Amrutha's Wedding

Date: 10 July 2009
Venue: Bunt's Society Hall at Vijayanagar, Bangalore
Time: 10:45am

As I woke up with laziness filled in me, I found that I had no mood to attend the wedding. But I remember what I had told Amrutha. I remember that day when she called me and told me that her marriage got fixed and she would be gettin married in few months. I was so happy for her. For I remember how much she wanted to get married and how much struggle and more struggle her parents were putting in searching a decent groom for her. I must tell you, their efforts really pAid off!!!!

So here I am, sitting in the hall, looking at the proceedings of the wedding. I now begin to think that day whe she called mr to invite me for her engagement. I really wanted to go. But due to my work schexile I could not attend her wedding. Looking at the arrangements and importance given to every minute detail of the wedding, I am sure the engagement went very well too.

Dressed in a typical south Indian way, a saree with lot of fashionable golden jewellery, a lovely hair do that is decorated with White flowers, and the most important thing, a great smile on face, I see my friend fr my school days sitting with a man equally dressed in a typical south Indian fashion, no shirt, only a White dhothi, aa lovely White cloth with silk embroidery as a turban, and equally great smile on his face s well. In addition to that both wear a garland around their nck that just adds to the picturesque scene in this hall. The hall is filled with humdred's of people, looks like it's a fashion show for marrid woman, for most of them find marriages as a platform to display their jewellery collection as well as their clothe collection. Poor husband's of theirs. I shall cover it in some other blog but right now I happy and I will stick to happiness.

There is a saying in Indian customs. The amount of happiness in marriage, satisfaction and joy in marriage is directly proportional to the amount of people that attend the wedding. With that said, there is no doubt mind that my lovely friend will be happy. Just as I think about her future married life, I get flashes of our childhood. Those golden school days, those years that were lovely and filled us with cherishable everlasting memories. The time we had spent in school remind me of fun times, and looking at my friend with her partner for life makes me realize that life indeed has come a long way, a real long way. Although we did come a long way, one fact remains and for my friend, the journey has just begun.

This one is to you my friend.

Wish you both a very happy, fun filled, roller coaster ride like, a dream like and enriching married life..

In being silent...

Well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. Well that's what a famous proverb quotes..

Never knew it could be such an influential a quote. For several years of my life, I have been a person who preferred expessing what was going in my mind. For instance, if someone was annoying I never really hesitated teliing it our, similarly if some girl wore a dress that she loved and yet looked ugly, I never really worried and told it directly. Through al those years of me being frank, yes that's what I had been telling myself, not once did I ever think that I could possibly be hurting someone. Well, I guess we al tend to do so when we think only about how we are and how we want to be. Atleast I was like that.

But almost for last two years, ever since I was knocked out my feet and fell flat on my face, I realized that life is not always about how I am and how I want to be. I realized it was all about how other around me are due to my presence and that gave the essence for my journey. Fateful as that night was, it opened the path which I wa required to travel in. With night spent in gruellin pain, I realized that I need to change the way I have been as a person.

I used to talk a lot, laugh a lot, have fun, joy and entertaiment a lot, go on frequent trips and spend money unwisely. In all this while I never really thought that a time would come when I would have to face certain situations for which I was probably lot prepared. People, my colleagues as well as my good friends thought that I was like an empty vessel that Just made noise noise and more noise. Although I never realized this and had to learn this the hard way.

It was this period that made me want solitude, longed for tranquility, wished for peace and struggled to bury the unwanted thoughts crowding my mind. Everything that once gave me joy, everything that once filled with love and happiness, everything thAt I needed, I just began resenting them. Be it those little talks with colleagues at work or be it those long conversations with my friends or for that matter b it th chats. I stopped everything. I shut myself from Everything I always wanted. All thr activitites that filled a certain kind of music in my life, I began fine tuning it until there was no tune. I now began listening to my inner voice, a voice that had been trying to tak to me for a long time and had gone unheard.

Although i had always been a person who gave importance to others I now realized that it is for greater good to let go of things that I held back. Sometimes the most toughest and pianful partnof grieving is in letting things go...

