Ah the battles..

We are always in constant battles. We are under the impression that it is the world and the people with whom we battle. It is so unfortunate that we actually forget that we are in battle with ourself more than with anything else. Few months ago, I was in battle with myself trying to figure out what things were. Few weeks back I was again in battle with myself to take an action or not. And now, I am in a battle with myself. Yet again.

When things happen as they do and when you realize that there was nothing that you could have done, the only thing that you will end up doing is accepting that they happened. To be more on the specific terms, few months back I realized I was in love. As much happy as I was, I was not sure if it truly was love. I began battling various thoughts to determine if it really was. I did every possible thing to ensure I did not feel the way I felt and did things to determine if I was really in love. But no matter what I did, I just kept loving even more. With every day that passed, it just grew exponentially. The more I was trying to tell myself that I was not in love, the more situations became clearer that I was.

So there I was, confirming that I was indeed in love. A hard hitting reality. It was four years back when I decided that I would never love again, and will never let myself love, intentionally or unintentionally, knowingly or unknowingly. As a result, I did everything that I could do to continue to remain so. Until few months. After that was clear, another battle began. Should I let her know or should I not let her know. Looks like the battles never end. They always are a matter of choice. Constantly. Endlessly. They just remain and keep coming back in various forms. So the battle I began fighting was to let her know or not. It took me over few months to decide on this. No matter how I felt about her, I had to be honest about it and hence I decided to tell her.

Once that went by, the next was to figure out how to tell it to her. Again, too many options, too many ways, but had to choose a way that would let her know how important she is to me. To give a flower was easy a thing to do. To tell her on a call was easier. Giving something was easier as well. Nothing made sense. The battle was now on, within the realm of my mind, wondering which one was the path I had to take. Of all possible way to let her know, I chose to write a letter. Not an email. But a letter. A handwritten one. Once that was done, I now had to write it. I have lost the count as to how many times I drafted it. Wrote, rewrote, wrote again. Chucked it. Started writing again and rewrote.

To give or not to give was the next. Little did I know that even this was going to be a tough one to deal with. It all appeared to be so easy as a thought, but when it was the time to turn the thoughts into a deed, it was like a journey to reach the horizon. After much deliberation, much time spent, I gave it to her. While I thought the battles were done, I realized that the mainstream battle has just begun. While it was difficult to imagine how things would be, it was much soothing after a conversation.

Never have I forced anyone on anything, never will I. Never have I pressurized anyone, never will I. While I wait, with every passing moment, I feel it growing within me, what I have for her, just increases every single moment surpassing what it ever was before. While I never saw what was right in front of me, once seen, I could not stop seeing.

I guess, the battles will never cease and keep happening.