Not being me, is not easy for me

Time, apparently, is the best healer. not because it heals, but because, it gives enough time for an individual to learn to control the pain of a wound. As I write this post, I recall yet another dream that I had. Dreams, somehow, have always managed me, to fill with hope, courage, a never ending thirst to achieve what I dream about, in ways that I would not be able to fathom otherwise.

My eyes were closed. I was not wearing any shirt. I could hear the gushing sound of the wind in my ears. Randomly blowing wind. It had its own rhythm. I was facing towards the sky. with my eyes closed, I felt the sun rays hitting my face. I could sense the brightness in my eyes. The tinge of red, combined with that or yellow and orange, mixed with the feel that wind brought in me. It was different.

I was there. Standing. All alone. I begin to open my eyes. Slowly. As slowly as I could. With every passing moment of me opening my eyes, I began to see where I was. Hill? No, I do not think so. Mountain? I do not think so either. What was it that I was standing on? As I begin to ask, I find no answers, and yet, I manage to notice that the place where I stood was above everything that surrounded me. I could view it all. The wind began to blow again. And this time around, I stretch my arms, an attempt to hug the wind.

As I stood there, on topmost point of it all, from where I could see it all, I noticed that my body had several tattoos. First reaction was that of a surprise. Last I remembered, I had only one tattoo. But now, I saw so many. As I try to take a closer look, I noticed that all those that appeared to be tattoos, were actually my past wounds. My wounds, became my scars, which appeared like tattoos, a mark that I would now carry all my life, till death do us apart.

Not being me, is not easy for me and hence I could not let myself stop from thinking about each of those. I stood there, looking at all of them. One by one. Some of them reminded me of battles I had fought with myself, struggles I went through. Those moments, trials and tribulations as they say, moments that made me stronger every passing day. As I continued seeing them, they reminded me of all the painful days that I had lived, all the hard efforts that I had put in, all those that went out without the reward anywhere in the sight. All those moments, flashed right in front of me, and as much strong as I had become over time, I realized tears were out. With my right thumb, I wipe them out. I look at the sky, clench my fists, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and breathe out opening my eyes.

I now began to look at some of the wounds, those that were a result of a much fiercer battle in life, the ones that resulted in victories. As I began to think of these, there was some sort of determination building up in face, some kind of strength building within me, a motivation may be, perhaps, positive energy. Several thoughts started coming to my mind.

As much as distance, though of few hundreds of miles, makes me live a life several lives away, I realize that time indeed has made me stronger. I correct saying it, time did not heal anything. it just had made me stronger. Standing there, I said unto myself, "Whatever happens, I aint gonna give up, because not being me, is definitely not easy for me".

As an Eagle, I flew

This post has been on the back burner for quite a while. For reasons known to me, and of-course to some of my friends, Bangalore has become a very nostalgic territory to me. I walk in streets, memories just flood. I visit places, memories begin to not just overpower me but also overcrowd me. As I think of it, even my workplace turns out to be quite a nostalgic place.

So, that's the background to this post. What you read ahead is possibly the culmination of it all, outcome being a freedom, not knowing how long it is going to last. But yet, freedom nevertheless.

In random memories, I began to see a pattern. In my insomnia I began to dream. Where perhaps existed a world within, I experienced a void, whose depths remained unknown to me. As I began to wrap the day, I hit the bed. Yep, I literally hit the bed. This was few weeks ago. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and experienced a sigh of relief. It felt quite relaxing. In no moments I am sure I was fast asleep.

As i remember, I woke up looking at the ground beneath my feet.

"What are these cracks? I see them all over, all around me.", I say to myself.

Hoping to see someone around, I make a 360 degree turn. Not a single soul other than me. I look at my feet. Dry. Worn out. Pale. Yes, I had been walking on a barren land for a while. Clear blue sky, scorching heat, dry throat, and yet, a hope in heart for a running stream closely. Ironically, for as far as my sight went, I could see no tree. I look towards the sky, closing my eyes, I make a wish.

"God, I have no idea why I am here. If this is what you have planned for me, guide me further. I am vary, tired, filled with doubt, and have no idea where I am headed towards. Guide me. Lead me."

My eyes were still closed. I felt the heat turning to cold atmosphere. Nit sure what it was, I kept my eyes closed. It became colder colder and colder. I began shivering. I felt something wet in my feet. I suppressed my eyes and opened them. I was standing at the cliff. White and bright sky, snow as while as milk all around. At the cliff, like a slope. With all my gears on.

I hear someone shout, "Come on Mithun, your turn now. Time to rock n roll!"

I look around, I see some guy, guess he was my instructor. I take a deep breath, and feel the pounding heart. I move. I slide. Down the hill I went.

"wohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

"woooooohhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooo"

So there I was, with all my gear, as I looked at myself for few brief seconds, I noticed I had it all in White. White helmet, white gloves, white Skii carrier, white trousers, white jacket, white shoes and I am sure my socks were white too. Soon after I finished having a look at myself, I put on the goggles back, almost like an involuntary action. That is when I realized I had worn red goggles. The world suddenly appeared in red. As I went down the mountain, speed increased.

zzzzzzzzzzzooooooooop.. I turned right.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzooooooooooooppp.. I turned left..

Same pattern followed for a while. And then there was plain terrain. As I moved forward, there was a small ramp. I began moving upwards. Speed began reducing. Heart, began pounding. I wondered what was out there. As I moved towards the ramp, the white sky filled with clouds now began to get clearer. I began to notice the blue tinge in the sky. My eyes were now focussed on the ramp. Ski poles now pointing backwards, legs in firm position, leaning towards, I faced the end of the ramp. And then, it was an amazing ski jump into the air. Just amazing.

