Oh girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful face,
Be gentle, what you're holding is actually my heart..
The mistress of my eyes, Alone in pristine skies,
How can I tell you what I feel for you?
When I think of you my feelings twist inside.
You're the sun in my sky,
The wind that takes me where I want to go,
The sweet incense that makes me feel so high
That loving you seems all I need to know.
Every day I find I'm thinking of you,
Which makes me hope we walk in the same way.
Some night, perhaps, we'll go hang out somewhere;
I will reach for you, and you'll be there.
My mood is like a cloudy noon
Waiting for the sun,
I fidget in my emptiness,
Not knowing where to run;
The days I spent with you are like a tape;
I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play.
Your eyes won't let my thoughts go back to sleep;
Although I look for you in every doorway.
Life's become too average,
I'm lost in the normality,
Without you by my side, such has become my reality.
No matter what our troubles, I still love you,
As though a part of me were also you.
Life isn't easy, but I know without you
There will be bitterness in all I do.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Movies Music and Emotions
There is a reason we all love movies and there is a reason the movie makers are such a good money makers. Sometimes, there are certain moments in my life, which when happened, I wished some lovely music played in the background, just the way it happens in the movies.
Like for example, when I am angry on someone, or pissed off at someone, I would like the Beethoven music to be playing in the background. While I walk in the dark, when no one is around, I would like for some haunting music to be played, at least that way I would get to know if a ghost really exists in life. And at times, during those instances, the ones that make love overflow in eyes, I wish certain romantic songs played too. Not to forget, during those highly entertaining and joyful periods, I wish Nakka Mukka played automatically too.
Actually, when you think about it, if you happen to notice, almost for all the kind of emotions we could possibly go through, there has been a song made about it. Thanks to India cinema, the music makes the soul rejoice in those moments, be it the loving ones or the dreaded ones, soul kinda resonates to the music. Strange, but true.
Half way through writing this post, I almost forgot the intention of me wanting to write this post. I guess that was the after effect of of listening to the music while I was writing the post. Sometimes, we tend to, actually, all the time, we tend to listen to wild songs when we are wanting to be adventurous, guys like me listen to hard rock music or real heavy metal or super fast dance track numbers from apun ka Bollywood. Now that is exactly the reason I have specific playlists on my ipod. At the start of the day, I listen to fast music, trying to set a pace for the day and as I get back to home, I listen to soothing songs, trying to calm my mechanic mind.
It is just amazing how our mind finds the song to suit our mood. I wish there was a picture on how mind finds the song, I am sure it is that gland that's present in the skull. Few hours back, I was going through some thoughts that kind of made me emotionally unstable, yepp, I was emotionally unstable and all of a sudden, I remembered the song and searched for it in my ipod. Could not find it and I began growing restless. I knew it was there on it. I wondered how come I could not find it. Just to cross check, I checked my mobile and see if it was there on the memory card and to be elated joy, I found it. Five minutes later, I was all relaxed. Now I wish I could say what the song was, but if I did, then there would be no joy.
Not really sure how others are but somehow, I have gotten used to music to calm the storm within me under certain circumstances.
Aah music, you are one of the very vital parts of my existence.
Like for example, when I am angry on someone, or pissed off at someone, I would like the Beethoven music to be playing in the background. While I walk in the dark, when no one is around, I would like for some haunting music to be played, at least that way I would get to know if a ghost really exists in life. And at times, during those instances, the ones that make love overflow in eyes, I wish certain romantic songs played too. Not to forget, during those highly entertaining and joyful periods, I wish Nakka Mukka played automatically too.
Actually, when you think about it, if you happen to notice, almost for all the kind of emotions we could possibly go through, there has been a song made about it. Thanks to India cinema, the music makes the soul rejoice in those moments, be it the loving ones or the dreaded ones, soul kinda resonates to the music. Strange, but true.
Half way through writing this post, I almost forgot the intention of me wanting to write this post. I guess that was the after effect of of listening to the music while I was writing the post. Sometimes, we tend to, actually, all the time, we tend to listen to wild songs when we are wanting to be adventurous, guys like me listen to hard rock music or real heavy metal or super fast dance track numbers from apun ka Bollywood. Now that is exactly the reason I have specific playlists on my ipod. At the start of the day, I listen to fast music, trying to set a pace for the day and as I get back to home, I listen to soothing songs, trying to calm my mechanic mind.
