I was standing there. Wind was blowing with a gushing sound in my ears, accompanied by the soothing sound of the waves hitting the shore. It was dark, very dark. All I could see was the moon, the distant moon. I fold my arms, stand firm, trying to hold my ground, and fighting a battle of unspoken kind with the wind. I look into the ocean. There was something in it. The darkness of the ocean at night, with the waves hitting the shore. I continue looking into the ocean. Thoughts come crashing on me. Several of them. I look at the moon. Full moon. It reminded me of something. That thought dug many more, and as I continue to think, a drop rolled out of my eye. Controlling a tempest within, staying calm on the outer surface, heart began pounding. And I continued living in my thoughts.
In that darkness of the ocean, the sky, and few glittering stars and a moon, many flashes occur. Instant flashes. All that has happened in my life that has changed th course of my life, several turning points. As I begin to think about them, I begin to feel lonely. Standing alone in the dark night was never scary but that night, I was lonely.
I remember the moment when I was going to office. I was sitting in the front seat of the office cab, and watched a couple going in front of our vehicle. They were on a two wheeler, I guess they were married. She was sitting at the back, and held on to the arm of her husband. She had an arm to hold onto. He had someone to protect. There was an unspoken but yet a visible bond between both of them. I smiled at them as my cab went pass them, an acknowledgment to a bond that they had and I was yet to have. As I continue to think about that moment, all of a sudden, I think of another thing. A friend of mine loved a girl a lot, and he was upset that she never loved him back the same way as he did. I remembered telling him
"You have to let her be. Even if it hurts. Because, true love hurts. If you love her, you gotta support her no matter what because the strength in your love must overcome your pain. Just like that story of a boy and the caterpillar he raised. When the caterpillar turned into a butterfly and yearned for the world outside, the boy had to let it go despite the pain. Because he knows that if the butterfly truly loves him back, it will surely come back. Love is about forgetting oneself and thinking of that special someone. Wait for her if you still love her. If she does not... then let it be and let time heal the wounds... but always know that forgiveness is the key to healing the scars., "
All of a sudden, if not similar situation, I find myself in that place, where all that I can do is wait. It is great a thing, for it lets me to connect with myself. A year back, I used to smoke a pack of 20 cigarettes in a day and have alcohol every weekend. A year back I was an addict to junk food and was not serious about life. But now, a year later, I have successfully quit smoking, haven't had alcohol for over 6 months and have become serious about my health. This I did, only for her. Some people ridicule me saying how can you do all this, I said, she never asked me to. I did it willingly. It is my way of expressing how important she is to me and what I am willing to do to keep her happy.
It is this thought that reminds me of talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I feel.. To him, I said, " I begin my day looking at her, and wishing and praying that her day goes well and end my day hoping that her had had gone well and she sleeps without a problem. Every time I look at her, I live a lifetime of happiness. Every time I wish and pray for her, I live a lifetime of content. Every time I hope for her, I live a lifetime of smile on my face. I love her just by looking at her. I love her just by looking at her."
Random thoughts continue to pop up, frozen moments begin to melt. Tempests begin within and yet, I remain standing there, looking at the ocean, It is at this time that I remember what I once read, which I felt is the right thing to say..
Because of you
my world is now whole,
Because of you
love lives in my soul.
Because of you
I have laughter in my eyes,
Because of you
I am no longer afraid of good-byes.
You are my pillar
my stone of strength,
With me through all seasons
and great times of length.
My love for you is pure
boundless through space and time,
it grows stronger everyday
with the knowledge that you'll always be mine.
At the altar
I will joyously say 'I do',
for I have it all now
and it's all because of you."
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