My Mind

Recently, a friend of mine sent me text message that went like this:
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"

Interesting as it seemed, a thought suddenly occurred to me, like a lightening..

Let's imagine a chemist holding two test tubes in his hands: one containing two parts of hydrogen, the other one part of oxygen. The chemist says to himself, "In an hour's time, I will mix these two gases together, and I shall get water."

What is the chemist doing? He is actually looking to the future. Wonder why? Well, because he possesses all the necessary information to do this. This future has yet to come into being(the water, that is) but it exists in the latent state(hydrogen and oxygen).

Our mind, actually, the unconscious part of it, is like the chemist. This gathers a lot of information, lots of different factors and then tries to draw a conclusion from what it has gathered. Somehow, human mind continues to amaze me. When I tried to think about what my mind thinks and how it actually does it, I realize that among the countless hordes of memories in the human mind, only some stand distinct. Even if our memories seem 'forgotten' somehow they are imprinted in our memory. Interesting huh? Well, that's the reality, you got to digest what you got to digest.

My mind, my mind at the moment battles many battles of thoughts, from one era to the other, swings in time, leaps in ages, dwells in a bridge between past and present.. Aah my mind..

In it lie,
Painful tensions and insinuations,
A want to live more freely and untrammeled..
At times we got to hold back,
The teeming jungle of the unconscious,
Just to travel the path less traveled.

Inhibitions? Not really..

An illness that starts unbeknown to us, produces an abnormal but unconscious sensation. This is when we begin to think, ponder and at the same time wonder. It is so true. Games of the mind are of very weird kind. They often leave a person, in their thoughts, completely intertwined.

As of today, my life is great. Actually, it has always been I guess, it could not get better than what it now is. It is throwing me too many challenging situations and I am glad about them. It is letting me know how weak I have been although I have been telling myself that I am pretty strong. What a tremendous experience it is when a man realizes that he is not at all what he things he is! (Applies to a woman as well!) In a way, looks like I am very lucky., For life is letting me life circumstances that not all get to live, good or worse, I am getting to live them, so perhaps, I am blessed. Like I earlier wrote, if I am not yet killed by it, I am actually growing stronger due to it.

Red Amber and Green. Three main colors that are associated with my current job profile. Red, denotes an undesirable situation or state that needs immediate rectification. Amber, yet another undesirable situation that somehow is critical and yet not that critical. Green, aah the bliss. That which is Green today, might go Amber or even Red for that matter. But for that which is Red or Amber today, takes a while to go to Green. Every time an activity is Red or Amber, an exercise is done to put an action plan in place such that each activity is tracked to turn the status from Red or Amber to Green. Looking at what I do at my workplace, I began correlating it to my personal life. That which is Green, in real life were the situations that were going according to my plans, wishes and desires. That which is Red, were those situations, plans, desires, wishes, dreams, ambitions, that went in the opposite directions, went out of control, caused lot of turmoil within my being, caused a lot of stir beneath my skin, and huge turbulence's in my soul. And Amber, well, they are there anyway.

So here is my life, currently juggling between a lot of Amber and Red situations, some rare Green ones that make the entire juggling event a memorable one. Nevertheless, life of mine is very colorful. Amongst these colors, I found out that one source of inspiration, that motivation, that essence. Most of the times people live without knowing what they should be living for. Sometimes they realize that single most important thing in their life for which they would begin living for. This becomes their motivation, their basic amenity in life, their everything actually.

Just like the recent Eminem's song goes..

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road.

04 Sept 2010

Whatever does not kill you, makes you stronger.. Yeah, you suffer, weep, cry, whine, complain, spend time being alone, go into depression, sit in loneliness, wish someone was around to take care of you and what not, but in the end, you are much stronger than what you earlier were. I am not dead yet, so that sure is a sign that I am growing stronger by the day. Not just physically and mentally, but also at the level of my soul. TO grow stronger as the days pass is the only option that is left to be used, if only life was one of the 'choose the best answer' type of a quiz.

Situations and circumstances never come with a warning and when they do occur (I am talking about the ones that we do not want to happen) they leave days and months of effort and belief shattered and in that moment, that instance, everything becomes suspended animation. However, that actually reminds me of the sun. When it sets, it sure is to rise again. This fills me with a confidence that as darkness begins to loom around, I begin to tell myself that light is just around the corner, but only when it is the right time, you will see it.

As I write this post, too many things recur to me and they all come crashing down upon me, much like the weight of the world over on my shoulders. I begin to wonder, if this is really one of those situations wherein the thought of tiredness creeps in and just as that is about to come up, I say unto myself, 'Nope, its not that time yet, and it never will be.'