It is just amazing how our mind finds the song to suit our mood. I wish there was a picture on how mind finds the song, I am sure it is that gland that's present in the skull. Few hours back, I was going through some thoughts that kind of made me emotionally unstable, yepp, I was emotionally unstable and all of a sudden, I remembered the song and searched for it in my ipod. Could not find it and I began growing restless. I knew it was there on it. I wondered how come I could not find it. Just to cross check, I checked my mobile and see if it was there on the memory card and to be elated joy, I found it. Five minutes later, I was all relaxed. Now I wish I could say what the song was, but if I did, then there would be no joy.
Not really sure how others are but somehow, I have gotten used to music to calm the storm within me under certain circumstances.
Aah music, you are one of the very vital parts of my existence.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Moments of love
I was standing there. Wind was blowing with a gushing sound in my ears, accompanied by the soothing sound of the waves hitting the shore. It was dark, very dark. All I could see was the moon, the distant moon. I fold my arms, stand firm, trying to hold my ground, and fighting a battle of unspoken kind with the wind. I look into the ocean. There was something in it. The darkness of the ocean at night, with the waves hitting the shore. I continue looking into the ocean. Thoughts come crashing on me. Several of them. I look at the moon. Full moon. It reminded me of something. That thought dug many more, and as I continue to think, a drop rolled out of my eye. Controlling a tempest within, staying calm on the outer surface, heart began pounding. And I continued living in my thoughts.
In that darkness of the ocean, the sky, and few glittering stars and a moon, many flashes occur. Instant flashes. All that has happened in my life that has changed th course of my life, several turning points. As I begin to think about them, I begin to feel lonely. Standing alone in the dark night was never scary but that night, I was lonely.
I remember the moment when I was going to office. I was sitting in the front seat of the office cab, and watched a couple going in front of our vehicle. They were on a two wheeler, I guess they were married. She was sitting at the back, and held on to the arm of her husband. She had an arm to hold onto. He had someone to protect. There was an unspoken but yet a visible bond between both of them. I smiled at them as my cab went pass them, an acknowledgment to a bond that they had and I was yet to have. As I continue to think about that moment, all of a sudden, I think of another thing. A friend of mine loved a girl a lot, and he was upset that she never loved him back the same way as he did. I remembered telling him
"You have to let her be. Even if it hurts. Because, true love hurts. If you love her, you gotta support her no matter what because the strength in your love must overcome your pain. Just like that story of a boy and the caterpillar he raised. When the caterpillar turned into a butterfly and yearned for the world outside, the boy had to let it go despite the pain. Because he knows that if the butterfly truly loves him back, it will surely come back. Love is about forgetting oneself and thinking of that special someone. Wait for her if you still love her. If she does not... then let it be and let time heal the wounds... but always know that forgiveness is the key to healing the scars., "
All of a sudden, if not similar situation, I find myself in that place, where all that I can do is wait. It is great a thing, for it lets me to connect with myself. A year back, I used to smoke a pack of 20 cigarettes in a day and have alcohol every weekend. A year back I was an addict to junk food and was not serious about life. But now, a year later, I have successfully quit smoking, haven't had alcohol for over 6 months and have become serious about my health. This I did, only for her. Some people ridicule me saying how can you do all this, I said, she never asked me to. I did it willingly. It is my way of expressing how important she is to me and what I am willing to do to keep her happy.
It is this thought that reminds me of talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I feel.. To him, I said, " I begin my day looking at her, and wishing and praying that her day goes well and end my day hoping that her had had gone well and she sleeps without a problem. Every time I look at her, I live a lifetime of happiness. Every time I wish and pray for her, I live a lifetime of content. Every time I hope for her, I live a lifetime of smile on my face. I love her just by looking at her. I love her just by looking at her."
Random thoughts continue to pop up, frozen moments begin to melt. Tempests begin within and yet, I remain standing there, looking at the ocean, It is at this time that I remember what I once read, which I felt is the right thing to say..
Because of you
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you."
In that darkness of the ocean, the sky, and few glittering stars and a moon, many flashes occur. Instant flashes. All that has happened in my life that has changed th course of my life, several turning points. As I begin to think about them, I begin to feel lonely. Standing alone in the dark night was never scary but that night, I was lonely.
