What I feel about you.. How can I tell you..

When
every time I think of you my body shakes
every time I see you my knees grow weak and
every time I’m with you I don’t want the time to end.

When
every time I look into your eyes, I wish I was there
every time I see you smile my heart melts and
every night before I go to sleep I pray we don’t end.

I’ve tried somehow to say:
you’re the sun that lights up my sky
the wind that keeps me cool on a hot summer day
and sweet incense that keeps me on a natural high

I want so much to tell you
that without you with me each day my day isn’t complete
that since day one I’ve always wanted to be with you
that no matter what’s going on in my life
you’re the reason there’s a smile on my face
and that loving you seems to be all I need to know.

But every time I want to
the words just wont come out
to you it may sound mushy or too cute
you may not believe it so it’s better I keep my mouth closed

Then to try to tell you exactly whats on my mind
yet I wish to tell you that I’m beginning to
love you more with each passing of the day
and that I want to be with you
come whatever may.

Why?

Why do I think of you when I think of rain?
Is it because you made me cry so much?
Why do I think of you when sun shines?
Is it because you threw me into darkness?
Why do I think of you when wind blows?
Is it because things got heated because of you for a long period of time?
why do I think of you when I see a kid smile?
Is it because it reflects the same smile as yours?
Why do I think of you when I listen to some melodious song?
Is it because once you were melancholy in my life?
Why do I think of you when I think of love?
Is it because you made me understand it and left me to deal it alone?
Why do I feel that questions will remain unanswered for ever?
Is it because it is meant to be so?

My random thoughts

It's time for me to go to bed (since I have to get up early tomorrow), but my mind is active and I am not ready to sleep.

I've been thinking about my life quite a bit in the last few days (free time will do that to me). I find myself in one of those in-between places, ready to move on from personal trainer to therapist, but knowing it will still be several years before I can practice as a therapist.

And then there is the fact that a few months ago, I thought my life would be going in a different direction, that I'd have a partner in this new adventure and transition, but that didn't work out. More and more it seems that the old adage that life doesn't always give you what you want, but usually gives what you need, is true.

I wanted that relationship to work, but I also needed the experience of being loved and of loving someone else -- without conditions. It was good even if it didn't progress as I had hoped.

So I am still a writer, though I'm doing less writing than I would like. I love blogging, and that, too, is a kind of useful endeavor.

But what I am seeing more and more is that my clients need help in ways I am not yet qualified to offer.

I like being a writer, and I suspect that one way or another, it will continue to be a part of my life even when I am licensed as a therapist. My dream is to have an office with a consulting room, and another room set up as a miniature gym. There are a few therapists around who "analyze" their clients while putting them through a workout. I like that idea -- but I know it's only for some clients, not all.

So right now, I am living in another kind of liminal space. I'm not the person I was a few months ago, but I'm not yet the person I want to become. I have a hard time with "Want-Of-Being-Loved", so maybe that is my lesson now -- to live as comfortably as possible in this in-between place.

Who knows? I'm just thinking out loud.

No title for this post.

I was raised not to feel my emotions -- and that's my default response to things I don't want to deal with. But I know this isn't healthy. If I am to grow as a person, I have to be able to sit with my feelings, feel all of their affects on me, and tolerate the discomfort than might arise.

I've been working on this for years. It's getting better, but until tonight, I didn't know how much better it had become.

When jealousy came up in me last night, I was able to hold the feeling, not repress it. What I saw was how I responded, both physically and emotionally, as the feeling came up and dissipated. This was really useful in that I could watch the process at work, as an observing Self, and also in recognizing that I hold this feeling that I was previously unaware of.

If we are to do shadow work -- if I am to do shadow work -- I have to be able to face the hard things that come up and not try to repress them. This isn't easy for most of us, certainly not for me -- and I have been doing this work for years.

When we experience the hard feelings that come up -- from shadow work or in our daily lives -- we have to be able to allow the full experience of those feelings. It is only when we can be with our feelings, without attaching to them or repressing them, that we can learn about how they come up and how -- if we allow them to move through us -- they will often dissipate on their own, provided we do not attach to them.

This was a good lesson for me last night. And it gives me hope that I can make progress in other areas of my life.

Storm....

The door is ajar; an accident,
perhaps, or by design.
Who is to say?

Through the slightest opening
darkness creeps in
with the stealth of a cat
stalking a spider,
so very quiet,
sure to create disturbance.

The room is lit by candles,
soft glow, a warm radiance
of concentration.

Something is about to happen
in the confluence of light
and dark, an awakening
or descent. Who's to know?

Only the rhythm of breath
will decide, and even then,
no one will witness
the stormy aftermath.

Why do random thoughts make sense sometimes?

I was listening to the song "Tu hi to meri dost hai" from the movie "Yuvraaj" today. I must say, i heard it probably over forty times and I am not bored of it.

Every word in it, every tune in it, the rhythm in it has touched me and my senses and made me feel those moments when I felt them for the first time. I recollected those times. What a moments they were.. I cherish them even now.

