I was standing there. Wind was blowing with a gushing sound in my ears, accompanied by the soothing sound of the waves hitting the shore. It was dark, very dark. All I could see was the moon, the distant moon. I fold my arms, stand firm, trying to hold my ground, and fighting a battle of unspoken kind with the wind. I look into the ocean. There was something in it. The darkness of the ocean at night, with the waves hitting the shore. I continue looking into the ocean. Thoughts come crashing on me. Several of them. I look at the moon. Full moon. It reminded me of something. That thought dug many more, and as I continue to think, a drop rolled out of my eye. Controlling a tempest within, staying calm on the outer surface, heart began pounding. And I continued living in my thoughts.
In that darkness of the ocean, the sky, and few glittering stars and a moon, many flashes occur. Instant flashes. All that has happened in my life that has changed th course of my life, several turning points. As I begin to think about them, I begin to feel lonely. Standing alone in the dark night was never scary but that night, I was lonely.
I remember the moment when I was going to office. I was sitting in the front seat of the office cab, and watched a couple going in front of our vehicle. They were on a two wheeler, I guess they were married. She was sitting at the back, and held on to the arm of her husband. She had an arm to hold onto. He had someone to protect. There was an unspoken but yet a visible bond between both of them. I smiled at them as my cab went pass them, an acknowledgment to a bond that they had and I was yet to have. As I continue to think about that moment, all of a sudden, I think of another thing. A friend of mine loved a girl a lot, and he was upset that she never loved him back the same way as he did. I remembered telling him
"You have to let her be. Even if it hurts. Because, true love hurts. If you love her, you gotta support her no matter what because the strength in your love must overcome your pain. Just like that story of a boy and the caterpillar he raised. When the caterpillar turned into a butterfly and yearned for the world outside, the boy had to let it go despite the pain. Because he knows that if the butterfly truly loves him back, it will surely come back. Love is about forgetting oneself and thinking of that special someone. Wait for her if you still love her. If she does not... then let it be and let time heal the wounds... but always know that forgiveness is the key to healing the scars., "
All of a sudden, if not similar situation, I find myself in that place, where all that I can do is wait. It is great a thing, for it lets me to connect with myself. A year back, I used to smoke a pack of 20 cigarettes in a day and have alcohol every weekend. A year back I was an addict to junk food and was not serious about life. But now, a year later, I have successfully quit smoking, haven't had alcohol for over 6 months and have become serious about my health. This I did, only for her. Some people ridicule me saying how can you do all this, I said, she never asked me to. I did it willingly. It is my way of expressing how important she is to me and what I am willing to do to keep her happy.
It is this thought that reminds me of talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I feel.. To him, I said, " I begin my day looking at her, and wishing and praying that her day goes well and end my day hoping that her had had gone well and she sleeps without a problem. Every time I look at her, I live a lifetime of happiness. Every time I wish and pray for her, I live a lifetime of content. Every time I hope for her, I live a lifetime of smile on my face. I love her just by looking at her. I love her just by looking at her."
Random thoughts continue to pop up, frozen moments begin to melt. Tempests begin within and yet, I remain standing there, looking at the ocean, It is at this time that I remember what I once read, which I felt is the right thing to say..
Because of you
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you."
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Monday, 12 April 2010
The 100th post
For a real long time, I have been wondering as to what is it that I should write about to make my one hundredth post as a really memorable one. People often say that everything looks fuzzy when one is in love, but I will definitely differ on that one. Everything is clearer when you are in love. So much so that even dreams that you have dreamed several months back would still be clearer to the most tiniest aspect in it. As a result, I now will write on one such dream, a dream that now has become a kind of ritual, for I continue to dream the same dream more often than usual.
Beautiful white sand and cool turquoise bluish green water, on the shore, on the boundaries of the shore were the lovely trees. Set amidst this were several seats. As my eyes begin grazing all over the place, I see people coming in. I blink again and I now see too many of them. I wonder where I am. I realize, I was at a wedding on a beach. I look at the people closely only to realize that they were all the people I know. I wonder what is happening. As I look to the groom, I see myself standing there. I am surprised. Just plainly and bluntly surprised. I look at myself, wondering if I would look back at myself in return. I blink again and this time, I am now standing there.