So yes, today after almost two years, I am back to where I belong.. Among people, renewed with freshness, with more respect being given to me. People often ask me as to why I don't talk much And why I don't react to situations. Here's the thing. Over a period of time you kinda grow mentally and the immature talks don't seem fun anymore and the childish behaviour does no good anymore. No, I am not saying that you stop having fun and become all serious in life. It's just that what you had been doing all this while do not make sense anymore. This happens when you know what is the path of your life and you have determined what should b th essence if your survival.

In addition to that, as days months and years pass by and get added to your stay at this planet, you realize that no matter how you react, people around you will always have a reason to complain and whine. It is only when you stop reacting that they do realize your importance. I don't say this because I had the need to be noticed, hell no. I am not in the league of the irritating pessimistic and annoying attention seeker, they are so sick. I did what I did to find what I had to find. No regrets whatsoever.

It is in being silent that u realized the importance of the spoken words. It is in being unemotional and cold hearted that I realized the importance of emotions and their true impact. The end result of the metamorphosis in my life is my ability to be there for others when they need me.

Varying thoughts

Sometimes when I think on how my days go in general, I realize that there always is a pattern.

It all begins on how I feel when i get up. On most of the instances I make sure that I start my day with positive thoughts. But sometimes no matter how much I try to day always get messed up. This mainly happens due to the external circumstances which are the variables in our lives. Pardon my anology but the so called constants in our lives whom we call as family, at certain times, end up being variables.

It is really unfortunate that we are brought up in a society where certain dogmas are injected into our thughts right from our choldhood, which on more than one instance ruin our logical judgements and conclusions. May be that's the reason we always end up cynical about certain important things in life.

For instance,
Today when I woke up I began thinking about what I was going to do today. I realized that I BSA only few days left in the week and the weekend is going to be one filled with too many things to go and getting tired and feeling exhausted was going to be a part of it. When I began to thunk about this, there as some unkown resenent in me. Not that I head never experienced it but it had always been there.

So whenever we have to go through something that is going to require a lot of effort, we tend to find out an easier way of doing it. It might be anything, from A simple activity of brushing teeth in the morning or climbing a mountain. Like I said earlier, if we see a dauntig task at hand we tend to find an alternative, hoping that we don't have to go through the grueling task. Probably once in a while or rather day once in a bluemoon if we had that attitude, it could be ok, but on the contrary if that is how onenia all the time than it is really disappointing a thing.

Waiting.. Waiting.. Waiting..

All the days, All nights long
I lay in my bed and thought,
The incredible changes that occurred
The cherished moments that took place in our lives,

Tomorrow comes, tomorrow goes,
I'm still waiting on my toes.
Holding every breath, not thinking twice.
Time goes so slow, it never flies.

I'm just waiting for you again,
I pray it will happen, but I don't know when.
You're near to me and yet so far away from me,
I hear your voice in my head, but your face I can't see.

I'm holding on with all that I've got. my body's growing weak, but my heart is not.
I cry myself to sleep wondering where you are.
I wonder if you're wondering about me, looking at the same bright star.
Heaven knows we are meant to be, no one else will ever complete me.

You are my heart, my soul, and everything in between.
I know I can't see the future, but I wish this could be seen.
I would look to see how our children would grow.
And how we look when we're old, moving so slow.

The only thing I've ever wanted is you.
It's amazing that you're the one thing I can hold onto.
I watch you slide from out of my grip.
I cry inside, my whole world starts to slip.

I know I'll make it, I'll be ok.
One more day without you, what's another day?
I will still wait, I know you'll come back.
I won't let myself doubt it, I won't let myself crack.

Let alone eating drinking and sleeping,
Without you I dont even feel like breathing,
Blood in me goes swiftly circulating,
I can now feel the walls of my heart cracking..

Tomorrow comes, tomorrow goes.
I'm still here waiting on my toes.
Holding every breath, not thinking twice.
Time goes so slow, it never flies..

Dealing with incompetent immature people has motivated me!

Yes, I mean by what I have written as the title of this post. To many this might come as a shock, and trust me, I am not surprised.

