Change is painful but comes with a cause...

Cant remember where I read this..

"Nobody is right till somebody is wrong,
 Nobody is weak till somebody is strong,
 Nobody is lucky till love comes along,
 Nobody is lonely till somebody is gone.."

I must admit that it is a well phrased ballad kind of a para. It has given birth to many mixed feelings in me. Every sentence in it makes me feel something that has always been suppressed in me. Its as though all those things that I had bottled up in me now want to come out with the same force that champagne comes out of its bottle when the cork for the same is opened vigourously.

Often I have come across situations where I have had people comparing my capabilities with theirs and either they looked down upon me and thrashed me or they glorified me to an extent that I could only think I was not. 

I guess its time for me to say somethings.. I was Nobody until I realized that being somebody was not that difficult thing to do. In the event of being somebodt, i would not want to lose the essnce of a part of mine that would continue to be Nobody. 

I will continue to fight

Off all days, I guess life chose today to let me know how weak a person can be because of emotions.

Early 2006 which were overcast of late 2005 made life in mid 2006 a living beauty to me. Late 2006 startd to turn things upside down.

This was followed by a down falling early 2007. Follwed by a disastrous mid and end of 2007. Life just kept fucking me from every corner that it could. There were lessons to be learnt, tougher moments to be lived and trialing situations to be survived.

A only hope that drove me to step into 2008 was that of persistence, perseverance, tolerance, strength to overpower weakness. I must say, early 2008 was good. Several resolutions made, which I stand by even now.

And when mid 2008 has finally arrived, I have been thrown back into similar circumstances as I was in mid 2007. Same emotional turmoil, same emotional breakdown, same craving for emotional support, all same situations.

A year has passed by, giving me ample amount of time to learn, but today, after almost a year, I still stand uneducated of handling thingss. Things that matter to me more than my very life, things that relate to people who matter to me more than my life.

This is what I know as of now. What I do not know as of now is how I must make them aware of how much I have been trying to be a person whom all of them thinks is better to me. Its like a battle that I go through from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep and it is the same one every single day.

As of now, I am a completely wounded soldier in the battle of life. As of now, I am momentarily defeated by the purpose of life.

But one thing I can say. I will continue to fight............... till I experience the death..

I dont know what to say

Today has been a very interesting day to me.

Many things happened. Some brought smile, some brought tears too.

I have been controlling the eruptions that happen in me, that try to make me vent out what I wanted to tell and do. It is actually very difficult to be.

But I have promised to someone special that I will make sure I will be like this.

Sometimes it is enriching to go through the struggle, for the end result is always good one. Sometimes it is even sweet though there is lot of struggle and pain while we are going through the change.

Another Fav Song... Nammavemo Gaani (Parugu)

nammavemo gani, andaala yuvarani
nelapai vaalindi, naa munde virisindi


anduke amantam na madi, akkade nissabdam ayinadi
enduko prapancham annadi, ikkade ilage nato undi

nijamga kallato vinta ga mantramesindi
adedo mayalo nannila munchivesindi


navvulu vendi baanalayi naatukupothunte
chempalu kempu naanalayi kanti ni istunte
choopulu tene daaralai alluku potunte
roopam eedu bharalayi mundara niluchunte
aa soyaganne ne choodagane, po da ilaaga ayyaanu nene
adiga paadamuni adugu veyamani kadalaledu telusa
nijamga kallato vinta ga mantramesindi
adedo maayalo nannila munchivesindi

vekuva lona akasam aameni cherindi, o kshanamayina adharala ranguni immandi
vesavi paapam chali vesi aamenu vedindi, swasala lona taladachi jaliga koorchundi
aa andamanta na sontam ayte anandamayina vandellu naade
kalala taakidini manasu taaladika vetiki choodu chelimi
nijamga kallato vinta ga mantramesindi
adedo maayalo nannila munchivesindi

My fav song... Unnale Unnale

mudhammudhalaaga mudhanmudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

unnaale unnaale vinnaalachchendrene
unn munne unn munne mei thaazha nindrene
oru sottu kadalum nee oru pottu vaanam nee
oru pulli puyalum nee brahmiththen
ho oli veesum iravum nee
uyir ketkkum amudham nee
imai moodum vizhiyum nee yaasiththen

mudhanmudhalaaga mudhammudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

mudhanmudhalaaga mudhammudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

oru paarvai neelaththai oru vaarththaiyin aazhathai
thaangaamal vizhundhene thoongaamal vaazhnthene
nadhimeedhu sarugaippol unn paadhai varugindren
karai thetri viduvaayo gadhi motchcham tharuvaayo
moththamaai moththamaai naan maaripponene
suththamaai suththamaai thool thoolaai aanene

mudhanmudhalaaga mudhammudhalaaga
paravasamaaga paravasamaaga
va va va anbe
oho thaniththaniyaaga thannandhaniyaaga
ilavasamaaga ivan vasamaaga
va va va anbe

unnaale unnaale vinnaalachchendrene
unn munnE unn munnE mei thaazha nindrene

nee enbadhu mazhayaaga naan enbadhu veyilaaga
mazhayodu veyyil serum andha vaanilai sugamaagum
sari endru theriyaamal thavarendru puriyaamal
yedhil vandhu serndhaen naan yedhirpaarkkavillai naan
enn vasam enn vasam iraNdadukku aagaayam
irandilum pogudhe enn kaadhal kaarmegam
pa pa pa pa pappa papap paaaaa

unnaale unnaale vinnaaLachchendrene
unn munne unn munne mei thaazha nindrene
oru sottu kadalum nee oru pottu vaanam nee
oru pulli puyalum nee brahmiththen
ho oli veesum iravum nee
uyir ketkkum amudham nee
imai moodum vizhiyum nee yaasiththen

Question still lingers around..

There have been many instances where I have done everything that I wanted to do, said everything I wanted to say, lived every moments that I wanted to live. Those were the days when I never thought about anything for a second time. Never did I have second thought on them either.

For last 8 n odd months, I have been supressing things that I wanted to say, things I wanted to do, moments I wanted to live, and the extent has reached to such a distance that now when I wish to say do or live them, I just cant.

Back then al those things that I said with no effort now require humungous effort for me to do the same.

In the event of suppressing all, I am slowy mastering the art of expressing the same in silence. I used to worry that probably my silence will never get answered. Fear is exists. But I am waking up the courage in me to let it pass. I am slowly beginning not to worry on it.

Question still lingers around.. Will I be able to express? Only time will tell.