I see there, standing and waiting for you. In my crisp suit, with my tie well tied around my neck. I see cough-lings well placed and a good watch. But most importantly, I see myself. Happiness and joy is literally oozing out of my body and love is overflowing in my eyes. I smile endlessly. I look to my left, and to my right, and all those who have been there and have been wishing well for us, are in their respective places.
Just as I see them, I hear your arrival. With eagerness, I look up to the door. I wait. I wait to see you walk towards me. I am waiting eagerly, patience now growing out, heart beating faster than ever. My hand begins to itch for it wants to hold yours. In those few moments, I suddenly dream of you standing next to me and taking the vows, accepting me as yours. Those very moments. Aah the bliss.
While I exit from those instant minute dreams, I see you coming. Radiant, poised, joyful, happy. In your white dress, as white as the morning snow and as pure as the milk, I see the happiness on you and love in your eyes. I see you walking towards me. An event of my life that I have waited for a real long time. I see you, so close and yet so far and with each step towards me, you come so nearer and nearer. As you came closer, I began looking at your bridal wear. I had always heard that the rhinestones on a wedding dress makes it look heavenly and gives the angel feel. I could not agree more to it when I saw you walking with the same. The dress looked extremely beautiful with the fabric and the embroidery stunningly unfathomable. The bodice covered with the rhinestone embroidery and also the gold just added to the visual extravaganza. The tiara on you was just made for you.
The more closer you come to me, the more clearer you become. The more closer you come to me, the more brightness you begin to shower upon me. The more closer you come to me, the more happier I am getting to be. The more closer you come to me, I began counting the little steps you took towards me. My heart began pounding, faster and faster. Surprisingly, when she stood next to me, the pounding heart slowly began calming down. In an instant, it now began pounding in rejoice. I looked at her, straight into her eyes. Her smile just made me smile, and I said to her "Between us, we will always share and have a love that is more than love." We both continued to share that glance with a joyful smile.
As I blinked, I woke up, with a smile on my face, and your smile glittering in my eyes. For now, I have lost the count as to how many times I have seen this, but each time, it starts the same way and I wake up the same manner.
Beautiful white sand and cool turquoise bluish green water, on the shore, on the boundaries of the shore were the lovely trees. Set amidst this were several seats. As my eyes begin grazing all over the place, I see people coming in. I blink again and I now see too many of them. I wonder where I am. I realize, I was at a wedding on a beach. I look at the people closely only to realize that they were all the people I know. I wonder what is happening. As I look to the groom, I see myself standing there. I am surprised. Just plainly and bluntly surprised. I look at myself, wondering if I would look back at myself in return. I blink again and this time, I am now standing there.
I see there, standing and waiting for you. In my crisp suit, with my tie well tied around my neck. I see cough-lings well placed and a good watch. But most importantly, I see myself. Happiness and joy is literally oozing out of my body and love is overflowing in my eyes. I smile endlessly. I look to my left, and to my right, and all those who have been there and have been wishing well for us, are in their respective places.
Just as I see them, I hear your arrival. With eagerness, I look up to the door. I wait. I wait to see you walk towards me. I am waiting eagerly, patience now growing out, heart beating faster than ever. My hand begins to itch for it wants to hold yours. In those few moments, I suddenly dream of you standing next to me and taking the vows, accepting me as yours. Those very moments. Aah the bliss.
While I exit from those instant minute dreams, I see you coming. Radiant, poised, joyful, happy. In your white dress, as white as the morning snow and as pure as the milk, I see the happiness on you and love in your eyes. I see you walking towards me. An event of my life that I have waited for a real long time. I see you, so close and yet so far and with each step towards me, you come so nearer and nearer. As you came closer, I began looking at your bridal wear. I had always heard that the rhinestones on a wedding dress makes it look heavenly and gives the angel feel. I could not agree more to it when I saw you walking with the same. The dress looked extremely beautiful with the fabric and the embroidery stunningly unfathomable. The bodice covered with the rhinestone embroidery and also the gold just added to the visual extravaganza. The tiara on you was just made for you.
The more closer you come to me, the more clearer you become. The more closer you come to me, the more brightness you begin to shower upon me. The more closer you come to me, the more happier I am getting to be. The more closer you come to me, I began counting the little steps you took towards me. My heart began pounding, faster and faster. Surprisingly, when she stood next to me, the pounding heart slowly began calming down. In an instant, it now began pounding in rejoice. I looked at her, straight into her eyes. Her smile just made me smile, and I said to her "Between us, we will always share and have a love that is more than love." We both continued to share that glance with a joyful smile.
