. However, I know that over all these days months and years, it definitely has grown beyond measures. May be that is the reason why it is so difficult for me to be in these circumstances.

So there I was, in the flight, thinking of one and only one thing. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Only one thing. 'Its going to be really difficult to unimagine what I have always imagined, to go undreamt what I have always dreamed about, to not feel what I have always felt, to not think what I have always thought. God, you have helped me come this far, I have done everything that I could possibly do. I do not know what else needs to be done for I have no clue. Now, its all up to you.'

Four days that I spent with her, has filled me with memories for the next forty years of my life and the words continued to echo in my mind, God - Now, its all up to you.