So here I am, sitting at my yet another new desk at work. Oh by the way, I do not have a dedicated seat at work. I guess that is a result of improper planning, but anyways, it has only turned out to be good. If I dont like the conversations of people sitting around me, I dont have to worry. I just get up and go to another place. You see, not all changes are bad, some are good too.

Speaking of which, I am not a big fan of venting out my frustration of my work life on net, not because I am scared of someone prying into my blog to lick someone's ass, hell with that, I dont really care about that. But because this blog I write, I write it to motivate myself when I am down. So may be, in future, when I am down, I will read this and I will tell myself that I can handle things much better than how I did it in the past. So this in a way is my lessons learnt session which teach me to move on.

Everywhere these days, work life is diversified, all the types of work are being globalized. Oh by the way, by globalization, I mean outsourced to asian countries. Apparently thats the essence of the word globalization. When such is the confusion, it is very evident to come across people who are even more confused, which by the way, I deal with every single day. Be it my fellow colleagues in my cab who do not care about time or be it my colleagues who prefer being a kid though they get certain pay cheques. Irony of life at work.

Having said that, I stare at the screen of my laptop wondering what I must do. And at every such instance, I get to take a decision amidst a dilemma between two kind of choices. Once taken, I dont worry about what would have happened if I had taken the other choice. When all those imcompetent people make untolerable noise, or when people at work talk their fucking regional languages, or for that matter when subordinates dry lick the ass of their respective bosses, I could possibly shout at them or go ahead and tell them that I am ashamed of their existence, I always think again. These incompetent people make me feel that I am much better a person. Never have I cheated anyone, nor have I dry licked someone to climb up the ladder. I am what I am because of how I have chosen to be what I am.

The immaturity among people around me motivates me that I can handle things in a much better way. But let me tell you, it does not make me proud nor does it make me arrogant. I mean come on, when you are at work, how can you possibly behave as if you were in the bathroom of your house? Dejected with immaturity and unprofessionalism, I see a light in me that fills me with confidence that I am and will continue to be different. In short, like I said in the title, dealing with incompetent and immature people has always motivated me.

My feelings.. something that I can relate to..

I have feelings of love for the girl I see.
Does she love me too, what does she think of me?

I wish I could tell her she makes me whole, but I'm afraid to say
what's deep in my soul.

I don't want to lose her, for I would be alone,
and some days I just can't wait to hear her voice on the phone.

She does certain things to make me feel loved,
some days she wants to be alone and my heart is shoved.

I want to feel as though I am her safeguard,
the one she can come to when things get hard.

I will always be there to help her along,
and before we met I wasn't as strong.

I wish I could tell her what I feel inside,
but I'm afraid of what she'll say, how she'll act on the outside.

Sasha

I was very tired that night. It was a hectic week at work. Very challenging tasks were completed. There was a sense of achievement and at the same time fatigue was taking control of me. I really needed rest and some refreshment. With too many thoughts crowding my mind, I decided it was in the best interest I go to sleep.

With laziness in every part of my huge body, I somehow managed to drag myself into the room to cleanse myself up. The shower was such a pleasure, I almost came back to my normal self. At times, the body just gives up as it needs complete rest and this was one of those times. Eyes as dark as that of a beast, face as pale as that of a skinny patient suffering to live but anticipating death anytime, voice shaken up as if a wind pipe was just taken out from my throat, I crash on my bed. This is when it all began.

As I enter the realm of my thoughts, the world I had constructed for myself, my run for safety, the place that gave me all my pleasures, filled me with happiness and where all my wishes came true, I began thinking of the one whom I loved and continue to love unconditionally. I suddenly saw a lovely garden with lawn spread for quite a distance. I saw green plants, none artificial whatsoever. As breeze struck my face, I felt and told myself "This is the place to be." My eyes were closed, experiencing the exhilarating atmosphere and lovely energy that was surrounding me. I see a little girl, in her very light blue coloured t shirt and a denim jean. She was around 3 years old. Her face was so calming that my heart began throbbing. Who was this little angel? I turned around to see if someone was around, and there I was, standing in the garden of a lovely house. A house that I always dreamed about.