As I blinked, I woke up, with a smile on my face, and your smile glittering in my eyes. For now, I have lost the count as to how many times I have seen this, but each time, it starts the same way and I wake up the same manner.
Monday, 18 January 2010
There will be a time..
My friend called me up and said the following:
" It was magical moment. Seeing her, after having longed to see her for such a long time, was just so magical.
We spoke for a long time, and all the while, we did not speak of what we were required to speak. Somehow, I could just not bring the topic up. I do know that she and I had to talk about it, but knowing what she is going through and what are happening with her at her end, it made me think that me, expressing my feelings or talking about all that I wanted to let her know was just not the right thing to do. As much as I really wanted to talk, which by the way was the thing I had been waiting for a real long time, at that moment, her comfort was prioritized in me. I dont quite know how to say how I feel anymore. Sometimes, its all just not enough.
To not have had a conversation which I probably had a million times in my mind is something that will cause great tempests within me for a long time. I dont like to lie or for that matter pretend. I will be honest. When I wrote the letter to her, I wanted her to know how I felt and wanted to be honest and did not want to be a hypocrite. Over the waiting time so far, there has been, unknowing to me, a feeling of expectation that has grown within me and to combat that, is perhaps the difficult thing I have ever done. Sometimes, certain magical moments are enough to extinguish such expectations, and that is what happened. Yes, I will wait, as long as it takes, but will never force her for anything. That is not me. You know it too. I know how much difficult it is going to be for me, to live a life daily, not knowing when I would see her again. That parting moment, when she began walking away (the most painful moment I have ever lived), I wished time stood still. Man, I never wished that before.
I am neither going to be pessimistic nor going to be optimistic about this. I will just continue to by myself, the way I have always been to her. At the moment, I am not really worried about how things will be at my end, however, I am hoping/wishing/praying that things at her end begin to sort out. Recent times have been real taxing on her and I am worried that she is covered up with things this way. "
All I could reply to him was "I know how that feels."
There are times when all that we can really do is just watch things unfold. There is nothing much we can really do, for all that we could have done, was already done and for all that we would want to do, we will have to wait for the next chance. Its these moments that will always makes me tell myself that someday, it will all be sorted out and eventually, there will be a time that will be mine.
" It was magical moment. Seeing her, after having longed to see her for such a long time, was just so magical.
We spoke for a long time, and all the while, we did not speak of what we were required to speak. Somehow, I could just not bring the topic up. I do know that she and I had to talk about it, but knowing what she is going through and what are happening with her at her end, it made me think that me, expressing my feelings or talking about all that I wanted to let her know was just not the right thing to do. As much as I really wanted to talk, which by the way was the thing I had been waiting for a real long time, at that moment, her comfort was prioritized in me. I dont quite know how to say how I feel anymore. Sometimes, its all just not enough.
To not have had a conversation which I probably had a million times in my mind is something that will cause great tempests within me for a long time. I dont like to lie or for that matter pretend. I will be honest. When I wrote the letter to her, I wanted her to know how I felt and wanted to be honest and did not want to be a hypocrite. Over the waiting time so far, there has been, unknowing to me, a feeling of expectation that has grown within me and to combat that, is perhaps the difficult thing I have ever done. Sometimes, certain magical moments are enough to extinguish such expectations, and that is what happened. Yes, I will wait, as long as it takes, but will never force her for anything. That is not me. You know it too. I know how much difficult it is going to be for me, to live a life daily, not knowing when I would see her again. That parting moment, when she began walking away (the most painful moment I have ever lived), I wished time stood still. Man, I never wished that before.
I am neither going to be pessimistic nor going to be optimistic about this. I will just continue to by myself, the way I have always been to her. At the moment, I am not really worried about how things will be at my end, however, I am hoping/wishing/praying that things at her end begin to sort out. Recent times have been real taxing on her and I am worried that she is covered up with things this way. "
All I could reply to him was "I know how that feels."
There are times when all that we can really do is just watch things unfold. There is nothing much we can really do, for all that we could have done, was already done and for all that we would want to do, we will have to wait for the next chance. Its these moments that will always makes me tell myself that someday, it will all be sorted out and eventually, there will be a time that will be mine.