I remember the moment when I was going to office. I was sitting in the front seat of the office cab, and watched a couple going in front of our vehicle. They were on a two wheeler, I guess they were married. She was sitting at the back, and held on to the arm of her husband. She had an arm to hold onto. He had someone to protect. There was an unspoken but yet a visible bond between both of them. I smiled at them as my cab went pass them, an acknowledgment to a bond that they had and I was yet to have. As I continue to think about that moment, all of a sudden, I think of another thing. A friend of mine loved a girl a lot, and he was upset that she never loved him back the same way as he did. I remembered telling him
"You have to let her be. Even if it hurts. Because, true love hurts. If you love her, you gotta support her no matter what because the strength in your love must overcome your pain. Just like that story of a boy and the caterpillar he raised. When the caterpillar turned into a butterfly and yearned for the world outside, the boy had to let it go despite the pain. Because he knows that if the butterfly truly loves him back, it will surely come back. Love is about forgetting oneself and thinking of that special someone. Wait for her if you still love her. If she does not... then let it be and let time heal the wounds... but always know that forgiveness is the key to healing the scars., "
All of a sudden, if not similar situation, I find myself in that place, where all that I can do is wait. It is great a thing, for it lets me to connect with myself. A year back, I used to smoke a pack of 20 cigarettes in a day and have alcohol every weekend. A year back I was an addict to junk food and was not serious about life. But now, a year later, I have successfully quit smoking, haven't had alcohol for over 6 months and have become serious about my health. This I did, only for her. Some people ridicule me saying how can you do all this, I said, she never asked me to. I did it willingly. It is my way of expressing how important she is to me and what I am willing to do to keep her happy.
It is this thought that reminds me of talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I feel.. To him, I said, " I begin my day looking at her, and wishing and praying that her day goes well and end my day hoping that her had had gone well and she sleeps without a problem. Every time I look at her, I live a lifetime of happiness. Every time I wish and pray for her, I live a lifetime of content. Every time I hope for her, I live a lifetime of smile on my face. I love her just by looking at her. I love her just by looking at her."
Random thoughts continue to pop up, frozen moments begin to melt. Tempests begin within and yet, I remain standing there, looking at the ocean, It is at this time that I remember what I once read, which I felt is the right thing to say..
Because of you
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you."
Monday, 12 April 2010
The 100th post
For a real long time, I have been wondering as to what is it that I should write about to make my one hundredth post as a really memorable one. People often say that everything looks fuzzy when one is in love, but I will definitely differ on that one. Everything is clearer when you are in love. So much so that even dreams that you have dreamed several months back would still be clearer to the most tiniest aspect in it. As a result, I now will write on one such dream, a dream that now has become a kind of ritual, for I continue to dream the same dream more often than usual.
Beautiful white sand and cool turquoise bluish green water, on the shore, on the boundaries of the shore were the lovely trees. Set amidst this were several seats. As my eyes begin grazing all over the place, I see people coming in. I blink again and I now see too many of them. I wonder where I am. I realize, I was at a wedding on a beach. I look at the people closely only to realize that they were all the people I know. I wonder what is happening. As I look to the groom, I see myself standing there. I am surprised. Just plainly and bluntly surprised. I look at myself, wondering if I would look back at myself in return. I blink again and this time, I am now standing there.
I see there, standing and waiting for you. In my crisp suit, with my tie well tied around my neck. I see cough-lings well placed and a good watch. But most importantly, I see myself. Happiness and joy is literally oozing out of my body and love is overflowing in my eyes. I smile endlessly. I look to my left, and to my right, and all those who have been there and have been wishing well for us, are in their respective places.
Just as I see them, I hear your arrival. With eagerness, I look up to the door. I wait. I wait to see you walk towards me. I am waiting eagerly, patience now growing out, heart beating faster than ever. My hand begins to itch for it wants to hold yours. In those few moments, I suddenly dream of you standing next to me and taking the vows, accepting me as yours. Those very moments. Aah the bliss.
While I exit from those instant minute dreams, I see you coming. Radiant, poised, joyful, happy. In your white dress, as white as the morning snow and as pure as the milk, I see the happiness on you and love in your eyes. I see you walking towards me. An event of my life that I have waited for a real long time. I see you, so close and yet so far and with each step towards me, you come so nearer and nearer. As you came closer, I began looking at your bridal wear. I had always heard that the rhinestones on a wedding dress makes it look heavenly and gives the angel feel. I could not agree more to it when I saw you walking with the same. The dress looked extremely beautiful with the fabric and the embroidery stunningly unfathomable. The bodice covered with the rhinestone embroidery and also the gold just added to the visual extravaganza. The tiara on you was just made for you.