04 Sept 2010 will be a date that I would not forget in a long long time for sure..

Daily prayer of a person in love

Dear Lord, I know you are over there, up above in the sky, watching me praying this, yet another time. Every time, I spend these minutes talking to you, you know that I have said the same things already. I know you are looking at me, smiling and saying, "My child, when the time is right, you will get what you need. I am taking care of you."

**The person Smiles**

Lord, dear God, you know exactly how I feel at this very moment. With no blocks in vision, you surely can see what I am going through. Everybody who believes that you exist, knows that no one can hide anything from you and despite the fact that I have hid my feelings and emotions from the world, I know that you know them all.

I sit here, on my knees, with clasped wrists, and head held towards the sky with my eyes closed, and heart thumping faster and faster. You know why I am having this talk with you. It is you to whom I can say anything and fear not being judged. It is you who knows me better than I know myself or anybody that knows me.

**Suppresses the closed eyes**

God, you know how much I love you and you also know how much I love her. I do not know where this life of mine is headed, you very well do. I know you have a plan for me, and you will always do the best for me. In you I lay my trust, my belief and my faith. As I have told this to you earlier, I say this unto you yet again.

**A tear takes form in each of the eyes**

Dear Lord, take away all her sadness, negative emotions, disappointments from her life, give them to me. Give my happiness, my joy to her. Keep her away from strife, let happiness fill her life. God, she is very special, not just as a person, but special to me too. More than me, you know it, and I am pretty sure that you will concur to this too. I have never been thankful to you as much as this, for you made someone this special, who had the power to change me completely. You work miracles and wonders in miraculous and wonderful ways. God, the very thought of she not being happy, makes my world turn upside down. Please take care of her.

**That which were formed earlier, now roll down the cheeks, like an unstoppable force**

My last thought before I fall asleep and my first thought when I wake up is my prayerful wish to you, to keep her happy and healthy. Death will come to me someday for sure, I do not know when. But Lord, without her by my side, you know I will die every single day. Give me strength to be strong, to pray this same thing over and over again. God, in the end, let your will be done.

Amen.

**Wipes the wet cheeks off, says to himself, "She will be fine." **

Painful moments are actually the strengthening ones

Disappointments are the milestones in life. They are one of a kind. They run paralleled with the achievements, which are also the milestones, again, one of a kind.

If one looks back into life, and finds more disappointments, it actually means there have been more number of attempts, so what if the success has been less? I am pretty sure that those milestones of achievements were far more sweet than what they could have been if the disappointments were less. Somehow, always, the achievements that we have after a lot of painful struggles, failures, hardships, hurt, after all those tough moments, somehow, this achievement, be it a thing a person of a moment of happiness, is very cherishing. Perhaps, this is the reason we had 'Try and try again until you succeed' lesson in our school days. The classic tale of the spider trying to get back to its web, somehow, its that web is what matters.

If we all got what we wanted, there would be anarchy and chaos in the world, and may be, just be, that is why we do not always get what we want. However, when the clock strikes the right time, we tend to get what we need the most.

Sometimes my soul feels as though it's withering, sere as desert plants too long deprived of liquid. However, writing is like my hydrotherapy, only the right writing will plump and buoy that wispy intangible portal to life. I can see, hear, feel, breathe, sigh, sit, settled in an old comfort, a familiar rut. I recognize this in my
bones, my heart, chest, lungs. I breathe deeply, returning home at last. Aah the love.. I now realize I have uncovered, discovered, recovered enough to feel safe enough to reveal myself to someone else, and how. It will soon be a year since I quit smoking, and the determination to quit is my dedication of new life to the only one who is worth of it.

For everything that has been, that is, and that will be, in all manner, at all times,

Cloudy carnivores of souls,
saintly demons rise from mist like unpolished butterflies.
Saintly demons have transparent employment to misguide me.
Profound distance kept me hidden from myself and unreachable.
The resentments while on one hand made me stronger,
on the other made me question my very strength.

Speaking of that, its story time (its been a while since a story appeared on my blog):

A story tells of a merchant in a small town who had identical twin sons. The boys worked for their father in the department store he owned and, when he died, they took over the store.

Everything went well until the day a dollar bill disappeared. One of the brothers had left the bill on the cash register and walked outside with a customer. When he returned, the money was gone.

He asked his brother, "Did you see that dollar bill on the cash register?" His brother replied that he had not.