The run
There are times when we often tend look back to the lives we have lived and smile, and at times, we also tend to have those few moments when we have tears in our eyes while we think of memories.
My memories took me over 12 years back. It was the time in school, late school days actually. My brother and I were living as 'paying guests' at the principal's home. He had a two daughters and a son. The son was youngest. His name was Kiran. He was around seven years elder to me. He took care of us, ensured we all did our scheduled work, taught us many things, from cycling, to chasing our dreams, most importantly, being what we truly were. He taught us how to iron clothes, how to wash clothes, sweep and mop the floor, in short, he taught us how to be independent. So while I began recollecting all the time spent, I remembered him saying the most important thing that literally changed the way I looked and perceived things. One fine day, when we were having a casual conversation, he told us, "No matter what happens tomorrow to you all, you will know one thing for sure. School days are the best days in our life. So enjoy them to the maximum. Just let yourself free and make so many memories that no matter how much you speak of them, you will never run out of them. Just enjoy these days for they will never come back."
Those words still resonate in my ears and my mind and to this day, I still miss my school days. I participated in sports, extra curricular activities like singing, painting, knitting, extempore speeches, debates, writing, dancing and everything that I could possibly involve myself in. The only thing I had in my my mind back then was to participate in as many events as possible and enjoy as much as possible. The certificates just kept flowing in, never really bothered.
I remember one particular instance, which to this day, fills me with confidence. It was in 1998. We had to participate in Taluk level sports held at Nehru Stadium in Hubli. My sports teacher had enrolled me for 1500 mts running. I was excited, little did I know what was in store.
When the gun was fired, while everyone began running, I would rather say they began jogging, I ran as fast as I could. They all were jogging. I finished first round of the stadium, it was of 400 mts. I began feeling tired. My pace reduced and it kept reducing further down. When I was about to finish the second round, all the guys began over taking me. The more faster I tried to run, the more tired I became. I began sweating, panicking and my heart began throbbing. Somehow, I managed to finish the second round. While I began running for the third round, all of them had finished the third round and were going for the closure. I finished third round and all had finished the race. I still had 300 mts to run. My steps had become very small and my pace had become very slow. It was more like a walk than a run.
I began looking at the people sitting in the stands. They were screaming at me to stop running and walk out of the track. One coach did come to me and said 'Mithun, you can stop now. All have stopped running." I looked at him and smiled, and said "I will finish this, for I started it and I want to finish it." Everyone began laughing at me, some threw bottles at me too. All I could think of was to reach that finishing line. At that moment, I was tired. Real tired, dehydrated, legs feeling a lot heavier and body even more heavier. But, somehow, I was filled with an energy, to cross the finish line. My steps began to grow and my pace began to increase. I had slowly begun running from almost walking. I ran. I ran. I just ran. When I crossed the finish line, I was more happy that I could have been had I won the race.
While there still was a thought in my mind what people laughed at me and will continue to ridicule me, little did I know what was to happen. All the coaches of various schools, all the judges, took me as an example to tell them all, I mean all of them who were there at that moment, that no matter how tired you were, how people reacted to you, or how much fun they made of you, never stop what you have set yourself for. You might reach there later than all, but nevertheless, you will reach. That is a sign of a winner. Many people came and wished me congratulations for completing the race. My perception of races in life was changed at that moment. I went to sit with my friends from school and random boys and girls walked to me and said "Hey you are the same guy who struggled to finish but nevertheless finished the race right?", to which I smiled and said "Yes, its me.". This was usually followed by them saying "On the entire track, you were the only one running and everyone waited for you to finish. It is something we never get to see." I just smiled.
So there I was, a changed man, with a new view about challenges that life throws at us. I might not find a solution to a problem now, I might not find an answer to a question now, however, in the long run, I always will. I realized that life was not a 100mts race. It was more like a marathon. Those who begin fast, run fast at the beginning, never usually complete the race. Most of them give up. Many do. But those who plan their run, run slow at the start, increase the pace and finish it off in style. However, there are others, like me, the ones who begin faster, get tired, battle emotions of giving up, and yet, overcome fear with the courage to finish and cross the line, those who triumph over all odds, for somehow, it is these unforeseen struggles, which when overcome, makes the run memorable.