The more closer you come to me, the more clearer you become. The more closer you come to me, the more brightness you begin to shower upon me. The more closer you come to me, the more happier I am getting to be. The more closer you come to me, I began counting the little steps you took towards me. My heart began pounding, faster and faster. Surprisingly, when she stood next to me, the pounding heart slowly began calming down. In an instant, it now began pounding in rejoice. I looked at her, straight into her eyes. Her smile just made me smile, and I said to her "Between us, we will always share and have a love that is more than love." We both continued to share that glance with a joyful smile.
As I blinked, I woke up, with a smile on my face, and your smile glittering in my eyes. For now, I have lost the count as to how many times I have seen this, but each time, it starts the same way and I wake up the same manner.
Beautiful white sand and cool turquoise bluish green water, on the shore, on the boundaries of the shore were the lovely trees. Set amidst this were several seats. As my eyes begin grazing all over the place, I see people coming in. I blink again and I now see too many of them. I wonder where I am. I realize, I was at a wedding on a beach. I look at the people closely only to realize that they were all the people I know. I wonder what is happening. As I look to the groom, I see myself standing there. I am surprised. Just plainly and bluntly surprised. I look at myself, wondering if I would look back at myself in return. I blink again and this time, I am now standing there.
I see there, standing and waiting for you. In my crisp suit, with my tie well tied around my neck. I see cough-lings well placed and a good watch. But most importantly, I see myself. Happiness and joy is literally oozing out of my body and love is overflowing in my eyes. I smile endlessly. I look to my left, and to my right, and all those who have been there and have been wishing well for us, are in their respective places.
Just as I see them, I hear your arrival. With eagerness, I look up to the door. I wait. I wait to see you walk towards me. I am waiting eagerly, patience now growing out, heart beating faster than ever. My hand begins to itch for it wants to hold yours. In those few moments, I suddenly dream of you standing next to me and taking the vows, accepting me as yours. Those very moments. Aah the bliss.
While I exit from those instant minute dreams, I see you coming. Radiant, poised, joyful, happy. In your white dress, as white as the morning snow and as pure as the milk, I see the happiness on you and love in your eyes. I see you walking towards me. An event of my life that I have waited for a real long time. I see you, so close and yet so far and with each step towards me, you come so nearer and nearer. As you came closer, I began looking at your bridal wear. I had always heard that the rhinestones on a wedding dress makes it look heavenly and gives the angel feel. I could not agree more to it when I saw you walking with the same. The dress looked extremely beautiful with the fabric and the embroidery stunningly unfathomable. The bodice covered with the rhinestone embroidery and also the gold just added to the visual extravaganza. The tiara on you was just made for you.
The more closer you come to me, the more clearer you become. The more closer you come to me, the more brightness you begin to shower upon me. The more closer you come to me, the more happier I am getting to be. The more closer you come to me, I began counting the little steps you took towards me. My heart began pounding, faster and faster. Surprisingly, when she stood next to me, the pounding heart slowly began calming down. In an instant, it now began pounding in rejoice. I looked at her, straight into her eyes. Her smile just made me smile, and I said to her "Between us, we will always share and have a love that is more than love." We both continued to share that glance with a joyful smile.
As I blinked, I woke up, with a smile on my face, and your smile glittering in my eyes. For now, I have lost the count as to how many times I have seen this, but each time, it starts the same way and I wake up the same manner.
Monday, 18 January 2010
There will be a time..
My friend called me up and said the following:
" It was magical moment. Seeing her, after having longed to see her for such a long time, was just so magical.
We spoke for a long time, and all the while, we did not speak of what we were required to speak. Somehow, I could just not bring the topic up. I do know that she and I had to talk about it, but knowing what she is going through and what are happening with her at her end, it made me think that me, expressing my feelings or talking about all that I wanted to let her know was just not the right thing to do. As much as I really wanted to talk, which by the way was the thing I had been waiting for a real long time, at that moment, her comfort was prioritized in me. I dont quite know how to say how I feel anymore. Sometimes, its all just not enough.