It actually made me realize. The essence of survival differs from person to person and in my case by far, most evidently is a crave of being the one I want to be and to be with one whom I would want to be with. And this essence, in its very existence, makes a person do silly things, that by far, appear to be the most craziest things he/she could have done. Well, it has made me do many things too. Some I am ashamed off, but some make me proud.

Ashamed things are those that I repent for having done and would never want to do ever again. Take for an example, the credit cards.. What a mess they make out of a simple life. When I heard the concept of credit cards back in my early job days, it excited me. I mean come on, which soul in the world who has just graduated, would not get tempted with plastic cash to spend? I fell in the trap too. Not once, Not twice. You bet, not even thrice. In a span of 6 months, I had 4 credit cards. I spent. I spent. I spent. No plan in place, I just spent. But the sole desire in my spending was to keep people around me happy. Little did I know that few years down the life line, they would not be the same. I repent. Yes I do repent. Not for them, but for my desire to spend.

Proud things are those things that make me realize that "I-AM-SOMEONE-OUT-THERE-WITH-SUBSTANCE" and that feeling just pumps and kick starts the adrenaline enthralling mind blowing confidence level. I am not sure how many out there have know the concept called as "Center of Gravity". Every irregular shaped object, yeah yeah, any shape you can possibly think of, has a center of gravity. The place at which everything around it seems to be balanced.

Consider this. Life is an irregular object. An object with no boundaries in either direction and no specific shape and no peculiar surface. Its just an irregular entity. I guess, those critical and prioritized interests make the centre of gravity in life. More the centre of gravity, worse is the balancing act. Less the centre of gravity points, better the balance. Best would be where there is only one interest, which acts as the centre of gravity. In my life, ever since I have realized it, she has been that to me. Things around her when I am with her, made life so simple.

If she was with me, I would feel that I have conquered the world to spend that time with her. If she was not with me, I would begin to wonder when we will be meeting again. Be it that first meet, the first lunch, the second meet at the same place, the consecutive meetings at a park opposite her place, be it meeting her with her friends, be it anywhere I had met. The conclusions of those meetings always made me want to know when we would meet again.

Like someone said, time really heals and changes things, I would like to say that time also opens the wounds that have not completely healed yet. This christmas, it wil be three years of waiting. If I were not waiting, probably I would have been with over 30 others. But its me.

Thoughts of the most cherishable moments, the moments of her smiling, laughing, angry mode, not talking for several weeks, she getting irritated, everything, makes me want to make myself a better person. Everything that I have achieved so far from the day I realized how important it is in life to raise the bars and live upto the expectations, I have uinderstood that it is the only way I could prove to myself and to those out there that felt I was not capable of.

But as I kept proceeding, things began to fall off. The door of life was opened ajar like a pandora's box was opened. Monsters of past starting to empower me, began eating my present and challenging me. These monsters made me so weak, and when I wanted to share my burden with someone, it was even more painful to see no one was out there.

No one was out there. Ha! What a shame on me. I was the one resenting to tell, I was the one keeping myself in the closed doors of my room, I was the one to decide to suppress everything. I was the one who decided to be like this. Little did I know that I would alienate myself to everyone out there and begin to lose all those gems I had collected over a period of my life time.

Here I am. Sitting at my couch, at 3am, writing a post on how I am feeling right now. I used to be a person with optimism ooozing out of me all the time. It does even now but in less quantities, just like the snowfall in Himalayas in the present day. Here I am, sitting at my couch, wondering why is life treating me like a scum bag. Here I am, sitting at my couch, wishing and praying for only one thing. Here I am, wondering why, when you let others take control over you, you tend to go with the flow. The boat is yours, The journey is yours., and the ocean you are travelling in was built for you. I am just praying that I get back to sailing the boat for I am not sure where its pseudo sailor willl lead me to. Thats the other Mithun in me, which is not what I should become.

From college, to credit cards to love to disappointment to tuf life and than the unrequited love.. All appear random, but when thought, these random things become random thoughts. But when you focus more, these begin to make sense. These give me a bigger and clearer picture of what I have become. A loner. Why do random thoughts make sense sometimes?

Battling the tempest

All the time, before a storm, there is always a huge calm and serene sense of an environment. Sometimes, there are huge winds too. Something similar happens with me every now and then.

One thing I have always held onto is a feeling that never dies.. A thought that never fades.. Though your investment in live have diminishing returns most of the time, you still have a belief that never dies.. A belief that always tells you a sweet motivating thought.. A thought that never fades..

I look at my reflection in the mirror at the start of the day and so do I do at the end as well.. I keep reciting a thought, a thought that never fades..

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds in your presence that life is worth while,
So when you are lonely, remember it's true:
Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.

I wonder why and how this came in my mind. Ever since I have known you, I think I have known it too. Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.

At times, like today, this moment, I do think of this.. And in thinking Days continue to pass,
stars continue to shine.Why do I have tears in my eyes today, when she was NEVER mine?

Though I Have gone through a lot of tests of time and survivied several downfalls in life. I still hold on to the balance that gives a hope to my life. It is at this time, I realize that
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

May be this is the reason why I battle the tempest in my heart, and I guess my heart is going to be more pure as lost many tempests are faced..