My memories took me over 12 years back. It was the time in school, late school days actually. My brother and I were living as 'paying guests' at the principal's home. He had a two daughters and a son. The son was youngest. His name was Kiran. He was around seven years elder to me. He took care of us, ensured we all did our scheduled work, taught us many things, from cycling, to chasing our dreams, most importantly, being what we truly were. He taught us how to iron clothes, how to wash clothes, sweep and mop the floor, in short, he taught us how to be independent. So while I began recollecting all the time spent, I remembered him saying the most important thing that literally changed the way I looked and perceived things. One fine day, when we were having a casual conversation, he told us, "No matter what happens tomorrow to you all, you will know one thing for sure. School days are the best days in our life. So enjoy them to the maximum. Just let yourself free and make so many memories that no matter how much you speak of them, you will never run out of them. Just enjoy these days for they will never come back."
Those words still resonate in my ears and my mind and to this day, I still miss my school days. I participated in sports, extra curricular activities like singing, painting, knitting, extempore speeches, debates, writing, dancing and everything that I could possibly involve myself in. The only thing I had in my my mind back then was to participate in as many events as possible and enjoy as much as possible. The certificates just kept flowing in, never really bothered.
I remember one particular instance, which to this day, fills me with confidence. It was in 1998. We had to participate in Taluk level sports held at Nehru Stadium in Hubli. My sports teacher had enrolled me for 1500 mts running. I was excited, little did I know what was in store.
When the gun was fired, while everyone began running, I would rather say they began jogging, I ran as fast as I could. They all were jogging. I finished first round of the stadium, it was of 400 mts. I began feeling tired. My pace reduced and it kept reducing further down. When I was about to finish the second round, all the guys began over taking me. The more faster I tried to run, the more tired I became. I began sweating, panicking and my heart began throbbing. Somehow, I managed to finish the second round. While I began running for the third round, all of them had finished the third round and were going for the closure. I finished third round and all had finished the race. I still had 300 mts to run. My steps had become very small and my pace had become very slow. It was more like a walk than a run.
I began looking at the people sitting in the stands. They were screaming at me to stop running and walk out of the track. One coach did come to me and said 'Mithun, you can stop now. All have stopped running." I looked at him and smiled, and said "I will finish this, for I started it and I want to finish it." Everyone began laughing at me, some threw bottles at me too. All I could think of was to reach that finishing line. At that moment, I was tired. Real tired, dehydrated, legs feeling a lot heavier and body even more heavier. But, somehow, I was filled with an energy, to cross the finish line. My steps began to grow and my pace began to increase. I had slowly begun running from almost walking. I ran. I ran. I just ran. When I crossed the finish line, I was more happy that I could have been had I won the race.
While there still was a thought in my mind what people laughed at me and will continue to ridicule me, little did I know what was to happen. All the coaches of various schools, all the judges, took me as an example to tell them all, I mean all of them who were there at that moment, that no matter how tired you were, how people reacted to you, or how much fun they made of you, never stop what you have set yourself for. You might reach there later than all, but nevertheless, you will reach. That is a sign of a winner. Many people came and wished me congratulations for completing the race. My perception of races in life was changed at that moment. I went to sit with my friends from school and random boys and girls walked to me and said "Hey you are the same guy who struggled to finish but nevertheless finished the race right?", to which I smiled and said "Yes, its me.". This was usually followed by them saying "On the entire track, you were the only one running and everyone waited for you to finish. It is something we never get to see." I just smiled.
So there I was, a changed man, with a new view about challenges that life throws at us. I might not find a solution to a problem now, I might not find an answer to a question now, however, in the long run, I always will. I realized that life was not a 100mts race. It was more like a marathon. Those who begin fast, run fast at the beginning, never usually complete the race. Most of them give up. Many do. But those who plan their run, run slow at the start, increase the pace and finish it off in style. However, there are others, like me, the ones who begin faster, get tired, battle emotions of giving up, and yet, overcome fear with the courage to finish and cross the line, those who triumph over all odds, for somehow, it is these unforeseen struggles, which when overcome, makes the run memorable.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
I still am patient, and will continue to be..