To not have had a conversation which I probably had a million times in my mind is something that will cause great tempests within me for a long time. I dont like to lie or for that matter pretend. I will be honest. When I wrote the letter to her, I wanted her to know how I felt and wanted to be honest and did not want to be a hypocrite. Over the waiting time so far, there has been, unknowing to me, a feeling of expectation that has grown within me and to combat that, is perhaps the difficult thing I have ever done. Sometimes, certain magical moments are enough to extinguish such expectations, and that is what happened. Yes, I will wait, as long as it takes, but will never force her for anything. That is not me. You know it too. I know how much difficult it is going to be for me, to live a life daily, not knowing when I would see her again. That parting moment, when she began walking away (the most painful moment I have ever lived), I wished time stood still. Man, I never wished that before.
I am neither going to be pessimistic nor going to be optimistic about this. I will just continue to by myself, the way I have always been to her. At the moment, I am not really worried about how things will be at my end, however, I am hoping/wishing/praying that things at her end begin to sort out. Recent times have been real taxing on her and I am worried that she is covered up with things this way. "
All I could reply to him was "I know how that feels."
There are times when all that we can really do is just watch things unfold. There is nothing much we can really do, for all that we could have done, was already done and for all that we would want to do, we will have to wait for the next chance. Its these moments that will always makes me tell myself that someday, it will all be sorted out and eventually, there will be a time that will be mine.
" It was magical moment. Seeing her, after having longed to see her for such a long time, was just so magical.
We spoke for a long time, and all the while, we did not speak of what we were required to speak. Somehow, I could just not bring the topic up. I do know that she and I had to talk about it, but knowing what she is going through and what are happening with her at her end, it made me think that me, expressing my feelings or talking about all that I wanted to let her know was just not the right thing to do. As much as I really wanted to talk, which by the way was the thing I had been waiting for a real long time, at that moment, her comfort was prioritized in me. I dont quite know how to say how I feel anymore. Sometimes, its all just not enough.
To not have had a conversation which I probably had a million times in my mind is something that will cause great tempests within me for a long time. I dont like to lie or for that matter pretend. I will be honest. When I wrote the letter to her, I wanted her to know how I felt and wanted to be honest and did not want to be a hypocrite. Over the waiting time so far, there has been, unknowing to me, a feeling of expectation that has grown within me and to combat that, is perhaps the difficult thing I have ever done. Sometimes, certain magical moments are enough to extinguish such expectations, and that is what happened. Yes, I will wait, as long as it takes, but will never force her for anything. That is not me. You know it too. I know how much difficult it is going to be for me, to live a life daily, not knowing when I would see her again. That parting moment, when she began walking away (the most painful moment I have ever lived), I wished time stood still. Man, I never wished that before.
I am neither going to be pessimistic nor going to be optimistic about this. I will just continue to by myself, the way I have always been to her. At the moment, I am not really worried about how things will be at my end, however, I am hoping/wishing/praying that things at her end begin to sort out. Recent times have been real taxing on her and I am worried that she is covered up with things this way. "
All I could reply to him was "I know how that feels."
There are times when all that we can really do is just watch things unfold. There is nothing much we can really do, for all that we could have done, was already done and for all that we would want to do, we will have to wait for the next chance. Its these moments that will always makes me tell myself that someday, it will all be sorted out and eventually, there will be a time that will be mine.
The run
There are times when we often tend look back to the lives we have lived and smile, and at times, we also tend to have those few moments when we have tears in our eyes while we think of memories.
My memories took me over 12 years back. It was the time in school, late school days actually. My brother and I were living as 'paying guests' at the principal's home. He had a two daughters and a son. The son was youngest. His name was Kiran. He was around seven years elder to me. He took care of us, ensured we all did our scheduled work, taught us many things, from cycling, to chasing our dreams, most importantly, being what we truly were. He taught us how to iron clothes, how to wash clothes, sweep and mop the floor, in short, he taught us how to be independent. So while I began recollecting all the time spent, I remembered him saying the most important thing that literally changed the way I looked and perceived things. One fine day, when we were having a casual conversation, he told us, "No matter what happens tomorrow to you all, you will know one thing for sure. School days are the best days in our life. So enjoy them to the maximum. Just let yourself free and make so many memories that no matter how much you speak of them, you will never run out of them. Just enjoy these days for they will never come back."
Those words still resonate in my ears and my mind and to this day, I still miss my school days. I participated in sports, extra curricular activities like singing, painting, knitting, extempore speeches, debates, writing, dancing and everything that I could possibly involve myself in. The only thing I had in my my mind back then was to participate in as many events as possible and enjoy as much as possible. The certificates just kept flowing in, never really bothered.