I let go of the ski poles, took of my goggles. I flipped myself for 2 times and then began diving. White. I was diving into an endless white.

As I began going towards, I took of my helmet. Whoooosh.. It flew away or may be I was falling faster I took of my gloves. Speed increased. The whiteness aka the clouds, started to clear away. I began seeing blue. Once again, Blue. I was scared. As the image became clearer, I realized I was diving into an ocean from a height of over my imaginations.

"What the hell, chuck the fear, I am facing this head on.", I said to my self.

I screamed in my loudest voice possible, "Wohooooooooooooooooooooooo"....

Looking straight into the ocean, as if it was looking straight into my eyes, I dive.

Splaaaaaaaaaaassshhhhhhhh !!!!! A loud sound followed.

As I looked around, it was crystal clear blue water all around me, of course tasted like salt. I began swimming upwards. As I began, I noticed that the sweater was off me due to the dive. I was now bare bodied. So there i was, in deep ocean, falling from a high mountain, a dream dive, something that I have always wanted to do. I emerge out with amazing energy. Happiness all over me, some sense of achievement. I take a deep breath and wipe the surging water off my face. I look around. A shock. Wait for it. A shock.

I look around. Nothing. Absolutely nothing around. Water all around to the farthest distance that my sight could see. I began turning around with my eyes closed. When I stopped, I looked ahead, and began swimming.

I swam, swam and swam. For a long distance, all I did was swim, swim and swim. At one point, arms began to ache. Legs began to give up. I was now filled with fatigue. I began giving up. I mustered all the strength, and swam for some more minutes. I clearly remember that place. All of a sudden, the water began turning into dark blue.
Now there is this one thing every swimmer all around the world knows for a fact. The dark the water color appears in an ocean, the deeper is going to get. I entered into a vastness of deep dark blue area in the ocean. (For a change it was not triangular in shape, for I was glad I had not entered Bermuda's triangle!).

I was now being pulled into the depths of ocean. I tried to remain floating, flapping feet as past as I could, but to no avail. I was pulled. Pulled downwards. Not knowing what the unseen force was, fearing something treacherous, I continued to fight back. Pull grew stronger and I began choking. Water began filling my chest. Pain began increasing. Damn! The pain. As the pain grew more, I began losing consciousness. I began drowning into the deep dark oblivion.

................................

Darkness all around. Pitch black. Desperate attempts to find some light went in vain. I struggled. Eyes moving rapidly.

................................

With great difficulty, after a lot of struggle, I manage to see something, with a blurred vision. I realize I was beginning to open my eyes that were possibly shut for a long time. I try to gasp for air to breathe only to choke myself for the pathetic attempt. I was lying on a bed. On my bed, in my bedroom, in my home.

Trying to put myself together back again, I get out of my bed, walk out to see and talk to anyone that would be there. To my astonishment, there lived no one in the entire house apart from me. I walk out. Go into the street. I begin to search. At first, the search was for someone to whom I could talk to. The search slowly turned intense. I now began to run around in the empty streets. All around me, were buildings. I as now running around like a nomad in the concrete jungle. In my quest for the search, I came across every material needs I ever had. It was all there, right infront of me, which I could have easily picked. No one was there to question me, and yet, I never felt it important. Something was incomplete in me. I went on. Street to street, area to area, covering the entire town.

The void was killing me. It was making me go insane. I ran. Faster and faster, reminding myself of Forest Gump. I am sure I would have knocked Tom Hanks off the track. I ran faster, faster and faster...and faster. Just like an airplane builds up speed before take off, I ran. Increasing speed. There was so much of anger building up within me, so much of frustration, so much of unseen power trying to hold me back, I just ran. Determination oozed out with every step I leaped. As I ran, i realized i had begun cycling in the air and I had almost taken off into the air. I looked down, shell shocked. I am in the air.

My instant reaction? "What the what the what? I am in the air."

As I began flying, I realized, wings began appearing. But something was holding them back. Much like clutches. Chained. I saw huge chains. one on my right wing and the other on my left. Huge chains, that were attached to a huge boulder on the ground. I saw my legs turning into claws. As I looked at my nose, it became harder and began turning into a beak. I wish I could see my eye lids.

I flapped my wings this time. Felt weird at first. But I began enjoying it. Yeah, there was pain but I was a bird. As much as I tried to fly high, the chains held me back. I tried harder with each flap. I saw the chains crack. I flapped harder. I flapped. Flapped and flapped. The chain on my right broke open. With all my focus on my left wing, I flapped harder, trying to pull myself out of the clutches. As the chain on left broke open, I flew backwards. I guess such was the attempt. I now, began flying with all the zeal. In complete freedom. I flew higher, and higher and higher. I flew towards the mighty Sun. As I began flying higher, my feathers began shining. Aah the glitter. I never felt as much happier before. I took a huge right turn in the mid air. It filled me with immense confidence. After a little flight, I took a huge left turn.

In the mid air, I now saw things from up above. Somehow, I managed to see the most minute thing on the ground and yet never had to put an effort in seeing it. It felt real good.

I flew faster and faster. With my wings spread wide apart. The more I flew, the more was the gush of the wind. The sound of the wind in my ears, I felt the gush of the wind is wings. At that moment, at that very moment, I realized, that I flew not just as a mere bird. I realized that as an eagle I flew.

Yes.

As an Eagle, I flew.