During exams in my childhood days, I used to have a problem. I always wrote at a great speed. However, my mind generated answer at a faster pace than what I wrote. If I was supposed to write "The scenery is so serene that no matter how long you stay, you will be calm and never will you panic", I would end up writing it as "the scenery is so serene that no you will panic". I used to strike it and begin writing all over again. This usually occurred every time I was anxious or under pressure or some sort of restlessness. But imagine how it is when one is anxious, under pressure and restless at the same time? Now that is precisely what I am going through.
The last seventy two hours have been the slowest, with every minute increasing my heart rate. No matter how much I try to divert my mind, or try to calm myself down, somehow, like a wave, I get pulled back to the shore or restlessness. For long I have walked on this shore, with waves of anxiousness ebbing my feet.
Sometimes, all that you need is right in front of you and yet, there is nothing that you could really do. Sometimes, you would have done everything and anything that is follow would be totally dependent on the other person and therefore, time stands still at your end. Right now, that is how things are at my end.
Though there might be several tempests that rise within me, though there might be shattering storms that rattle my soul in me, I will still continue to be patient, maintain calm on the surface.
The last seventy two hours have been the slowest, with every minute increasing my heart rate. No matter how much I try to divert my mind, or try to calm myself down, somehow, like a wave, I get pulled back to the shore or restlessness. For long I have walked on this shore, with waves of anxiousness ebbing my feet.
Sometimes, all that you need is right in front of you and yet, there is nothing that you could really do. Sometimes, you would have done everything and anything that is follow would be totally dependent on the other person and therefore, time stands still at your end. Right now, that is how things are at my end.
Though there might be several tempests that rise within me, though there might be shattering storms that rattle my soul in me, I will still continue to be patient, maintain calm on the surface.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
What am I going through now?
Anxiousness is the real killer. It is a weird concept when you think about it. When in anxious, a person feels that the time never moves, the swinging seconds needle appears to swing like a pendulum, between two realms. Somehow, every second that passes, makes a person feels as if a decade has passed by. Imagine living a decade and yet know that only a second has passed by. Now that is what happens when a person is anxious, or lets say, that is how I am feeling now.
After several months of going through plethora of thoughts, unimaginable amount of imaginations, constant preparations for conversations of three kinds, yes no or may be, a response, each of which would require me to be prepared for, somehow, I am now in that final phase. A phase that would determine how everything would now turn out to be. For long, I have been living at the cross roads, actually, at a junction. Through one road, I reached a junction, which now has three ways to go into. I have been stuck at this place for a long time. Neither of the ways is as an easy path, and to be honest, I am glad about it. Somehow, I have never liked a journey that was a smooth one, for there are no cherishable moments, no lessons learnt, no struggles, no hard work in them. As much as a journey on a highway is smoother, it just finishes too quickly. Imagine travelling a thousand miles. A journey on highway would probably get over in 6-8 hours at the max, it might take ten hours. However, if the same journey is now taken on unknown routes, covering unknown places, the journey might actually have a lot more to it than one can fathom.
Hairs that grow on us, when cut, makes us feel nothing. Sometimes, I wish that moments that grow on us, which we would not need or wished never occurred, could be cut out of our mind just like the hair. I wonder why, all the time. Even now, as I sit and try to think of how this week is going to be, I just cannot wonder how it would be. I mean, would it be just another week of my life, or would it be a cherishable one, or would it be another turning point in my life. Would this week leave me filled with emotions, or filled with joy or leave me gaping for freedom, I wonder how it would be. But just wondering how it would be would definitely not stop me from living it. If there is something that life has taught me most ruthlessly, it is to live life despite of what happens for a second that passes now, cannot be gained back. A minute that goes by, never comes back. A person standing by the shore, after facing one wave, can never experience another wave that was like the previous one. Not sure who said this, but time and tide surely wait for none.
Mathematics is a subject, a fan of which I have always been. Somehow, I have seen life in form of numbers. But love, it always astonishes me. In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing. For a long time, I mean real long time, I had forgotten where my soul really was. It was hidden in some unknown place within me. I forever had always been trying to know where my soul was, where it was hiding, what it was doing and somehow, I never really found it. The moment I realized I was in love, the love made my soul crawl out from its hiding place. It was as if it found its match with whom it could resonate.
So here I am, at the start of the second week of 2010, wishing my soul could begin resonating forever and never go back to its hiding place.