I remember one particular instance, which to this day, fills me with confidence. It was in 1998. We had to participate in Taluk level sports held at Nehru Stadium in Hubli. My sports teacher had enrolled me for 1500 mts running. I was excited, little did I know what was in store.
When the gun was fired, while everyone began running, I would rather say they began jogging, I ran as fast as I could. They all were jogging. I finished first round of the stadium, it was of 400 mts. I began feeling tired. My pace reduced and it kept reducing further down. When I was about to finish the second round, all the guys began over taking me. The more faster I tried to run, the more tired I became. I began sweating, panicking and my heart began throbbing. Somehow, I managed to finish the second round. While I began running for the third round, all of them had finished the third round and were going for the closure. I finished third round and all had finished the race. I still had 300 mts to run. My steps had become very small and my pace had become very slow. It was more like a walk than a run.
I began looking at the people sitting in the stands. They were screaming at me to stop running and walk out of the track. One coach did come to me and said 'Mithun, you can stop now. All have stopped running." I looked at him and smiled, and said "I will finish this, for I started it and I want to finish it." Everyone began laughing at me, some threw bottles at me too. All I could think of was to reach that finishing line. At that moment, I was tired. Real tired, dehydrated, legs feeling a lot heavier and body even more heavier. But, somehow, I was filled with an energy, to cross the finish line. My steps began to grow and my pace began to increase. I had slowly begun running from almost walking. I ran. I ran. I just ran. When I crossed the finish line, I was more happy that I could have been had I won the race.
While there still was a thought in my mind what people laughed at me and will continue to ridicule me, little did I know what was to happen. All the coaches of various schools, all the judges, took me as an example to tell them all, I mean all of them who were there at that moment, that no matter how tired you were, how people reacted to you, or how much fun they made of you, never stop what you have set yourself for. You might reach there later than all, but nevertheless, you will reach. That is a sign of a winner. Many people came and wished me congratulations for completing the race. My perception of races in life was changed at that moment. I went to sit with my friends from school and random boys and girls walked to me and said "Hey you are the same guy who struggled to finish but nevertheless finished the race right?", to which I smiled and said "Yes, its me.". This was usually followed by them saying "On the entire track, you were the only one running and everyone waited for you to finish. It is something we never get to see." I just smiled.
So there I was, a changed man, with a new view about challenges that life throws at us. I might not find a solution to a problem now, I might not find an answer to a question now, however, in the long run, I always will. I realized that life was not a 100mts race. It was more like a marathon. Those who begin fast, run fast at the beginning, never usually complete the race. Most of them give up. Many do. But those who plan their run, run slow at the start, increase the pace and finish it off in style. However, there are others, like me, the ones who begin faster, get tired, battle emotions of giving up, and yet, overcome fear with the courage to finish and cross the line, those who triumph over all odds, for somehow, it is these unforeseen struggles, which when overcome, makes the run memorable.
My memories took me over 12 years back. It was the time in school, late school days actually. My brother and I were living as 'paying guests' at the principal's home. He had a two daughters and a son. The son was youngest. His name was Kiran. He was around seven years elder to me. He took care of us, ensured we all did our scheduled work, taught us many things, from cycling, to chasing our dreams, most importantly, being what we truly were. He taught us how to iron clothes, how to wash clothes, sweep and mop the floor, in short, he taught us how to be independent. So while I began recollecting all the time spent, I remembered him saying the most important thing that literally changed the way I looked and perceived things. One fine day, when we were having a casual conversation, he told us, "No matter what happens tomorrow to you all, you will know one thing for sure. School days are the best days in our life. So enjoy them to the maximum. Just let yourself free and make so many memories that no matter how much you speak of them, you will never run out of them. Just enjoy these days for they will never come back."
Those words still resonate in my ears and my mind and to this day, I still miss my school days. I participated in sports, extra curricular activities like singing, painting, knitting, extempore speeches, debates, writing, dancing and everything that I could possibly involve myself in. The only thing I had in my my mind back then was to participate in as many events as possible and enjoy as much as possible. The certificates just kept flowing in, never really bothered.
I remember one particular instance, which to this day, fills me with confidence. It was in 1998. We had to participate in Taluk level sports held at Nehru Stadium in Hubli. My sports teacher had enrolled me for 1500 mts running. I was excited, little did I know what was in store.