But the young man kept probing and questioning. He would not let it alone. "Dollar bills just don't get up and walk away! Surely you must have seen it!"
There was subtle accusation in his voice. Tempers began to rise. Resentment set in. Before long, a deep and bitter chasm divided the young men. They refused to speak. They finally decided they could no longer work together and a dividing wall was built down the center of the store. For twenty years hostility and bitterness grew, spreading to their families and to the community.

Then one day a man in an automobile licensed in another state stopped in front of the store. He walked in and asked the clerk, "How long have you been here?"

The clerk replied that he'd been there all his life. The customer said, "I must share something with you. Twenty years ago I was "riding the rails" and came into this town in a boxcar. I hadn't eaten for three days. I came into this store from the back door and saw a dollar bill on the cash register. I put it in my pocket and walked out. All these years I haven't been able to forget that. I know it wasn't much money, but I had to come back and ask your forgiveness."

The stranger was amazed to see tears well up in the eyes of this middle-aged man. "Would you please go next door and tell that same story to the man in the store?" he said. Then the man was even more amazed to see two middle-aged men, who looked very much alike, embracing each other and weeping together in the front of the store.

After twenty years, the brokenness was mended. The wall of resentment that divided them came down.

It is so often the little things that finally divide people- words spoken in haste; criticisms; accusations; resentments. And once divided, they may never come together again.

The solution, of course, is to let it go. There is really nothing particularly profound about learning to let go of little resentments. But for fulfilling and lasting relationships, letting them go is a must. Refuse to carry around bitterness and you may be surprised at how much energy you have left for building bonds with those you love.

Those days, these days, all the days..

They say (not sure who, but someone someday surely did say such a thing) that even the greatest journey begins with a single step. Well, lets modify that to suit our needs. Greatest storm also starts by little rain drops, much like the little drizzles. Greatest earth quakes are also preceded by mild tremors in the ground. Going further, the tsunami, true, even the tsunami, a huge monstrous wave, also begins with a small ripple in the waves caused by mild tremors. I mean, look at it. Its all right there. Anything and everything that we need answers for, are actually hidden in the nature, in some mystical, magical and in a magnanimous manner, so unimaginable that if you were not looking at the right place, you would definitely miss them. These few examples that I just quoted, are things that have enormous outcomes, I mean, really enormous.

With that said, what should also be considered is the fact that the times during these happen, are the times that challenge the most. These challenging times are very tough and when I speak of that, I begin to wonder. Tough times do not last, tough people do. But if tough times keep coming back, would people continue to be as tough as they were? Would they become tough enough to face the recurring tough situations? Or, worse as it may be, would the tough ones give into the tough situations? Sometimes, I just ponder over this no matter how many times I know the answer for this, which again, is my perception.

Life as it has, brought in too many such situations. if at all there is something that I have got to learn out of life so far, its that the most important lessons are taught to us in the most cruelest way, during which one often tends to lose focus on reality. As a matter of fact, the permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality, but the permanent defeat of life is when dreams gets surrendered to reality.

We dream, we chase them to make them a reality, we face tough challenges, we lose confidence, we still continue the quest, never give up, still go on, we begin doubting our own abilities, our destiny, and yet, continue chasing that dream, for we badly want that to be a reality. Every time we begin to give up, almost like a buzzer, much like an instant alarm, we hear an inner voice saying 'You held on this long, why give up?' and then you say to yourself, 'Yes, why should I give up?'.

At this very moment, I cannot recollect where I read this, it went something like this:

--- The worst in life is "attachment ", it hurts when you lose it. The best thing in life is " loneliness " because it teaches you everything and, when you lose it, you get everything. ---

(how true !)

When I thought about you, there were things I wanted to tell you..

Oh girl with beautiful eyes and beautiful face,
Be gentle, what you're holding is actually my heart..
The mistress of my eyes, Alone in pristine skies,
How can I tell you what I feel for you?
When I think of you my feelings twist inside.

You're the sun in my sky,
The wind that takes me where I want to go,
The sweet incense that makes me feel so high
That loving you seems all I need to know.

Every day I find I'm thinking of you,
Which makes me hope we walk in the same way.
Some night, perhaps, we'll go hang out somewhere;
I will reach for you, and you'll be there.

My mood is like a cloudy noon
Waiting for the sun,
I fidget in my emptiness,
Not knowing where to run;

The days I spent with you are like a tape;
I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play.
Your eyes won't let my thoughts go back to sleep;
Although I look for you in every doorway.

Life's become too average,
I'm lost in the normality,
Without you by my side, such has become my reality.

No matter what our troubles, I still love you,
As though a part of me were also you.
Life isn't easy, but I know without you
There will be bitterness in all I do.