After several months of going through plethora of thoughts, unimaginable amount of imaginations, constant preparations for conversations of three kinds, yes no or may be, a response, each of which would require me to be prepared for, somehow, I am now in that final phase. A phase that would determine how everything would now turn out to be. For long, I have been living at the cross roads, actually, at a junction. Through one road, I reached a junction, which now has three ways to go into. I have been stuck at this place for a long time. Neither of the ways is as an easy path, and to be honest, I am glad about it. Somehow, I have never liked a journey that was a smooth one, for there are no cherishable moments, no lessons learnt, no struggles, no hard work in them. As much as a journey on a highway is smoother, it just finishes too quickly. Imagine travelling a thousand miles. A journey on highway would probably get over in 6-8 hours at the max, it might take ten hours. However, if the same journey is now taken on unknown routes, covering unknown places, the journey might actually have a lot more to it than one can fathom.
Hairs that grow on us, when cut, makes us feel nothing. Sometimes, I wish that moments that grow on us, which we would not need or wished never occurred, could be cut out of our mind just like the hair. I wonder why, all the time. Even now, as I sit and try to think of how this week is going to be, I just cannot wonder how it would be. I mean, would it be just another week of my life, or would it be a cherishable one, or would it be another turning point in my life. Would this week leave me filled with emotions, or filled with joy or leave me gaping for freedom, I wonder how it would be. But just wondering how it would be would definitely not stop me from living it. If there is something that life has taught me most ruthlessly, it is to live life despite of what happens for a second that passes now, cannot be gained back. A minute that goes by, never comes back. A person standing by the shore, after facing one wave, can never experience another wave that was like the previous one. Not sure who said this, but time and tide surely wait for none.
Mathematics is a subject, a fan of which I have always been. Somehow, I have seen life in form of numbers. But love, it always astonishes me. In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing. For a long time, I mean real long time, I had forgotten where my soul really was. It was hidden in some unknown place within me. I forever had always been trying to know where my soul was, where it was hiding, what it was doing and somehow, I never really found it. The moment I realized I was in love, the love made my soul crawl out from its hiding place. It was as if it found its match with whom it could resonate.
So here I am, at the start of the second week of 2010, wishing my soul could begin resonating forever and never go back to its hiding place.
Year 2009 - A year of realizations
It has been a while since I wanted to write this post and every time I felt like writing, there was some or the other event that occurred, which in turn diverted my mind. Its been over a month to be honest.
Soon I will be finishing four working years of my life, a phase of my life that has taught me more lessons than my 16 years of education could ever do. Though year 2005 was my actual entry into the corporate world, due to several unforeseen circumstances, it could not continue to be and hence year 2006 became my entry. New environment, new people, new friends, new challenges, more credit cards, more fun. Somehow, 2006 passed too quickly, without me realizing anything in it. Although, as always, there were several cherishable moments made, somehow, it never taught me anything, or atleast, I thought so.
When I stepped into year 2007, little did I know of what was in store for me. I must say, it was a wake up call for me. Too many events rattled my existence, my approach towards life, my ambitions, infact, everything about me and my life changed in the year 2007. Lets say, for now atleast, that 2007 was the turning point of my life. From a boy who was working and earning, I became a man who began earning. Sometimes, for a guy, certain tragic events should take place to grow up to be a man and that is precisely what happened in 2007.
With what had happened in 2007, that December, I decided that no matter what happens from now onwards, every December, I would dedicate the last two weeks in going through the entire year that had passed, marking key events or more so, milestones, lessons that I had learnt and later, give myself realistic resolutions, which when achieved, would elate me with confidence. Thus began the resolution exercise, which now has become a ritual. Instead of giving myself a resolution to last an entire year, I give myself targets to be achieved every quarter. I dont know what the year holds for me, but for sure, the events that happen to me now will have influence over me for few months and hence my exercise. More often that I thought, I met my resolutions. With that said, as I entered 2008, life had stored too many challenging events, hectic work life, great moments with friends, in short, year 2008 was one of the best years of my life. To much of knowledge was gained and a lot of happiness was shared as well.