When the gun was fired, while everyone began running, I would rather say they began jogging, I ran as fast as I could. They all were jogging. I finished first round of the stadium, it was of 400 mts. I began feeling tired. My pace reduced and it kept reducing further down. When I was about to finish the second round, all the guys began over taking me. The more faster I tried to run, the more tired I became. I began sweating, panicking and my heart began throbbing. Somehow, I managed to finish the second round. While I began running for the third round, all of them had finished the third round and were going for the closure. I finished third round and all had finished the race. I still had 300 mts to run. My steps had become very small and my pace had become very slow. It was more like a walk than a run.
I began looking at the people sitting in the stands. They were screaming at me to stop running and walk out of the track. One coach did come to me and said 'Mithun, you can stop now. All have stopped running." I looked at him and smiled, and said "I will finish this, for I started it and I want to finish it." Everyone began laughing at me, some threw bottles at me too. All I could think of was to reach that finishing line. At that moment, I was tired. Real tired, dehydrated, legs feeling a lot heavier and body even more heavier. But, somehow, I was filled with an energy, to cross the finish line. My steps began to grow and my pace began to increase. I had slowly begun running from almost walking. I ran. I ran. I just ran. When I crossed the finish line, I was more happy that I could have been had I won the race.
While there still was a thought in my mind what people laughed at me and will continue to ridicule me, little did I know what was to happen. All the coaches of various schools, all the judges, took me as an example to tell them all, I mean all of them who were there at that moment, that no matter how tired you were, how people reacted to you, or how much fun they made of you, never stop what you have set yourself for. You might reach there later than all, but nevertheless, you will reach. That is a sign of a winner. Many people came and wished me congratulations for completing the race. My perception of races in life was changed at that moment. I went to sit with my friends from school and random boys and girls walked to me and said "Hey you are the same guy who struggled to finish but nevertheless finished the race right?", to which I smiled and said "Yes, its me.". This was usually followed by them saying "On the entire track, you were the only one running and everyone waited for you to finish. It is something we never get to see." I just smiled.
So there I was, a changed man, with a new view about challenges that life throws at us. I might not find a solution to a problem now, I might not find an answer to a question now, however, in the long run, I always will. I realized that life was not a 100mts race. It was more like a marathon. Those who begin fast, run fast at the beginning, never usually complete the race. Most of them give up. Many do. But those who plan their run, run slow at the start, increase the pace and finish it off in style. However, there are others, like me, the ones who begin faster, get tired, battle emotions of giving up, and yet, overcome fear with the courage to finish and cross the line, those who triumph over all odds, for somehow, it is these unforeseen struggles, which when overcome, makes the run memorable.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
I still am patient, and will continue to be..
During exams in my childhood days, I used to have a problem. I always wrote at a great speed. However, my mind generated answer at a faster pace than what I wrote. If I was supposed to write "The scenery is so serene that no matter how long you stay, you will be calm and never will you panic", I would end up writing it as "the scenery is so serene that no you will panic". I used to strike it and begin writing all over again. This usually occurred every time I was anxious or under pressure or some sort of restlessness. But imagine how it is when one is anxious, under pressure and restless at the same time? Now that is precisely what I am going through.
The last seventy two hours have been the slowest, with every minute increasing my heart rate. No matter how much I try to divert my mind, or try to calm myself down, somehow, like a wave, I get pulled back to the shore or restlessness. For long I have walked on this shore, with waves of anxiousness ebbing my feet.
Sometimes, all that you need is right in front of you and yet, there is nothing that you could really do. Sometimes, you would have done everything and anything that is follow would be totally dependent on the other person and therefore, time stands still at your end. Right now, that is how things are at my end.
Though there might be several tempests that rise within me, though there might be shattering storms that rattle my soul in me, I will still continue to be patient, maintain calm on the surface.
The last seventy two hours have been the slowest, with every minute increasing my heart rate. No matter how much I try to divert my mind, or try to calm myself down, somehow, like a wave, I get pulled back to the shore or restlessness. For long I have walked on this shore, with waves of anxiousness ebbing my feet.
Sometimes, all that you need is right in front of you and yet, there is nothing that you could really do. Sometimes, you would have done everything and anything that is follow would be totally dependent on the other person and therefore, time stands still at your end. Right now, that is how things are at my end.
Though there might be several tempests that rise within me, though there might be shattering storms that rattle my soul in me, I will still continue to be patient, maintain calm on the surface.
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