I continue looking at the house, and I realize the hard hitting truth. It was my house. And the little girl, oh dear, she was my daughter. With a tinge of shock, I turn around to look at her. Not sure how, why and what, but I called her "Sasha.."

I could not believe it. I have a daughter. Her name is Sasha. I have a huge house with a garden I have gardened. A lawn that I am not sure who many times I used the lawn machine on. A walkway that was like a path amidst clouds. I realize another important thing. A ring on my right hand ring finger. Oh God. I am married. I take the mobile out of my Jean pocket and see the wallpaper. I see her with Sasha. Could something be better than this dream? I definitely do not think so. I again look at the wallpaper on my mobile. Holding it in my right palm,I use my thumb to clean the screen as I continue to look at the picture. I smile. A sense of being with the one with whom I have always wanted to be. Added, I now have a lovely daughter too.

"Dada, I like playing here" and she laughed. Seeing the joy and happiness in Sasha, I smiled with happiness too.

As she was running on the lawn, she slipped and fell.. She was rubbing her elbow. I said, "Be careful my little girl while you play on the ground.."

All that she did was just look at me, with a little bit of upset in her face, she continued to rub the elbow.As much as I wanted to go and help her out, I knew that this is just one of those many problems she will come across in future and stood by her to see what she would do. She smiled and continued playing.

After a while of running around, playing with her favourite barbie doll, she came to me. She asked,

"Dada, where is Mumma?"

"She has gone out to get some chocolates for my little princess.." I smiled and started tickling her. She laughed. Her laughter filled me with unconditional joy.

"Dada stop it. please stop it.." with continuous giggles was her reply. She kissed me on my cheek and went back to the lawn and continued to play.

I saw Sasha engrossed in her play, which she loved to do. As I continued to see her play, I felt someone was walking towards me. I saw her. The one. Only one actually. She came upto me, gave me a hug, something that was so special, filled with warmth, something that I always yearned for. I smiled again.

Little did I know that I was still smiling and I woke up from the one of the best dreams I ever had. Probably I might never read this one out to my daughter for I know I will not marry, but God forbid my intentions and If I end up having a lovely daughter, I will make it a point to read this one to her when she grows up. This one is not just for her, but this one is also for the lovely lady who brought her to life in my dream.

"I remember a time not that far in the past,
A time one would only wish to last.
A time filled with laughter,love and peace,
when things all moved in a harmonious pace.

From cheek to cheek the sun did rise,
Sneaking around like mischievous mice.
The dew of joy that came from the sun,
As fathers call abode their sons.

In rows and columns they sit to hear,
On floors, yards or grounds with no fear.
The sweet smell of nature's flowers,
Lil mice know it's almost that hour.

Times like these I wish I were back,
But my troubles all do stack.
Like lights years I wish I would but beam,
To solace, a hermit with no dreams.

But I know that my day will come,
When my life will be free from this eucalyptus gum.
Back to the days of childhood innocence,
When all will be pure and innocent.

So here I am, looking at my daughter
A girl who appeared more prudent than her laughter
With dreams of building a secure future for Sasha in my mind,
I enjoyed the journey of a Father, for its the best journey of its kind.

With face as shining as the early sun ray,
and laughter as cute as that of a lovely toy.
In her eyes I saw pure happiness,
For in her eyes love glittered and showed the joy.

I called her "Sasha" and she replied "what dada?"
"Be careful my little girl while you play on the ground",
with no words and only an expression was her reply
All that she wanted to do was just play, play and play.

As I saw her play, I stepped into a dream world
A world where all I could think of was many more dreams that began to unfold,
For her very sight filled me with a passion,
To make her life as great as a story of a princess that never was told.

With those tiny fingers as fragile and soft as a crystal
skin that glow brighter than snow,
she pointed to the bowl of chocolates that her mumma had kept on the table,
so cute was she that life all of a sudden had become a lovely parable.

All these thoughts arise and fall,
for my world had become more than just small.
She brought a promise with her into our world, and she conveyed,
I am here for my mumma n dada, and they are important to me than all. "