So there I was, with 2006 vanishing without anything left, and 2007 rattling me completely, 2008 filled me with knowledge. As much as I did not want to anticipate or hope or expect what 2009 would be like, a lot of permutations and combinations began in my mind. Sometimes, we have to wait longer than we think to know the bigger picture, for events are like dots and over a period of time, when you start connecting the dots, you get to know what the picture is. So as the year was coming to an end, it occurred to be that year 2009 was the year of realization. Life often throws surprises at us and at times we need to take a leap of faith. For me, year 209 involved taking several leaps. From an atheist, I began praying to God, from inhumane to emotions, I began feeling and living them, I once again began loving, wrote my first ever love letter and what not. The last week that was spent at Goa made me do all that I always wanted to do, swim in the ocean at night, parasail in a full moon light, with moonlight reflecting on the waves in the ocean, go on motor boats and feel the waves, get drunk by the ocean at night, lie down on the beach and look at the sky and feel the breeze, bond with total strangers, save people from drowning (yes, I saved two people), experience death to find a new love for life. I almost drowned saving one of my friend, and at that moment, in those few seconds, my entire life flashed and all I could think of was meeting the one I loved, to meet her. Somehow, at that moment, energy that had emptied me filled me again and the urge to be with her filled me so much that when I had lost the hope, and felt my lungs filling with water, I began swimming to the shore.
So here I am, in my year 2010, thinking about all that has gone by, and all that has had effect on me. Life for me, has come a long way from where it started.
Soon I will be finishing four working years of my life, a phase of my life that has taught me more lessons than my 16 years of education could ever do. Though year 2005 was my actual entry into the corporate world, due to several unforeseen circumstances, it could not continue to be and hence year 2006 became my entry. New environment, new people, new friends, new challenges, more credit cards, more fun. Somehow, 2006 passed too quickly, without me realizing anything in it. Although, as always, there were several cherishable moments made, somehow, it never taught me anything, or atleast, I thought so.
When I stepped into year 2007, little did I know of what was in store for me. I must say, it was a wake up call for me. Too many events rattled my existence, my approach towards life, my ambitions, infact, everything about me and my life changed in the year 2007. Lets say, for now atleast, that 2007 was the turning point of my life. From a boy who was working and earning, I became a man who began earning. Sometimes, for a guy, certain tragic events should take place to grow up to be a man and that is precisely what happened in 2007.
With what had happened in 2007, that December, I decided that no matter what happens from now onwards, every December, I would dedicate the last two weeks in going through the entire year that had passed, marking key events or more so, milestones, lessons that I had learnt and later, give myself realistic resolutions, which when achieved, would elate me with confidence. Thus began the resolution exercise, which now has become a ritual. Instead of giving myself a resolution to last an entire year, I give myself targets to be achieved every quarter. I dont know what the year holds for me, but for sure, the events that happen to me now will have influence over me for few months and hence my exercise. More often that I thought, I met my resolutions. With that said, as I entered 2008, life had stored too many challenging events, hectic work life, great moments with friends, in short, year 2008 was one of the best years of my life. To much of knowledge was gained and a lot of happiness was shared as well.
So there I was, with 2006 vanishing without anything left, and 2007 rattling me completely, 2008 filled me with knowledge. As much as I did not want to anticipate or hope or expect what 2009 would be like, a lot of permutations and combinations began in my mind. Sometimes, we have to wait longer than we think to know the bigger picture, for events are like dots and over a period of time, when you start connecting the dots, you get to know what the picture is. So as the year was coming to an end, it occurred to be that year 2009 was the year of realization. Life often throws surprises at us and at times we need to take a leap of faith. For me, year 209 involved taking several leaps. From an atheist, I began praying to God, from inhumane to emotions, I began feeling and living them, I once again began loving, wrote my first ever love letter and what not. The last week that was spent at Goa made me do all that I always wanted to do, swim in the ocean at night, parasail in a full moon light, with moonlight reflecting on the waves in the ocean, go on motor boats and feel the waves, get drunk by the ocean at night, lie down on the beach and look at the sky and feel the breeze, bond with total strangers, save people from drowning (yes, I saved two people), experience death to find a new love for life. I almost drowned saving one of my friend, and at that moment, in those few seconds, my entire life flashed and all I could think of was meeting the one I loved, to meet her. Somehow, at that moment, energy that had emptied me filled me again and the urge to be with her filled me so much that when I had lost the hope, and felt my lungs filling with water, I began swimming to the shore.
So here I am, in my year 2010, thinking about all that has gone by, and all that has had effect on me. Life for me, has come a long way from where it started.
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